Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

I’m sorry I’m such total shit. I thought I wasn’t and I was wrong about that.

Buttons really got pressed today and I apologize in advance that communication will be weird and stilted for a while.

Currently unable to focus

I’ve decided that the only sane response is to start looking for other jobs, and contact agencies as needed, this isn’t tenable and I do not think my current agency would listen to me

Should I eat anything during lunch? I’m worried about vomiting and my appetite is now gone but maybe having something would feel good?

I wish I were pretty I wish I were a good artist I wish G-d would be kind enough to let me die of something quick and blameless

If they toss me out then I don’t need to make money for these shitwipes.

This close to telling these assholes that if you don’t feel I can do this job please call my agency and ask them to pull me instead of just endlessly crapping on me.

Okay I didn’t quit nor completely flip my shit, and in only 2+ hours I can get a bento and THIS week they’ve got inarizushi, so yeah.

The book was full of lackluster monsters… who were shown dark, grimy, dangerous. Even the PCs looked grim in a way TSR’s art didn’t. It just was really something; thanks, wherever you are now.

The Fighting Fantasy books suggested, and if I’d then had access to White Dwarf it would have been clear, how Fiend Folio really blew me away. FF books were great so the pictures stood out less; by comparison Fiend Folio was ENTIRELY about those pictures. Without those illustrations the Dark Creepers, Grell, Crypt Thing and others would have been as memorable as the Gorbel, Jermelaine, or Gorilla Bear.

Since I need a distraction I’m going to talk a little about the late Russ Nicholson. I didn’t know him though he sounds like a great guy, but I DID know his art. At the time TSR was showing me stuff by their greats, and this was often color and fairly clean.

Congrats!

Morning went from “bad traffic, bad parking, yelling threatening homeless guy” to “this mock call was I feel unfair and grader used confrontational accusatory choices, therefore I feel like I’m in 5th grade again and would like to ditch work to have an edible, not even draw.”

As expected they set me up to fail then nitpicked and I failed. This can’t in fact reflect anything about me.

Another adult who expects me to get it perfect without them helping and actively hindering. And you can tell by my word choice I’m triggered.

Inhale, exhale. I’m seeing how it all fits together, intersecting assumptions of my powerlessness, lack of optimism or realism, feelings of persecution, hypervigilance, self denigration. Inhale, exhale.

Chodron talks a lot about the warrior-bodhisattva, peaceful warrior etc. This was something that *really* used to sour me given how "warrior" is this western heroic ideal used to sell stuff.

When I think about it though, war *isn't* glorious and heroic - though it can be in places that's entwined intimately with how it's full of fear, anger, loss, pain, uncertainty. Doubtless the literal thing was familiar and horrifying to a lot of Buddhists in the past (even the Sengoku warlords who idealized some of it). And Buddhism loves apparent contradictions - you can be a complete pacifist and be a warrior if life is a lot like war.

I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how this is going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. A world without YOU. A world without rules and restrictions, without boundaries or borders. Where we go from there is up to you.

ALTHOUGH YOU TRY TO DISCREDIT
YOU'LL STILL NEVER EDIT
THE NEEDLE I'LL THREAD IT
RADICALLY POETIC
STANDING WITH THE FURY THAT THEY HAD IN 66
AND LIKE E DOUBLE I'M MAD STILL KNEE DEEP IN THE SYSTEM'S SHIT
HOOVER
HE WAS A BODY REMOVER
I'LL GIVE YOU A DOSE BUT IT CAN NEVER COME CLOSE
TO THE RAGE BUILT UP INSIDE OF ME

YES I KNOW MY ENEMIES!
THEY'RE THE TEACHERS WHO TAUGHT ME TO FIGHT ME!
COMPROMISE
CONFORMITY
ASSIMILATION
SUBMISSION
IGNORANCE
HYPOCRISY
BRUTALITY
THE ELITE
ALL OF WHICH