Veladynee Amaren @Veladynee@awoo.space

It'd be nice if instead of just picking clothes to wear in the morning, I could pick bodies.

I think I'll go with the cybernetic gryphon in business professional attire today.

I've realized a pattern with my own anxiety after analyzing the re-occurrence of it on a day to day basis, although it is manageable.

It's tied with people I consider close to me going away for periods of time. In this case a good friend of mine -and- my boyfriend.

What triggers it? Absence. I suppose in a way its a mix of abandonment coupled with a long history of 'bad things always happen after those you care about go away for a while'. It was originally family, then it turned into one or two bad relationships. Since then, its been an almost endless sense of just dread and anxiety expecting the worse when logically nothing bad will happen at all.

It's quite irritating, at least I'm not letting it send me into a spiral.

Be a shame if I accidentally bumped this conveniently placed jar of liquid latex, enveloping my body and morphing me into a shiny, feral latex dragoness.

Today is a day I feel like being open about my general mental health.

I was recently diagnosed with agoraphobia.

I came from an abusive household and have self esteem issues that lead often times to many lies and mistruths.

I have severe depression.

I have a form of generalized anxiety disorder that works great with agoraphobia.

I am being screened for high functioning autism.

Remember, it's okay to be open about your problems ^^

Looking at my post history and my own head journal I've realized that I have anxiety spells at the same frequency as before when I'm exposed to the triggers.

The important part is I'm more aware of it, avoid many of the triggers, and generally more in control of how it is expressed, and manage it in a much healthier, not-as-energy-projecting way.

In the end I suppose I've learned we never truly get over a lot of our issues, we just get a lot better at not letting them completely control us.

My Raspberry Pi has arrived. Time to disappear for the next few months tinkering. rip me.

I am on a day schedule at work for some training.

I am greeted with the chirping of birds, lots of good mornings and smiles. And the warm glow of the sun shining on my face as I take care of morning tasks.

It's absolutely dreadful.

I'm glad delivery grocery services exist because it allows me to avoid one of my major anxiety triggers.

When I meditate, I'm always at the same location. Sometimes when I dream it is there too.

It is a shore with pebbles and darkened sand, with cliffs to the left and right. A steady rain, thunder. The waves are rough and almost as exciting as the storm itself. The rain stings with every powerful gust. It's warm yet the water is chill. It is night, and only the faint glow of one of the moons is visible.

In the distance, to my left along the shore and up a cliff is a ruin of some kind. Old, mostly overtaken by moss and roots, with the land beneath slowly returning, bit by crumbling bit, to the ocean beneath.

It is the place I always end up. Where my guides take me. Sometimes others, occasionally faces I remember from before are in the distance, diving down from that cliff perch into the water, thrilled with the energy of the storm.

I do not recognize it from my memories last life but it is familiar. And that familiarity feels old, almost sad in a way. But all of my memories feel old, very old and long ago.

I figured that was interesting enough to share.

I want to go swimming or diving but I'm too crippled by body confidence issues to wear any sort of swim suit. :/

Hi everyone, my name is Veladynee and I'm afraid of people. I'm also a fish.

Welp, now I'm officially 30. This feels weird.

I also need to get out of the habit of -constantly- re-editing what I say because I'm terrified of being misunderstood. Fuck my brain being the way it is, seriously.

Now back to your regularly scheduled postings.

I wish explaining my emotions or thoughts was easier and wasn't just me bumbling through trying to word them.

Most recent example is trying to explain my positive feelings towards my own boyfriend and provide thoughts and re-examining the conversation and how I approach it is so... ugh. I'm at least glad they are understanding but... Go me.

Expressing emotions or deeper thoughts have always been a challenge for me, because its hard for me to word them. A mix of hiding them and a mix of just not fully understanding how to conceptualize them in full...

Emotions are messy, and are not super logical, and anything to do with them used to be a major anxiety point... Still is, but thankfully not as bad now that I've been forcing myself to be a little more open.