Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

CPTSD tells you no, it was this way yesterday and last month, it will be this way tomorrow and three months from now. PTSD tells you that you need to scramble and NOW or there will be no tomorrow or three months from now, who cares how much of a wreck you are.

A gentler belief in an organic shift - whether that's feeling better in a few hours, or life overall improving in weeks or years, is a GREAT counter to this. Thinking this requires conscious effort for me.

But aging dumps me right back in C/PTSD mindset. Sure, I could slowly save up to replace the car or get a fursuit someday - but what are the chances some adult will come up with a way to destroy my savings and upend my life in the meantime? Sure, I could trust that drawing what feels good right now will help me get through the week and eventually be practice that adds up - but how long do I have before cancer or heart disease takes me out and I never get around to the big drawings I'd wanted? That sort of thing.

Does that make sense?

#drawing earlier tonight since more people seem to see drawings if I post them later.

the part of "The Coyote and the Cowboy" which makes me tear up, even if I think it's kind of a dumb (but fun) song

GM: "Have you [the PCs] met Kelly's [important NPC] mom?"
Me: "No, has she got it going on?"

Labubu petty labubeousie visiting labublangerie

Tonight’s #drawing

#drawing last night; in an Underdark shrine to Lolth, three adventurers (kobold rogue, tiefling samurai and dwarf druid) confront a lightning throwing drow priestess.

real hard to feel good about myself with all the component parts of my identity being stuff which is either officially made-up and unimportant, or evil.

HOW TO PAINT GRIMDARK!

1) research "Kingdom of Naples Napoleonic soldiers" then do NOT use any of those colors in your uniform
2) paint everything gray with zenithal shading, add gunmetal or bronze in light coats as needed
3) go nuts with black/rust/verdigris washes
4) drybrush fur, add little scratches to leather
5) add a few glowing red or blue lights as needed
6) spatter everything with brown modge podge from your base, so steps 1-5 probably don't matter

I'm basically a glorified garage attendant, so when I'm not the janitor or the meter maid I'm in a tiny office in the garage, being customer service and accounting.

There's enough space for a small AC, but with the AC taking up the vent, the place gets really stuffy and hot - running the AC unit as a fan only and leaving the door wide open really works for temperature and air circulation in weather as hot as we had earlier this week.

The property managers own the garage, and contract us to run it, so they schedule repairs and don't necessarily tell us about them. Recent construction work (removing then replacing foam insulation between concrete floor slabs) has been near where I am for a couple of weeks now, so I didn't think anything was up, but I think they really intensified it the last two days, and this past week they've also had people pressure washing the walls and different people painting walls and different people vacuuming out parts of the basement levels.

Wednesday I felt sort of depressed and congested while I was there. Yesterday my mood REALLY spiraled badly, and my first clue something physical might be getting to me was the basement levels were hazy and got gunk all over my glasses when I went to clean/empty trash there. I was able to close the door for the first time really due to weather, and got slammed by physical fatigue and congestion. I set up taking today off, showered and put literally everything in the laundry.

bleah

Something I theoretically knew already, but keep needing to remember;

Most harm in the world is unintentional, but it only takes a little malicious intent to make me feel like the whole damn thing is willfully, unnecessarily, self righteously sadistic

And since Trump and Republicans are devoted to intentional, vicious, self centered harm the whole world currently looks utterly abusive

Posting this evening’s #drawing, wanted to do something for werewolf Wednesday and international wolf day.

#drawing last night, I guess still thinking of muscle anatomy. Technically naked, but nothing is showing.

Here’s Saturday’s #drawing, still working on fabric.

she's a good girl, loves to eat tacos
loves burritos, enchiladas too
she's a good girl, crazy about churros
and on Sundays, she always gets menu

do I'm FREE! FREE FALLING!

it's a long day stoppin' at Fatburger
there's a food truck parked in the yard
gonna stress eat 'cause I don't even miss her
gonna fry some potatoes in lard

cause I'm FREE! FREE FALLING!

I wanna dim sum out in Cerritos
gonna load up at House of Pies
I'm gonna stress eat out into nothin'
gonna leave this world for a while

In a bad enough mood still that I’ll post tonight’s #drawing now, as a pick me up.

Today's #coloring, another cell shaded #drawing - touching this one up took forever!

"I am the LOK NAR and with my super self-centered POWER of being able to go ON AND ON about RANDOM BULLSHIT which I think YOU as a traumatized 10 year old DESPERATELY NEED TO HEAR I shall ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING here's a muscly bald dude punching people that oughta get your attention for a short while"

the whole movie makes more sense as the Lok Nar trying to come up with shit that will keep the kid interested in it blathering at her

EDM track but instead of the expected Terrence McKenna quote, someone just says “witty Terrence McKenna quote” in their best Terrence McKenna voice

* high paced dance music *