Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

https://youtu.be/e008jxkAQ-4

#pfaf

I got to coin the term "eigenhick*" for a Reddit argument and I'm very pleased about that. :)

*hypothetical redneck who simultaneously lives in all Southern states at once

Yup.

I mean, if we must, I might as well flaunt what Bast gave me...

TODAY ON ISOPOD RED PILL NEWS

NATURE IS SENDING TRANSGENDER LOLITA BUGS TO STEAL YOUR WOMEN

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paracerceis_sculpta

#pfaf

Any number of things I could complain about or pick on myself for... but mostly, tonight I'm just filled with this warm sense of "the kids are alright." Obviously *something* of the dream has lived on, and I'm genuinely kinda relieved and glad that my spiritual descendants are nicer people than I am. =^__^=

My current supply of cannabis has an enormous derpy husky on it and I find this very comforting.

Had a dream that I was visiting a friend, and Keet was at the kitchen table scowling at me silently when I left. I told her off good and hard. I felt a lot better after I did so, though maybe I would have felt better still if I'd told her both that *and* I'm sorry.

I dunno. I'm very conflicted about how cathartic that was, but better is better and, you know, dreams are dreams. I'm gonna take it and move on and try to have a reasonably cheerful day.

meanwhile at the next cafe table a gang of four Well To Do University Types is discussing african politics and repeatedly referring to ethnic groups as "tribes"

this is not necessarily Not OK but the voice of my junior year african studies prof (for whom this was a very sore point of inaccuracy) is in the back of my head weeping and i have to keep petting him and going "there there" because i know whipping out my Frantz Fanon on em would be futile

i didn't realize multiple irises/pupils in one eye was a thing, let alone a thing that i liked

https://www.deviantart.com/kandlin/art/Killer-Quartz-764656458

and i can still look at all this shit with a sense of humor -- if i ever lose that, not that i am likely to, maybe i *will* ask you to send me to that nice tiger farm upstate

but i inherited it from my dad just like my general tendency towards sardonic temperamental assholery, and if that ain't going away, the other one isn't likely to either, right

and meanwhile, i may have lost my community, my spiritual life, my connection to "postfurry" whatever the fuck that was, and my sisters, but i still have a lot of good friends and a cute funny clever dragon who abuses me in precisely the ways i have requested

and i beat another couple of gungeon quests and unlocked the grey mauser so i got that goin for me which is nice

also our 4 main protagonists are so beautifully fucked now and i think it's good for a basically rotten individual like me to have someone to torment on a regular basis (aside from the usual highly consensual maulings i exchange with peggy)

sorry liv
sorry k
sorry noa
sorry kirt

but you were all brought into your world to suffer just like the rest of us -- at least *i* promise you all a happy ending someday, for some deeply surrealist space-behemoth-riding value of happy

meanwhile parallax is stalled out, but in a good way i think -- peg read a robin d. laws book on plotting. the guy's basically my hero, and we've been frantically attempting to repair the weak spots he revealed in our script

it's good. it sucks but it's good. i think it's the biggest challenge to my fragile elfin attention span i've ever taken on for a creative project, but for the first time in ages i feel like i'm developing a real, concrete technical skill

finally hit that magical spot of "i still hate myself and everything i've become but i've got work to do"

is it weird that some of my plushies are trans?

it never dawned on me before that it could be weird :)

I don't want to pretend I'm the only one who suffered this year, not the only one by far nor the only one who suffered because of *my* fuckups. But it is particularly frustrating having your old life and sense of self basically sundered by offenses you still don't even fully *understand*. An action item here, at least-- some guidance as to what the hell I'm still doing wrong and what, if anything, I can do to fix it-- would have been helpful at any point. I dunno, no blame, am just lost.

The dominant mood of today: "Nothin' left to see here, folks." Binging on Bojack Season 5 probably didn't help much, but really what I could use is an end to the recurring dreams in which I can't get anybody I know to still speak to me. In general... that "what are you still doing here, you toxic old fart" sensation is overwhelming today and I'm honestly not sure what the fuck to do about it besides be stoic, put my head down, work on Parallax, and get the hell outta Dodge like fate demands.

oh fuuuuck the eulogy episode D:

i should call my mom and thank her for resembling none of that

This is basically what my anxiety disorder is like. 30 years of this running constantly. Including the ending. ^__^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4-iajSwcMs