Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

Anyway, I got a lane change wrong and some lady badly dinged my passenger side door because she couldn't slow down in time. So I did some cooking while kinda in shock and I may be off for the next little bit so please be okay with me

great, let's have waterworks in semi public about Vincent Price dying in Edward Scissorhands, it'll be CATHARTIC

remembering the time me and Sammi caught Ed Wood on TV, and about 1/3 of the way through I asked to stop.

"But we're both REALLY enjoying this, so why?"
"I can see where this is going. Lugosi's gonna die, and I'm going to cry like crazy about it."
"Let's keep going."

And sure enough, Lugosi kicked it and set off epic waterworks.

sure, let's listen to the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack, the Elfmanest score. The only way it could get Elfmanier is if the movie had featured a circus.

*suddenly and for no real reason feels weepy*

Danny Elfman drinking game;

play about 10-15 seconds from any Danny Elfman track. Whoever says "CHRISTMASTIME!" when it is actually from a movie set at/featuring Christmas, wins.

... brought to you by the "Clown Dream" from Pee Wee's Big Adventure

oh YEAH! even though I think most people will disagree about the best song The Cure ever did, I'm pretty sure nearly everyone will rank Friday I'm in Love as somewhere 1-3rd best.

WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?
WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?

hands in the air, assume the position!

WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?
WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?

ev'ryone make their best dead faces!

PRO VISION L 3!
PRO VISION L 3!
PRO VISION L 3!
CULTURE OF SUSPICION!

*throws heavy objects*
*obscene gesture*
*gobs*

I'm now seeing there's a suffering-makes-you-worthy component in my fucked up childhood baggage.

Suffering to achieve worth is a superficially appealing alternative to accepting the world throws out endless cruelties, arbitrary but for the lack of ability for the already hurt to cope with it.

But what that sets up is; it's never apparently turned around (and why would it? Turning the situation around takes the sort of confidence as well as energy that you're not going to have if you're slammed constantly, like I was as a kid). This clearly means I'm not really worthwhile and maybe I'm not even suffering right? And then you've got the adult world telling me that what I'm going through isn't even vaguely worthy, that things are ideal, that they've provided so much, that I'm privileged all over the map.

I think I'm thinking of it as part of the "I need to be miserable so the good people can get what they want" baggage I've been trying to break through, lately, since one way in which people were officially good was that they had suffered and therefore I had to bend over backwards for them.

okay, I just tried telling someone on Taps I REALLY wasn't feeling it, which is way more polite than either flipping my shit at them or disconnecting rather than let them continue groping me. This is into fucking bad hovering at the edge of conscious memory territory.

Also; the Elric books loomed huge in my childhood and some of the minor characters REALLY stood out enough that I can name them even now. Similarly some Judge Dredd lore really embedded itself in my head for some reason. I really SHOULD try drawing this, shouldn’t I? And yet I haven’t.

A weird minor emotional thing rn; I get the strong feeling I’m not supposed to/permitted to see or enjoy this one media thing, and it’s something I seriously loved as a kid. For whatever reason I can’t seem to accept that it’s okay this was really cool back when my life didn’t have much really cool, but it’s not for me now.

went from spotting beating myself up about anything sexual - if not watched my brain will phrase sex as some sort of weird competition in which I'm at risk of being rejected entirely if I prove I'm not good enough, and right now my libido's real patchy, which is cause for a lot of dumb self hate

that's part of the larger cognitive distort that everything is some sort of fucky competition where I can't just BE, and still be worthy and accepted and safe

this gets me to how the chunk of negative assumptions about "life is a big competition in which I will be engineered into losing somehow" has been really stirred up by how my last day job ended.

#drawings today, it tightened today

darn there isn't a surf guitar cover of The Prisoner theme. Come on, they're both really 1960s...

Okay; I put in for some jobs, did my weekly UI claim, and cleared an inbox. That ought to be good enough to call it for today, head to Fred Meyer for gas, maybe since that’s nearby hit H Mart and see if they have kimbap or something else I’d like as breakfast.

these things they go away
replaced by everyday
nightswimming, remembering that night
September's coming soon
pining for the moon
and what if there were two
side by side in orbit, around the fairest sun?

Want 'em back now, want 'em all back
I wanted you to be more real than all the others
We all want to be more real than all of the rest
BUT IT WASN'T.

"Drop a ship that doesn't come from Star Trek/Star Wars"

oh you mean Nick Wilde/Gideon Gray fanfic

it's weird how the known depersonalization that job hunting would feel crushing to anyone doesn't actually stop it feeling crushing.

So, once again SOMETHING linked to my best guess is Lenovo's stuff on this laptop has knocked out the drivers for the sound. I have no clue what does this, I don't have the intellectual leanings or technical skills to crack it better than I have been, and this really bugs me.

Spotting this one big cognitive distort I have this morning. How am I going to break myself of this habit?