Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

Please do NOT tell me that Fed Ex just left a batch more heavy crap I need to move and receive in while I am on lunch. I will discover that I’m expected to break myself for everyone else’s convenience soon enough believe me.

This was probably not the most convenient time for vivid flashbacks but okay subconscious, you do you.

Not to mention how badly this job hits “adults will add more and more work until by sheer probability I will lose something, make mistakes or not complete something, and then I’ve earned a big angry harangue about how bad I am.”

Okay THAT button just now was “the adult already knows the answer they want but are asking me so they can tell me I’m wrong/imply that I’m an incompetent moron.” I really hate having to navigate my past to avoid spending my entire day sunk in hypervigilance/irritability.

Also thinking about my diet. I’m not actually one of those “I eat meat and grain and cheese only” people, but while the prospect of sautéed chard, marinated spinach or endives at home sounds fantastic, a salad at lunch is this grim uninspiring requirement. A slog like the rest of work. How do I shake this up?

y'know the "what if they found fossils of" theories? Like how China has long mythical dragons and sauropod fossils with long necks.

Wouldn't ancient Egyptians be pretty familiar with hippo and croc skeletons? Enough that finding archaeocetes would wind up in their mythology?

So I had a seemingly big number birthday recently,

I feels like societal messages tell me I'm basically spending 1-5 decades longer waiting to die, when there's a lot of things I want to learn and try out.

When I look closer [a lot of] messages I get about my age are about being established and therefore buying stuff - cruises, paint, home security systems, trucks. Buying prerequisites are shown as part of what I actually want (experiences), and since I'm poor and childless that probably contributes to the "society tells me that what's left to do at this age is die" feeling.

I'd wonder if advertising makes this true for most age groups, and whether my lack of pop media creates bias which stacks with an overall pessimistic/antiauthority view.

#drawings today, a trio of golems and a Githyanki hunting party. Trying to go on implications with the scar on one of the hunters and bored-into deep gnome skulls, but maybe that’s *too* confusing?

I think this is the grayest, rainiest year I've seen in Seattle yet - like weather swinging back from last year where it barely rained all summer. And I slept 8 hours. Both of which mean that I now want to go draw and read Dungeon Crawl Classics rather than do Terribly Critical Stuff At Work.

#drawings today, working a bit looser because I’m focused on putting bending figures or different size figures into perspective. Adventurer versus grimlocks; dwarf vs. howe-dweller; a sinister lich and his sidekick.

* clicks on Black Fist but there's just a link to a YouTube clip; going by the all too brief sample, this movie must've had an awesome soundtrack

* dude, I would actually watch Blackenstein.

* damnit Cleopatra Jones is not, in fact, up anywhere.

should I feel bad that faced with a huge archive full of films by African-Americans, sorted by decade, I *immediately* click on 1970s looking for action movies?

The urge to draw monsters standing on a blank page instead of the elaborate stuff I was thinking about earlier.

Popurri Star Wars (Mariachi Cover) https://youtu.be/zB6i5X--ozQ via @YouTube

I really wish there were more of Across the Stars. Romantic theme really plays well to the medium.

#drawings today, a desert dragon (wings spread wide to cool blood) and two barbarians (includes a “rage mage” whose spell book is literally his scarred skin, and a half orc, weirdly inspired by Norwegian history).

How much of my life has been spent with the reasonable question “am I being a little too sensitive, or are these people frankly assholes who have no consideration for me beyond my convenience to them?” as just enough doubt to have my self worth intentionally slammed below bedrock?

Something I’ve realized about myself is if something sets off the irritability, not only do I feel unlikable, but I’m low on emotional resources to step back from self hate AND there are associations of being told I’m complete shit for it. And this is cumulative so whether I can pull up out of it or not it’s easier for stuff to hit sore nerves and it’s increasingly difficult to be NOT irritable/hypervigilant. Which is how I get things like spending most of high school dissociated.

I really don't want to go in today.

There are probably a *lot* of other people out there thinking back to idealized, mythologized bits of 2015, it's not entirely an age thing. But uh, that's kinda cold comfort.

ugh stupid acid reflux (I ate *hours* before bed), stupid insomnia.