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Customer: "Two dozen Zippo lighters, please."

Proprietor, counting cash with relish: "Action heroes…"

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a reliable barometer for determining if a thing is good is if it contains the phrase "I turn your attention now to the very interesting situation in Akkadian"

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My girlfriend joined Mastodon and maintenant, nous créons des fursonas mignons dans une langue que nous ne pouvons même pas comprendre.

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peter parker's dead uncle 

IT'S BEN

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You bring out the gay in me

🌈 🏳️‍🌈 🍍 🥑 🍬

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in a sense, we are all gay
we are part of this gay universe

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this just in 

Minecraft is good

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unoriginal joke 

thinking about using regex to parse dice rolls so now i have two problems

Really I can't believe my pets don't just kill me the first time they smell bacon and eggs.

Vincent Kartheiser looks so good in long-sleeve tees on the TV show Angel that when I wear them now, it feels like straight-up fanboy-ing.

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Stay tuned for my next thinkpiece, Why Millennials Are Refusing To Have Grown Up In The 70s and 80s Like Me

I don't brag about it much but Shatner also did not find me.

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i ate the plums
that you were saving
i'm really sorry
they taste amazing
-- BURMA SHAVE

Wow, the new Skype for iOS is terrible. Microsoft seems to think that Skype is a social-media platform now. Some basic functionality is lost, and for some reason they want me to "heart" my calls and "follow" people.

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