Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

As part of the overall “things are more nuanced,” today I’ve realized that correcting me *does* anger me at some basic “well this is upsetting” level below all the abuse associations. Sort of like how there’s always a little spark of anger when someone shoves you on the bus. I feel like accepting this makes it easier to move to “yeah but this doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” if that makes sense.

So later do I draw sci-fi stuff, or dinosaurs, or do I draw off this book about Angolan masked dancers?

Hot take; the more I’m told Deadpool is great and I adore everything Deadpool related, the more ehh I am about the entire thing. It doesn’t help that Deadpool is on earth doing earth stuff and apparently my concept of cool superheroes usually involves “go somewhere else.”

Having just listened to the Riders of Doom part of the Conan soundtrack, I’m amazed that not only do some people currently use “Deus volt!” as a serious thing, but also can do so without mimicking slashing downwards at foot soldiers.

Rough, light #drawings from today - it’s something at least, in the face of all the emotional ugh.

Back to feeling old, pathetic, worthless, stupid, from shit people and a shit gender, and incredibly ugly. Gonna get coffee and draw.

And if this new Freddy Mercury biopic is successful, I’m looking forward to “Worst at What I Do Best,” a heartwarming story of Kurt Cobain which never mentions depression, homelessness or chronic illness.

Y’know. It’s possible I need to hear people out, but right now I work in an uncomfy open office situation, my job can make me feel stupid, I feel isolated and futureless and worthless thanks to a batch of things. It’s so easy to feel terrible and it’s not pragmatic. So I have been and plan to start blocking and muting people. More so on birdsite. If you make me feel like shit there’s less I can do to help you even if I still want to after that.

You know how most transformation stuff is all whoooohoo I now have a giant horse tonker or yay I have sleek black and white skin and can go anywhere in the ocean? I have that but also I really like the fantasy of getting perfect vision back.

Whoa Half-woman, half-snake original cosplay by Vermine-Venom. http://bit.ly/2IjVawJ #Snake #Lamia #Cosplay #Costume https://twitter.com/therpf/status/996540739088670720/photo/1

Anxiety and other stuff has me in A Foul Mood. Certainly it's played havoc with the sleep schedule before I need to go in and fake adulthood/humanity/whatever

My birthday's next month, and the salient thing about feeling old is simultaneously feeling that my body is aging NOT GRACEFULLY, and my prospects of ever having a particularly comfortable life (the Real Adults in my office or the Bright Young Things at the last place really drive this home) are diminishing rapidly, and yet ALSO feeling emotionally somewhere in my mid-20s, just vaguely getting started on having an emotional handle on the world.

I *should* go back to sleep, but honestly would like to stay up a lot more, and spend the day doing something other than being in a big room of Real Adults with Money and Children Doing Real Adult Things while I fake it and just want to go draw or nap. (Seriously the whole open office thing gets me.)

I *really* want a mental health day, my last day off outside the weekend was sometime in March. This feels like years ago.

oh this is a cool little read. I always assumed women were more powerful in Shakespeare's comedies because turning society upside down is funny, but it's cool if there was more going on than that! https://tmblr.co/ZRlENr2Y05fQn

ugh, some kinda dumb anxiety spike

Pretty much all this afternoon my mood has been bouncing between feeling okay and productive, and thinking that I'm basically the worst shit out there. This is a huge energy drain too so I think I need to fall over earlyish.

Wound up thumbnailing some Wayne Reynolds MtG cards, focusing on value as part of composition (I don’t play MtG do this is a compact yet cool format to me). He’s truly masterful at getting form and value to build pieces which look busy but which read clearly.

Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Straight in LA” album with hits like “Kinsey 1 Anthem,” “I Like Girls,” and “Califunyuns.”

So if you were in a shitty mood and drew as a hobby what’d make you feel better;
A) draw your own stuff as escapism?
B) analyze other people’s stuff to feel like you’re learning?

An empty shell seems so easy to crack
Got all these questions don't know who I could even ask
So I'll just lie alone and wait for the dream
Where I'm not ugly and you're looking at me