I have a few things to get off my chest. I feel much more comfortable doing it here under warnings because at least I can feel easy that folks aren't forced to see every little bit of venting.
vent (orthocosm, location,slight nsfw)
I'm incredibly tired of living in this area. This isn't new, but It's getting more pressing. By now I hoped I'd have a software job. I don't. I have a tech support position that I sorta enjoy but make internship money. It's frustrating but not all bad, but I have to do -something-...
vent (orthocosm, location,slight nsfw)
I am in this torn-feeling situation in that... I like my friends here, I do. I had a steady sex and/or cuddling life before transitioning and now I am -starved- for physical attention on a regular basis. Since exploring myself more and transitioning (let along on species stuff) I've grown more distant from most everyone here.
It hurts, but perhaps it was inevitable.
vent (orthocosm, location, moving)
*shakes head* But... I have love there. Among all the other reasons is the pressing fact that it's been... a decade since I've been near someone I love... and my SOs... I love them so much and I feel like SO much would be better if I could just -HOLD- them at the end of the day.
It makes every other worry just fade away and even now I'm tearing up.
My heart isn't here. My spirit barely is.
vent (orthocosm, location, moving)
Even if I have to spend every last thing I have and own... I... need to get out of here. I need to be with my loves. I need to be near my kith and however reality differs from what I think it all might be.. I don't care. I DON'T CARE.
I want this so badly and maybe I'm afraid of wanting something so much. I'm so afraid, then, that I'll never get it. I'm afraid I'll fail.
vent (orthocosm, location,slight nsfw)
It's sorta why the "I need to get out of here" admission has been so difficult for me. I have amazing support and I couldn't have gotten here without it... and here I am desiring so hard to leave and it feels... like abandonment, almost.
At the same time and other side, I worry that I've been romanticizing moving and the Seattle area. I'm secretly terrified that my own immense desires are secretly sabotaging my longer term plans and... IDK.