Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

three am crushing anxiety no sleep crowd represent

I told myself a long time ago, when things fell apart, that when I could finally listen to this song without crying, I knew I was over Jessie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcHjAUhtSrk

I did it tonight. I finally did it. I still miss the hell out of my sister, but I know I can never go back there and will never be invited to. And it no longer hurts like hell to be reminded of it by this song.

Whatever happens from here, I can wish her the best and move on.

@IrisKalmia @Oneironott I'll bet it's to hold the crust down! Old kitchen-witch tradition. Some people use beans, and they also sell little wooden beads for it. It prevents the crust from rising up and getting bubbly!

@spacewastrel@snouts.online Yeah. And I mean, Peg will probably be OK, I just can't shake all the SCARY THINGS that happen to match the symptoms she's got exactly (as of course do a million unscary things).

And my stepdad... as noted when this first happened, I've already mourned him once and he beat the odds. He's a tough guy and the fact he feels fine... well, my background makes it hard not to suspect a bait-and-switch, but his odds are probably also pretty good.

The Quun Abides.🤷

@Austin_Dern I mean... as health disasters go, both of them could be a lot worse. *shrug* I'm just very prone to fixate on the worst possible scenario until I have solid reason to believe otherwise...

Plus, some very well-meaning but unhelpful Birdsite user RTed the intro to Up, and like an idiot, I watched it. I... I did not need that shit at this particular moment. >_>;

Stepdad did have a mild heart episode apparently. They found some blockages, two of which are close enough to each other that they're not sure whether they can do a stent or will have to do a bypass. Which ever it is, it will probably happen Monday.

Meanwhile, Peg's cough is getting worse. I finally got her going through the necessary bureaucracy but obviously she won't be able to see anyone until Monday at latest. So... one more thing to fret about.

I beat Ascension 20 on Slay the Spire.

Trust me. That's a lot. I've been going at this achievement for about 1600 gameplay hours. :O

One achievement down, and Slay The Spire will be the first game I've ever 100%ed.

@zx3 Sometimes putting the Velveeta and the butter in it is all you can really do. That's basically how I'm responding to my stepdad being in the hospital: increased cheese intake.

@zx3 Been there, currently gearing up for first Xmas without my brothers. I'll be thinking of you. Holidays just... *sigh* Yeah. Sometimes it feels like it's not worth the risk of heartbreak, doesn't it.

@anthracite Haha, OK, I missed that part!

I dunno, I've had three disasters turn out to be possibly not totally fatal for the people involved in the last week, so maybe that's what Robodawn meant?

Stepdad feels... fine?! He's pissed off because they can't do his heart cath today because of the holiday, and he absolutely insists he doesn't even think it was a heart attack.

Mom is having none of that, and good for her. He's GETTING a full inspection. But we do seriously wonder if it wasn't a panic attack brought on by stress from losing my brother this year.

Still a pisser for them, but I'm a lot less worried about not having him around for the holidays...

@anthracite I mean, the timing ain't great, but she was bound to show up sooner or later, poor kid. Like, once every 90 days or so?

@Soreth In the immortal words of Galiieo, madam: "And yet, she purrs!"

Some of you seem to be expressing skepticism, but after an extended examination and personal interview, we believe we have made a conclusive determination that Ms. Sugarfoot is indeed a kitty kitty kittyface.

On the other hand, I say all this morbid stuff... but you gotta put it in context. I've ALSO been preparing for my "imminent" death since I was 13 years old, and braced for the "inevitable" collapse of my economic viability since I was 22.

So yeah. Take all this anxiety with a big chunk of salt. I am just, as @anthracite constantly reminds me, a big worrywart. =(n)_(n);=

There was even life after Seattle. Good life. Weird life.

Holding back the tears
Chance for me to escape from all I know
Holding back the tears
'Cause nothing here has grown

I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
Nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could, yeah
I'll keep holding on (x4)

Well I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
'Cause nothing ever could

It's all I have today
It's all I have to say

@anthracite They have whole instances? Well, fuck.

@anthracite Yeah, I... I didn't want to tell you just how well you've played into my worst-idea plans here. ;D But luckily, this city also plays into my best-idea, live to be 90 with cool dragon lady plans. <3

We'll see how the dice fall.

Try not to die.

And you know what? There's some part of me OK with the Bad End, almost looking forward to it. When I lived with Kristy and Jessie, I used to spend a lot of time pondering where this would all go, and how it would all end in a tragic parting no matter what happened. And I kinda wondered, "Huh. What if I just kinda wrecked everything and aimed for dying with as few emotional connections as possible, just to spare everybody and myself?"

I'm gettin there!

Heh. I even have a little mental flowchart for the deaths of my parents, Peggy, and myself, in every remaining theatrical Act of my life, and what to do in each possible permutation. And I think about Plans A, B, and C and where they would leave me every single day.

Most of them end up with me alone in the cheapest possible American city, gleefully eating myself to death. :p There is ONE Good End path where Peg and I become Real Comics People.