Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

"Human earns a pound
Tiger gets a shilling
Eat just a little at a time
Terrans are quite filling."

Well, hemp's legal. Guess all of our problems are now over, since it's a miracle plant that's good for absolutely everything. Otherwise, I'd have to believe that a bunch of bearded countercultural types had fallen for their own hyperbole, and I just can't believe in that sort of a world.

I fully expect a cancer cure by next Thursday, an end to world hunger by the end of the year, an end to global warming by February at the latest, and free clothing for everybody for eternity. I see no reason not to assume we'll all be living in $500 compressed-hemp homes by the end of next year.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy about the news. It's just... I was told we had to fix this because The Man Was Suppressing A Miracle Plant That Could Solve All Human Ills--- not, you know, because the prohibition made no fucking sense at all unless you were a shithead newspaper magnate with a lot of money in paper mills.)

Fuck it, I'm going for more, even though it's probably got a higher sodium content than Utah.

If this woman's food kills me before I get back, I want @anthracite to know I love her very much, make sure Kirt and Noa get a happy ending, and know that I died happy. Probably went straight to Dago Heaven, too, where I shall be fed by doting old ladies for eternity. :D

You have no idea how much I wish I could upload a few gallons of my mom's wedding soup to Awoo and let you all share it out.

I'm pretty sure this stuff is only an ingredient or two away from a depression cure, perhaps even an immortality potion.

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@acetone_kitten Huh. Did you know that John Fucking Shirley wrote four episodes of the 2012 TMNT reboot? O__o

HOCH HECH

Don't believe the hype. There is no known preparation of Pinkie Pie's mane that will prevent Westphall Syndrome OR Lynks Disease. The Ponyvax movement is based on thoroughly debunked magical theory.

#StayOutOfTheSnowglobe

(Figure A: https://i.imgur.com/3IJK89z.jpg)

(Figure B: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEFIgSnS26M)

(Figure C: https://i.imgur.com/UKTTmdE.jpg)

*cut to an image of a perfectly androgynous raccoon with slim metal deelyboppers and plasticky #FF0000 fur*

"Hello. My name is Dr. Jennifer James Kirsch, director of the Scott Aukerman Memorial Institute For Pataphysical Medicine."

"Just thirty years ago, Tommy Westphall Syndrome was incurable. Thousands of canons were lost to Westphall. These innocent worlds were doomed to an eternity in the negative white-static fogs of the Subrandom Dimension of Gnerust. Many a sitcom knew what it was to roast in the depths of a metavore, I can tell you."

"But thanks to your generous donations, Westphall Syndome CAN be treated."

*holds up a syringe full a liquid that looks remarkably like the weird bubbly shit from the intro of MTV's Liquid Television*

"This simple substance-- made from equal parts Ubik*, reruns of "No Soap, Radio," and TVNA harvested from the nasal hairs of Danny "Abed" Pudi-- restores existential stasis in 95% of realities treated."

"But we're still working on a cure. We need your help. Write the magic word 'vibescu,' 'nogarelmo,' or 'resilono' on a 3"x5" postcard, lick the ink until it's completely illegible, and send it to:

The Snowglobe Society
c/o Electric Brain of Leonard Nimoy
PO Box y(t)+A(y)(y[x])^2
D'Aubainne International Airport
The Edge, Al Amarja
Earth-21

Thank you for your support, and... let's Keep It Real, everybody.

* Ubik is a registered trademark of Glen and Ella Runciter

#StayOutOfTheSnowglobe

DAYDREAMERS REMEMBER:

1. KEEP YOUR PARACOSMS SEPARATE.

2. USE CROSSOVERS SPARINGLY.

3. CHECK ALL CHARACTERS MONTHLY FOR METAPHYSICAL ANOMALIES.

4. DON'T NUMBER YOUR PARALLELS. ONE EARTH IS PLENTY.

5. IF YOUR HEADCHILDREN WANT TO PLAY WITH RICHARD BELZER, JUST SAY NO!

ONLY YOU(S) CAN PREVENT THE SPREAD OF TOMMY WESTPHALL SYNDROME.

https://thetommywestphall.wordpress.com/about/

#StayOutOfTheSnowglobe

I wonder if there are enough films out there to compose a "transcendent horror" subgenre? Stuff like Beyond the Black Rainbow, Phase IV, Martyrs, and Jissatsu Sākuru-- psych horror where the protagonists are put through absolute hell, but it all turns out to be in the service of their enlightenment. Films with cosmic "horrors" that are terrifyingly alien but not necessarily *evil*-- just totally corrosive to normal humanity.

Honestly, I'm a fucked-up enough individual that if I had to pick a "native genre" to live in for the rest of my life... that might be the one. I've always kinda wanted to be a space monster at heart.

Incidentally, you have no idea how much I pride myself on being a source of bizarre, obscure media for you all. I hope you are enjoying at least some of the weird things that I post here-- especially 'cause I'm not real likely to stop. :>

If there's ever something specific you're looking for, even if you only remember a fragment of it... hit me up. Like any part-time changeling, I REALLY enjoy digging around in people's lost memories. >:D

People talking about Beyond the Black Rainbow and Mandy inspired me to dig up this outtake from the Saul Bass film Phase IV, about a sapient hivemind of ants dominating humanity and, apparently, inviting them to some kind of bizarre invasive transcendence.

This lost ending is psychedelic, squicky, and gorgeously composed. I think I understand Panos Cosmatos (and a bunch of other horror directors) a little better now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beLpsWaUDNk

Also, I've been watching collections of Peter Serafinowicz's fake ads, and I am really looking forward to calling hummus "garlic pudding" for the rest of my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtF3_ybJJ50

potential cw if you're feeling VERY sensitive to fat shaming today -- it's pretty mild imo; the humor value of all this for me is in the litany of bizarre foods

also, i could murder a pile of discount foie gras right now, even though I'm pretty sure it's just spam

Just... listen, bodies are fragile and they break down for bizarre counterintuitive reasons. I love you all, so please please please don't do stupid shit with your body.

Also, um... don't strain yourself too hard when you take a poop. I'm actually fucking serious about this. It's apparently a real good way to pop a cerebral blood vessel. Just put down the Doritos and eat some goddamn fiber instead.

You know, it probably should have dawned on me that someone with a history of hypochondria shouldn't watch videos about massive organ failure BEFORE binging Chubbyemu's entire channel. :)

It was actually kinda cathartic, though. I _didn't_ actually go to that place at all, actually-- it's pretty easy to convince yourself you don't have, say, massive cirrhosis, or have somehow accidentally eaten a handful of Tide Pods without noticing. :p

Chubbyemu's videos are really good. DON'T GO. :O

I don't EVER want to see another prix fixe menu for gender ever again. From now on, we're just gonna order everything off the a la carte menu and share it family style, okay?

Let the other tables stare-- they're seething with envy, and they're right on the verge of pointing at you and asking the waiter, "Is that the special? Could I get a little of that?" <3

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http://www.furaffinity.net/view/29812133/

*whimper* Is it possible to get massive dysphoria about your own biological sex? I could DEAL with being this kind of boycreature...