Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

#moodsnapshot https://awoo.space/media/iSOpQHBMllwy0-WGc8A

Yeah, this is neurochemical all right. Can't quite get my brain to churn out complete paragraphs at work. Policing myself real bad for awkward behavior. Can't find any video or audio that engages my interest while I work.

And here's the clincher: there's this Vic Tayback lookin' motherfucker sitting next to me at the cafe, doing some kind of Responsible Adult Business Transaction in my sacred place, and my hindbrain has decided it ABSOLUTELY HATES HIM FOR IT.

On the other hand:

* Peg and I are doing okay. Getting on each others' nerves a tad, but okay. Holding steady for now.

* Everything I was worried about at work has worked out in my favor.

* Can't wait for a free day so I can pick up Parallax again. Should finish first draft during next session. I think some parts of it might in fact be really good; the rest, well, will be valuable education.

* MY FREAKING DESK ARRIVES TOMORROW. Supposedly. This time.

(er, sure as hell NOT that nobody tried... you did and i am suitably grateful, it's just that everything is fuel for the Melancholy Engine this morning... and fwiw, that's melancholy as explicitly opposed to, like, Despair or Self-Destruction, maybe 80-100 milliKafkas of background radiation)

Correction: it's not that I didn't get offers of a hand up. It's just that nobody was strong enough to lift this 250 pounds of mental flab and accumulated ennui out of the water. It's sure as hell that nobody tried. It's just that people gave up one by one---and don't try to tell me that ain't true, because at least one told me that outright.

I'm willing to put forth the effort, but I really don't know the way back anymore. I'm ready to just settle in here in the woods for a while.

I needed a hand up for so long and never got one. Meanwhile, I see people getting full-fledged rescue missions. I'm not bitter, I'm just very heavily inclined to blame myself and start compulsively looking for some kind of deep inherent flaw.

After this round of rejections, I'm... I'm spending a lot more time looking myself over for Secret Hateful Things than I was. And I was already spending a lot of time on that.

I could really use a vacation from being me. A lengthy one.

#moodsnapshot: the old Spiderman meme that ends up "and I'm just sitting here masturbating."

I'm delighted that The Kids seem to be all right. There seems to be a lot of joy in this community still, and I see people doing a lot of amazing things.

I can't pretend they're not things I'd badly wanted, set out at some point in my life to get, and feel right now like I've botched utterly and, this time, permanently.

Thought I'd fixed this problem for good when I got a social circle. :|

A friend just said the "true initiation never ends," and today I'm wondering if that's just not true and I'm not the counterexample.

I feel like that whole part of my life has just ground to a halt completely. It was waning, and now, at least for the moment, it's basically gone.

I'm just having a really bad brain day, feeling obsolete and superfluous and taken for granted on one hand, richly deserving of it on the other.

O pseudo-bounteous Mother and Queen, Progenitor of the Impossible Hordes, Wielder of the Almighty Poiuyt, Connector of Worlds, My Delightful 30-Point Bitch, Most Barren and Most Fertile, Lady Oaraeu of the Jackalopes...

I know this isn't exactly your specialty, but I pray thee...

Can I please just have a normal fucking day today? <3

Current earworm is just good healthy honest "Birdland." I feel this is the musicobacteriological equivalent of having robust stomach flora. This stuff ain't gonna hurt anybody.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idGvKFbYgI4

mfw the little kid three feet away in the cafe is too loud for even my fancy headphones to cancel him out, yet far too cute to be mad at -_-

At the 2/3rds mark for the first draft of my half of the Parallax script. Hoping to finish today. Slowly but surely. If nothing else, I haven't enjoyed a writing project this much since Absinthe...

Awww. That's genuinely sweet and wholesome of you, Google, but I really and truly was just looking up Of Montreal lyrics. :D https://awoo.space/media/UpxAU_VZKlTKrX7a_lg

(You get that smirk off your face, @acetone_kitten I didn't say I LIKED them yet. XD Finding out one of 'em is a member of Supercluster alongside Pylon's founder admittedly didn't hurt...)

Also these. They don't have the awesome hindbrain-pleasing granularity that muisjes do, but "tompouce oranje" at least gives search results with a more pleasing color consistency.

https://www.google.com/search?q=oranje+tompouce&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjs08edjOTVAhUD7mMKHfdvDv4Q_AUICigB&biw=1506&bih=947

*blushes harder*

FUN FACT:

Especially when I was younger, I had a lot of OCD-like fixations. I get the impression that this is not at all uncommon among our crowd.

Here's one of them: https://www.google.com/search?q=muisjes+oranje&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi_ktbEi-TVAhVgHGMKHaMzAwMQ_AUICigB&biw=1506&bih=947

I love orange muisjes. I have absolutely no idea why these in particular, but every now and then when I'm stressed out, I do a search for "muisjes oranje" and I feel a lot better.

*blush*

This is one of those films I'd like to see remade once a generation or so, like Alan Clarke's Elephant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHOp9diL3iI

A little glimpse into my shared universe:

http://electrickeet.com/Solfax/

(Graphic design courtesy of the inimitable Electric Keet.)

I've been really cynical and misanthropic for the past few weeks, so I figure the least I can do is give you the All Clear and note that I'm actually having a pretty good week and expect to have a decent weekend. ^__^

Listened to some Harsh Lessons about writer's block and procrastination from Dan Harmon and, since my other work for the week's done, thinking I'll spend today trying to apply them to Parallax.

Er... after one more round of Fidel Dungeon Rescue. c_c;

Current level of sociocultural nausea: 650 millisartres.

I'm desperately in the mood to mix it up with prudes of one political color or another, but I'm going to be good and take out my alienation on some minions of the Nuclear Throne instead.