A Dense Week, Camping Trip
I went on a camping trip with @starkatt from Wednesday until Yesterday. It was the first time I had been camping in a way that wasn't "In someone's backyard" (which to me only ever counted on an aesthetic level).
It was wonderful and I VERY much needed the time away from things to parse a lot of life and emotional things.
A Dense Week, Camping Trip, woo
I saw the wide, open Pacific Ocean for the first(? I'd seen the Sound before) time. It hit me very emotionally staring at those rolling waves under the bright sky. As I walked and sat, I saw Ocean, a spirit that has been with me since childhood, beaming and grinning at me. I felt... LED in a way that that felt distinctly beyond me.
A Dense Week, Camping Trip, life
I realized that I had only hoped to get here, both literally and metaphoric to my healing, and I have no IDEA what I was doing now that I was here. I'd rough ideas, but realizing that my past trauma doesn't rule me anymore, and I'm making my own choices and developing thoroughly on my own path caught me by surprise. I didn't feel like I was lost and had no idea what I was doing just that I had... possibilities.
A Dense Week, Camping Trip, life/woo
So I asked Ocean, in vague wistful musing.
"What do I do now?"
I saw glimpses of community, love, laughter, of strife but strength. I saw the future not in terms of survival, but of possibilities. Ocean's message was a shrugging smirk of carefree wisdom I've come to know water spirits by.
"You live."
I felt intensely grateful. The spirit(s) that have been with me since I was a kid always knew I needed this. That this is where I belong.
A Dense Week, Camping Trip, desires
I want to spend more of my focus and glow inward on my community instead of outwardly, often dissipating to few people's attention.
I want to focus on my own life, stability, and well-being so that I can better help others.
I want to continue to create and share my creations.
It will never go as well as I ideally want it to go. I'm neuroatypical, and that's okay
A Dense Week, Camping Trip, further woo
The second day was less willed with such revelations, but just as much woo. We ended up going to a more populated trail filled with such dense and old life that the spirits were practically tangible.
At one point, even, I remember eyeing the scene of a number of thickly moss covered tree forming a circle, footsteps seemingly leading too, but not from the circle, and a sign that said to 'please stay on the path'
Yeah, you don't have to tell me twice
A Dense Week, Firedance, community
I finished up by going to a Firedance ritual, which was a fitting bit of closure to my feelings of community opened up by my trip. I caught glimpses of community on a level of providing for others like we would ourselves. The solidifying bond of security, care, and love that binds and defines community not as 'a group of friends' but as a greater, closer whole.
A Dense Week, Firedance, community
It made me cry, and finally understand things on such a deeper level, particular what a number of folks (namedropping @literorrery for their particular help and words through the night) see and strive for. It fills me with a lot of feelings, particularly of belonging, confidence, pride in others, and love.
I am so ridiculously proud of Who We Are and What We Stand For, turmoil and troubles considered.
A Dense Week, The Lovers
The ritual, on another point of noting, held The Lovers in prominence, and I found myself closing my eyes and drifting with the imagery I found.
Two white, queer minks.
One with pastel blue hair wisped to the side. an overflowing chalice, naked and andro-masculine with nothing but a vulva and a dreamer's eyes.
One with pastel pink hair wisped to the other side. A sharp sword stuck to the ground, naked and andro-feminine with breasts, a penis, and the eyes of a defender.
A Dense Week, Camping Trip, changes
In my further musings on the topic with regards to my career future, I'm going to continue with my dreams. While I have always suffered from ADD, I knew there was things I could do to help steer my life more productive. Leaving twitter and focusing less time on social media was one of those things I clearly knew I needed to do. I had built up FAR too many unhealthy cycles around twitter in particular.