Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) https://awoo.space/media/SC95q3QNIvI8rJB2ctM

Haha, look at this little guy's tail go! You'll get the hang of this, pupper! :) :) :) Whttps://awoo.space/media/zCrhXzlbZwsTLQ2GkMo

Hey, check out this cool ocelot kitten. https://awoo.space/media/EHyVYO1YkRDwe99SM2U

Say, I could sure use a bucket of puppies right now. Who wants to see a bucket of puppies? https://awoo.space/media/3ye7vhRNeEztuwqV9og

I think I'm going to mainly just post pictures of cute animals today. That sounds... wise.

I wish Peggy were here. She'd be completely indifferent to my social woes, and that would actually be pretty therapeutic, because the indifference tends to rubs off and she's just so goddamn cute about it. :) Also, there would probably be petting and adorable rumbling noises, plus being mauled by a feisty dragon is a much more direct and fully comprehensible, thus desirable, pain than the sort I'm feeling tonight. :)

And I don't wanna fight anyone, and any blame I did have for anyone but myself... well, it had to fade *before* I could even reach this stage of grief. But a lot of people involved in this on several different scales can be REALLY hard to get social signals or closure out of, and... I don't know what else to do but flail and fumble and allude and post song lyrics like a frustrated teenager.

Hence the desire to morph into a housecat, find a nice shoebox, and hide indefinitely.

https://awoo.space/media/AkxOjCdS5QEczKqRzo0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHsip5xOenQ

I'm sorry to be all cryptic. I'll just say outright: this is all about the postfurry community at large, and feeling like something's really gone tits-up about my relationship with it. And yeah, some of this is about how things ended with the folks at Transliminal, fears it won't heal, or worse, that it shouldn't. It's... complicated, feeling more complicated than I can really handle and it's either start talking or start bursting.

Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around, broken in two
Till your eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
Till my hand shook
With the weight of fear

I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate

It was you
Breathless and torn
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers
Turning into dust
Turning into dust

Did I ever mention my favorite Last Unicorn character is Schmendrick?

Poor son of a bitch called something up that, while it was genuinely beautiful and kind, it was also so alien and distant that it could only break his heart. Participates in something beautiful and all he gets is the knowledge that he befouled something he was never worthy to really *know*. Because knowing it was just not possible.

Yeah, no identification there at all.

He moved with some uncertainty, as if he didn't know
Just what he was there for, or where he ought to go
Once he reached for something golden hanging from a tree
And his hand came down... empty

I dithered over the perfect #moodsnapshot for tonight, but I think I've finally settled on it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JH4kMZABAjA

Can I just go home now? :(

That's emphatically not a veiled suicide threat, just general melancholy and a desire to curl up somewhere cozy. I'm pretty firmly committed to surviving until (a) Trump is out of office (b) Peg no longer needs me (c) my Mom is no longer around to fret over.

I just... wanna go home, and I have no idea where that is. It's probably got a lot to do with the fact Peg is at con and I am a tad cuddle-starved. But a night in a 5-star hotel wouldn't hoit. :)

This isn't about any one person. This is about the way I've come to relate to my social circle in general. Things are not good. This is not yet a cry for help, because I'd really rather just be an idiot and stubborn things out again, but... yeah, I'll let you know.

Sorry, it's been a good day but emotionally exhausting. I feel like I just did the interpersonal equivalent of agonizing but necessary physical therapy. Thank god the attending nurse at least knew what she was doing.

Now I know how Ray Fokker did it. It's amazing how long you can walk around before you notice the holes.

Don't get me wrong, this is all the consequence of an evening out that was really, really great on its own merits. But yeah. Big revelatory holes were punched into something that I was REALLY hoping to pretend hadn't been hollow for years.

I'm going to be coughing up little sadness hairballs for a few days, probably. It's okay, I REALLY needed that trip to the vet, and much worse things would've happened had I not taken it.

Just... fuck you, Coyote. You were right about everything. Absolutely everything in that goddamned prophecy came true, and I wish I'd savored that last day in Space while I could. I really thought it would be coming back to me someday. But you were right, and you are a good trickster and a noble trickster, and fuck you your mangy ass a million times until you're as dead as this world you snicker at.

I think I finally had my Big Chill moment tonight. If you don't know what that means, it's not my problem. Get your punk millennial ass to Google. :p

As is only appropriate, it was honest, raucous, witty, nostalgic and deeply melancholy. And it makes the last few years of my life feel like... to borrow a phrase... I just got a really good deal on a used car.

That car's long since been driven into scraps, and I feel like so have most of the friendships I carted around in it. Way back when.

Of all the ways I expected today to turn out, "quiet productivity" was not high among them.

Now if I could only figure out what I did. Getting my brain to work is like one of those stupid little "slide the ball bearing into the hole" puzzles. And true to form, I usually just "solved" those by rolling them around at random until I got a result I liked. :|

This is still the best song in The Police's entire catalog. :p

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ized1XMRp_I&list=PLWiaTQ91EE2E916sGvFGYlUF_6wpkrXVg&index=38