Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

not to be rude job recommendations, but between hairdresser and research scientist, I have a way better chance of doing research competently, and *neither* is stuff I'm exactly fit for at this point.

Happy Friday and welcome to Jon’s CPTSD Triggers, the show that exposes you to all sorts of fun shit and all you fucking CAN do is clench your teeth hard enough to get a headache and try to tell yourself this is a different fucking situation.

I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees!

Which are putting out pollen. It'll sure make you wheeze.

So despite getting my 05/27 payment, T-Mobile didn't record me as having given them money and they cut my phone, IN THE MIDDLE OF A PHONE SCREEN. I immediately paid them AGAIN, then called back and completed my phone screen. I kinda wanted this job and this probably screwed me, I did not want to hemorrhage an additional [monthly charge], on top of this not being what I wanted to do with my morning; I am now fucking depressed, and I'm going to get some sort of pastry product before doing anything else. Fuck.

I now feel like the big trick with gender is that everyone gets told they have to pass, it's actually a lot less, and very few people do.

We have entire industries devoted to selling fragrances, vehicles, grills, guns, alcohol, hygiene products, shavers, etc so CIS people can "pass" enough. These things were not pitched for trans folks! If I'm not *too* unusual everyone out there worries if they're doing it right, including about gender.

Which suggests like everything else ("doing it right" is very much on my mind lately because I'm about to have a birthday and I am OLD, I'm at the point where I could easily fuck myself over but good about having done my entire life wrong), the way both cis and trans people approach gender is;

* they worry about fucking it up and being socially censured as a result
* they arrive at some quiet confidence that even though how they're doing it isn't necessarily the textbook example, it works for them; this is familiar to me from art
* they're just naturally egomaniacs, have sailed in on a shrimp sandwich or something like that, and consequently have always been sure they're doing it right

bleah, being a bad night as far as sleep. Maybe Fridays are when cortisol release equals shit sleep for me these days. Would be easier to work with, without capitalism as we know and love it.

Here’s the slightly revised warforged paladin, plus two #drawings from today; copies of photos from the Euro Militaire book on WWII, I’m interested here in silhouette, the bulk of clothes and equipment, and how detail vanishes as size of drawings decrease.

COME ON!
YES I KNOW MY ENEMIES
THEY'RE THE TEACHERS WHO TAUGHT ME TO FIGHT ME!
COMPROMISE
CONFORMITY
ASSIMILATION
SUBMISSION
IGNORANCE
HYPOCRISY
BRUTALITY
THE ELITE!

YOU CRAM YOUR CULTURE DOWN MY THROAT
SAY I'M INFERIOR WHEN I FIND THAT I CHOKE
YOU FILL MY MIND WITH A FALSE SENSE OF HISTORY
AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY I HAVE NO IDENTITY?

I'm going to hang up the phone and then I'm going to show you what you don't want these people to see. A world without YOU. A world without boundaries or borders, without rules and restrictions. Where we go from there is up to you.

Although ya try to discredit
you'll still never edit
the needle I'll thread it
radically poetic
standing with the fury that they had in 66
and like e double I'm mad still knee deep in the system's shit
Hoover! he was a body remover
I'll give you a dose
but it can never come close
to the rage built up inside of me
fist in the air in the land of hypocrisy!

not only does the track "If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)" get me to work my hips and shoulders like I'm the femmiest Gay who ever got flogged next to the garlic fries at Folsom, but I actually assumed for the longest time that the narrator/singer was SUPPOSED to be a very Gay man. (Me'Shell is not a very Gay man.)

I'm not entirely SURE why the Yes album "Close to the Edge" is what White Dwarf prior to issue 100 would sound like as music, but it does, at least to me.

oh yeaaaah a "Yes" track longer than some punk *albums*

FIRE!
doo doo doo
I'LL TAKE YOU TO BURN!
doo doo doo doot
FIRE!
doo doo doo
I'LL TAKE YOU TO LEARN!
dooooooo doo
YOU'RE GONNA BURN!
*half naked jogging in place*

@arakin I blame you for how the follow up to "Don't You Want Me" is of course Arthur Brown's "Fire"

you have the right to food money!
provided of course you don't mind a little
investigation
humiliation
and if you cross your fingers
rehabilitation!
Know your rights!
These are your rights!

don't actually know any of the lyrics to these Amon Amarth songs so I'm just gonna yell OTVAR ZA RUSS! FENRIS HJOLDA! and that ought to work okay

My experience and this might be wrong is;

* a lot of homophobes don't want Queers to go away; to shut up and be nice little straights who don't disturb them

* most anti-semites actually want Jews to exist at some level - as converts, as an existential threat looming elsewhere, just they don't want us to exist as real breathing people living nearby with our own identity.

* most anti-Black types don't want Black people to go away; they want a docile, profitable, exploitable underclass; they effectively want slavery back.

Transphobes aren't like the other haters, they don't want the subtler form of genocide where you lose your identity, shut up and behave in whatever ways convenience them. They don't want you detransitioned but theoretically comfortable. Transphobes WANT YOU DEAD.

dopamine or not, I think it'd be emotionally useful for me to see MORE things as goals even if their significance gets completely wiped out immediately in a larger hostile world. Example; yesterday I drove south, did an in person interview, drove back and in the middle of my job hunt found out I didn't get the job.

If I can phrase this as having accomplished a necessary step in this process I hate, one that wouldn't have had ANY chance of working out if I hadn't sunk effort into it, that makes it feel a lot better than just having it be part of an ongoing lifetime of never being good enough.

One complete vicious asshole who's plagued this country for decades, finally dying, doesn't achieve much sadly; like antisemitism and anti-Blackness, nobody loses money as an homophobe and there's a lot of other people out there causing harm, and all I can do is beat myself up for feeling even vaguely glad someone I learned to completely hate is no longer a source of harm.