Veladynee Amaren @Veladynee@awoo.space

I increased my caffeine intake over the weekend to power through a project and my anxiety levels shot through the roof and became as bad as they were 6 months ago.

Th period where I had at most one caffeinated drink every few days was the least anxiety I've ever had.

Started laying off caffeine again... and the anxiety is suddenly back under control.

... Well shit. So much for my power stimulant.

I think the best thing I've learned to do over time is convert all my negative emotions generally into constructive projects.

The downside is now I have not only an art addiction, but am planning how to build myself a brick oven for the back yard.

Halp, I'm making things D:

Made peace with the bird incident and overall doing alright now. ^^

On my way back from Flagstaff I hit a bird while I was going 80mph down the Interstate, and killed it.

I am having trouble processing this because I avoid killing things if at all possible, and I know it was an accident but its still a painful thing.

(...) Now I'm not bashing technology or its use, but what I am noticing is at least some of the bad that's been applied mostly unintentionally through just... the nature of availability. I think most of my initial anxiety with it and needing to be around began with different jobs that required and expected me to be on call at all times. This then bled into having a device that had my messengers so in a sense I was on call for people.

Combine that with my constant need or feeling to help others or be there, and it becomes basically the same type of thing. Then reflect it back to others and even if I'm not consciously thinking about it like that, my subconscious seems to roll with it. I end up expecting others to -always- be around or be almost just waiting for me.

It's unhealthy, and it reflects something I need to adjust in my own life even if that includes limiting or removing messengers on my phone and only giving a few people the contact power, but then then that only goes so far as changing just social and doesn't take into account the dread of work or missing things. Not always being present...

I suppose I just wanted to get that out of my head and process it a bit and hopefully it makes sense. ^^;

(...) Now a days, I'm expected to be around, and in turn its become almost an ingrained part of /my/ mind too to expect others to be around. Online = Available and I've even had people... who I later learned were toxic but still count ... get upset with me for -not- being there. For not having my status reflect things.

Other friends have talked to me about it and I've nodded, I've understood, but I guess I never looked at myself to try to really pin it down as one of the biggest factors of some of my day to day background levels of anxious.

In communities that primarily conduct themselves online, which I happen to be a part of, this has become an unconscious rule for many. As we've drifted away from forums and things have become more instant with social media, messengers on the existential dread brick (phone), and devices layered on devices at my clawtips... instantaneous communication isn't just nice, its almost expected. (...)

I had some time to think about some of my random anxiety triggers and was writing them down then came across one that I find intriguing.

I am irrationally anxious because some people I deeply care about don't respond to me at all times or instantly, including the person I'm dating.

Speeding back years and years ago, this wasn't an issue as people can be expected to be busy, to be not available. I made a mini rant on it previously regarding the 'always online and always available' mentality... but I realize it affects things more deeply than just work; it affects my very way I conduct myself socially. (...)

Feeling better.

Handling and working through just depression is a hell of a lot easier than navigating through the disaster that is severe depression + crippling anxiety. Only attacked on one front instead of two.

Not ideal but its less exhausting, and still no spirals for months. ^^