Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

@green Hey, still up for tomorrow? When would you like to meet up?

It's a good aaaaugh, it's the aaaaugh of a mind well-exercised. Work turned into a glorious clusterfuck of hairsplitting research, and I think I expended every last molecule of glucose in my brain getting to the bottom of it, but I feel really useful and clever again, and I needed that real bad! ^__^

I think I'm mostly recuperated, all known social connections currently not on fire, headfriends still out merrily doing International Plushie Of Mystery stuff.

MOOD ALERT LEVEL:
SEÑOR COCONUT [ALL CLEAR]
BENTLEY RHYTHM ACE
B-52s
PIZZICATO FIVE [V. GOOD]
-->STEREOLAB
THE BUGGLES
LOVE TRACTOR
TALKING HEADS [FACTORY PRESET]
CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN
MICACHU AND THE SHAPES
DINOSAUR JR
MODEST MOUSE
VELVET UNDERGROUND
PINK FLOYD [V. POOR]
ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
RADIOHEAD
TAYLOR SWIFT [PLEASE NOTIFY 911]

Or from the opposite end, "I know this is crazy, but I swear to god, something on the topmost floor of my brain is determined it needs to tell you this For Both Our Own Good and I'm so sorry. If I don't do this, it will never, ever stop chattering at us both."

Or best of all, "I apologize for the behavior of those other two ninnies in here, and to be honest, at this point I'm quite willing to muzzle them both and send them to bed with no dessert just to go back to having fun with you."

You know what I would give my left front eyetooth for right now?

A language where the speech from your Id, Ego, and Superego are separately delineated from each other, so there would be a simple and clear way to say "I'm feeling this but not necessarily thinking nor believing it. I just want you to know what the Big Well-Meaning But Confused Beastie at the basement floor of my brain is trying to tell me."

Your friendly, low-key social contacts and small assurances are the most precious and therapeutic thing for me right now.

They ARE noticed, you DO have my gratitude, and they ARE being reciprocated as best as my woefully miscalibrated brain can right now. Thank you. <3

I can't promise I'll be repaired any time soon, but I can assure you the best persona architects I could find are hard at work on redevelopment projects.

This time for sure, eh? *weak smile*

I feel like I have no remaining functional internal sensors for what's appropriate and inappropriate to say to my friends. I feel so fucking lost and paralyzed.

All I can do is blindly follow what remains of my internal compass and try to do what feels right, and I genuinely apologize if that's mostly going to be "run off and hide under the nearest rock" for a few months-- with occasional bouts of "poke my nose into places it should no longer go."

I'm sorry. About everything.

Also, I should really consider either renaming or rebranding this account. Poor Valis is NOT a load-bearing zebra.

He was only ever intended to be a cute and fluffy afterdark, when I had DRASTICALLY mis-estimated what I was going to end up using 500 characters and a mostly-furry audience for. Poor little aging clubkid has had to go all pensive for me.

Plus, I'm really feeling much more like a disillusioned, overly-Terranized mooncat than a flightly cabana zebra.

Today I feel pretty decent. Every major and immediate source of ego damage has been sealed off and concreted over, and if I can just get in one good solid day of Earth Money Human Job in, and a good start on the Red Half of Parallax, I'll be okay.

I have a reasonably uncranky dragon to pet, a few dregs of cannabis, and heart-croggling amounts of caffeine, and maybe I can make this coning week good by just STARING AT IT REAL HARD until it goes belly-up in surrender.

I definitely need some more time Under The Couch before I can consider myself recuperated and eager/able to socialize, without either second-guessing my every single move or worrying about annoying you all.

Therapy is still on the table, but it's gonna be difficult to find someone I trusted as much as my last therapist. Mostly I think I just need a couple of months with no major emotional upheavals either inflicted upon, or ineptly caused by, yours truly.

We settled our internal dispute on the Headcouncil amiably.

Noelle was packed off to a private fantasy sanitarium that I will not be giving the details of until I make a proper AD account, and she herself will probably remember no details of. :) Director H & Laika have gone off clubbing in Space Ibiza for a few weeks. Kirsch is in the basement and won't talk to us but promises good things when zie gets out.

For now, it's just Rezeya and me-as-Alba, cattin it up.

Dammit, Nibiru, get your shit together.

Frog Fractions.

You didn't specify how badly.

(today's actual dragon friendship lesson: "yes, well, but it sure doesn't help that friendship roll if you accidentally fuck up her shower." n.n;;

Today's lesson in dragon friendship:

Some days, the dragon will have so many reaction penalties that you can not possibly roll a good reaction.

This is not the dragon's fault, should not result in you being eaten, and does not reduce your XP total from befriending that particular dragon, nor your faction bonuses.

Wait a full game cycle, and pet the dragon again. There is a 70% chance per dragon per day that their reaction penalties and purr bonuses will have reset.

@green Knowing us, we should probably start talking now about when we're getting together, no matter when we actually end up getting around to it. :D This weekend is riiiight out, might be able to put together something next weekend?

There are some potential issues surrounding WHERE though, since Peg's place kinda has no furniture whatsoever. :) We could cafe hop for a day or something? Dunno where we'd ever find a cafe near the U District though. O:D

Everything is currently not on fire. :)

I'm just gonna take a huge sigh of relief, and not touch ANYTHING for a while that isn't either a video game or a snack product. :)

Still falling
Breathless on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around
Broken in two
Till your eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
Till my hand shook
With the weight of fear

I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate

It was you
Breathless and torn
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers
Turning into dust
Turning into dust

--Mazzy Star, "Into Dust"