Raspberry Foxy @Raspberryfloof@awoo.space

I feel like I'm too normal to make video games.

💖

I have basically no self-esteem whatsoever, and feel awkward and anxious asking to work on something with anybody else, so ... having something that I can contribute to and feel confident that I can do is something I don't think I could let go of right now...

I ... don't really feel comfortable backing off or dropping it, though? I worry that I'd end up feeling guilty about not doing enough and letting down everybody who has been working on it with me, and also just wouldn't know what else I should be doing...

I know I don't talk about much else, anymore, because... I've kind of let this project entirely consume my life, to the point where I haven't been taking care of myself at all some days...

I feel like people probably won't care about me much unless I have some accomplishment I can show and say "I made this!", and working on this project has given me a reason to believe I might actually be worth something...

I guess it's time for a somewhat personal post...

I've been pushing myself every day to keep working on translating Itadaki Street 2, because I would really love to see it fully playable in English someday, but also for another reason...

I wish I could explain why birdsite feels so much less painful for me to use nowadays than Mastodon...

I miss feeling like I could be open and talk about things and not feel crushingly like I don't belong here anymore...

I feel useless and forgotten...

and despite everything I'll probably turn 30 jobless, without any money, and without having made anything or done anything useful or interesting...

...

I just ... wish... I was better... I wish I mattered, had some means of taking care of myself, was confident and talented enough that I could do something I was proud of...