wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

it's definitely an excellent day when i don't have a solid answer to "can i speak out loud"

he was shit but he also made me feel like i'm worth something

i can tell things are bad when i miss my lying manipulative hot chip eating ex

look at me being a burden upon the world!!!!

i woke up. can i die now

i wanna ask friends and family if they'd be open to learning some sign language to make it easier for me to communicate in Bad Situations, but i'm scared to get an answer like "i don't really have time for that how about you just don't go nonverbal again? how did you deal with it previously? maybe do that instead? because then i wouldn't have to put in my own time and effort for accessibility"

am i the friend group's kieri????? goddammit i always wanted to be rhea but i probably maybe definitely could never

it was very weird and scary going nonverbal next to other people. felt vulnerable and guilty

i usually tend to just stay in bed when it happens, but i don't think it's ever happened so intensely before?

some random thoughts about this in no perticular order:
* this feels like a classic(????) autism thing but i'm hashtag not a licensed professional
* i wish my friends and family understood some israeli sign language, and i wish i knew more of it than the ~10 words i know
* i could still talk perfectly fine to dogs! and look them in the eye! dogs are amazing and they helped me out of it and maybe i need a service(?) dog
* choosing emoji was scary and overwhelming because of all the faces looking at me from the screen
* thanks everyone on fedi for cw'ing eye contact because i just Could Not handle that unprompted
* amazingly, as usual, i was 100% conscious and thinking in complete and sometimes multilingual sentences, including formulating full sentence responses to what people said to/around me!!! and yet i couldn't move my speaking parts to speak any of it out loud
* i was at some point able to sing quietly along to music, but only in languages that i'm not native in (ie not hebrew and not english)
* maybe i should just never try to go to the place i tried going to again. perhaps avoid the area for a couple weeks..........
* weed helps me get from "completely uncommunicative" to "able to type on my phone", but i need to WANT to smoke for it to work........
* now that i'm verbal again (completely, and i think no longer stuttering) i............ kinda miss not being able to speak???? like.......... it felt like "haha! see?? i'm NOT normal!!! this is NOT fine!!!!!!! my brain is irreparably broken and i knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i told all y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was right about all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (i think the kids these days call this "feeling validated"?)

i got my speech and eye contact abilities back thanks to: DOGS

and i was supposed to have family dinner tonight and i have no idea how i can get my speech and eye contact abilities back by then

this feels ridiculous. this feels like something a neurotypical movie director would have made up about a """"crazy"""" character

i am afraid of the moment when i need to be in front of the bathroom mirror and make eye contact with myself

new morning. still wanna die. still can't speak

clarification: attempt was not suicide but rather being at a place where i was supposed to do a thing that's good for me

and then it triggered the heck out of every aspect of my funged up mind

hello nonverbal episode following a failed attempt at doing the thing. this feels ridiculous. i can type but i can't make eye contact and i can't speak; and like ; wtf.

feeling like a small child being obstinate idk

current mood: *dog whining sounds*

i hate the "people with depression are so brave and strong!" discourse

you know what requires courage and strength? ignoring every natural instinct your body and mind might have so you can inflict a very painful thing on yourself in the hopes that it kills you

you know what doesn't require any courage or strength? lying in bed all week with the curtains drawn smoking weed and watching tiktoks until your eyes burn while not eating anything because you feel like you're too fat

the inertia of life is a non choice and the only reason i keep going is that i lack the courage and strength to end it

this, combined with the social exclusion that the preparations towards said experience have inadvertently emphasized, is, how shall i say? making me funging want to die already

basically id rather die than do a traumatic and stressful and probably literally triggering experience this evening