Sparrow 🐦 @Sparrow@awoo.space

My abs are in such pain that it hurt to sneeze and laugh today. So I think I'm doing the exercise thing right.

Do I pay $70/month for 2 pole classes a week, or $100/month for unlimited classes, including aerial?

The catch is that it's a contract that requires first/last month at time of payment. So I'd have to pay $140 or $200 up front, depending.

Heeeeeeeeey.

I got logged out of masto on my phone and I've been too lazy to log back in, which is why I've been gone for about a week.

How is everyone doing?

Target is sold out of this sports bra in my size. Does anyone know of smaller companies that sell similar bras (in color and cut)?

So today I was an extra in a heavy metal music video.

Question for other ppl who have biggish tummies like myself:

How do you feel when/if a sex partner (who never previously mentioned having a fat fetish to you) gets really (vocally) excited about your "tum", calls you "so cute and fluffy", or pets it without asking?

I personally feel super grossed/creeped out and objectified. But I'm sure this experience must feel validating to other folx. What do you think?

Did you know UTIs are terrible

What if:

Every time you have a massive cry about something that happened in your childhood or whatever

It's just *resolved*. Just like *gone*, *poof*, *zippo*?

And you can move on.

Instead of crying again about it 2.5 months from now.

The first time I remember being aware of my weight was in a ballet class. I thought I was so much fatter than the other dancers. I was 3 years old.

Later, being weighed by my grandmother, who assumed I weighed 150 lbs when I actually weighed 105.

Well. Conversation with roommate just now dredged up SO many childhood/early teen issues for me just now that I don't know what to do with myself.

Going to go to sleep, I think, and maybe start looking for therapy now that I have health care.

Which. By the way.

I HAVE HEALTHCARE NOW! Woo!

I also have been off my prosac (used to be on 50 mg/day) for 1 month now.

But I was bitter and resentful while I was taking prosac too, so I think this is more of a CBT/mindfulness problem than a chemical one.

Maybe I could try keeping a journal?

I use a mood-tracker app just to track overall patterns and shit, but it's not *expressive* the way a journal is.

I haven't had success at keeping a journal since I was 18-21 (when I was weirdly *super super* good at it) but I could give it another try.

I'm actually not bitchy, I'm bitter, which is worse (kinda) because I'm not expressing it- just swallowing it up.

I think I need to do a serious re-evaluation because I don't *like* being this bitter/grumpy all the time. *

(*it's not actually "all the time", but it's more often than I'd like. Usually at home, after a long day)

Today was hard, but I:

- Mostly kept up my low-carb meal plan (went a little sweet on a smoothie)
- Made a yummy smoothie for tonight and prepped chai tea chia pudding for breakfast
- Opened up about my stress with a friend and my mama, which *surprised* helped me feel a lot better
- Kept my spending low this past week
- Set a boundary about how long I'm willing to work late tomorrow
- Made specific plans to call healthcare options tomorrow

Goals:

By April 2018, I will:

- Have a regular doctor that I visit and get prescriptions from
- A summer job lined up
- Plans for a *full time, with benefits* job for the fall
- CBEST underway

I just feel gross and disappointed because I really wanted to enjoy and do well at it, but I'm already feeling burned out and I've only been working there for 3 months.

I'm feeling so depressed about healthcare, *my* state of health (/lack thereof), and how exhausting my job is.

I feel especially guilty because I just became a registered behavior therapist, and I'm already questioning this path because it's a) really tiring and hard on my physical health, and b) doesn't provide benefits at my 15 hours/week.

Oh yeah I forgot to share

I had a cute enby moment at Sprouts earlier tonight.

My cashier had a they/them pin, & I showed them my trans flag keychain. We talked about being cool & how ugh being "ma'amed" is.

I was so happy nervous I had butterflies ten minutes afterwards.