@Felthry it's uhm... an odd mix of plural and just general 'creative person gets too into things'?

I often refer to which character is in the driver's seat? Partly because I enjoy just presenting differently, but I've noticed I actually act differently too. Not like, drastic swings or anything, just slighty different trains of thought. Is enjoyable.

@Felthry Had a long point where inside my head I felt like I was constantly on a stage in front of a crowded, dark, theatre. Still have that from time to time, but there's at least a crowd on stage all putting on the same play, so I dunno. Brain solidarity against self doubt?

I wish words were easier to use to talk about it without feeling embarrassing.

@Draekos @Felthry There are Reasons I've generally encouraged you in this.

@Draekos This seems like a good mindset to have. I need to maybe try to get myself into this mindset because when I was fully plural I had constant "is this real or not" anxiety and sometimes now I still feel a little... uncreative? Like I'm afraid to play a character in case I end up becoming multiple again (which I do not want to do)

@Felthry I find myself wander in and out of it in phases. some days I feel phantom pains of squished tail against chairs, or wings brushing on walls. I have two taur characters who have been in the driver's seat off and on and hoboy body hysphoria gets huge there.

Other days... weeks, months, I'll feel 'normal' and fine being my squishy meat girl me at a keyboard with a cute dragon/bird people know me as.

@Felthry I find a lot of it just helps to lean into the mood I'm feeling and not fight when it fades.

@Draekos That sounds a lot like me, except I'm never really comfortable stuck in this human body. I deeefinitely know the phantom tail/taurbody/etc things. I might even get it worse than you at times--imagine having multiple additional phantom heads, none of which are attached to your body! It can be disorienting.

And yeah. I need to try to do that lean-into-it and not-fight-it thing. I am trying, sort of. kinstuff is weird and sometimes hard but usually nice.

@Felthry atypical selfcare tends to be, I've noticed <3

@Draekos @Felthry I actually lean into this thinking/narrative a good deal. It's one reason how I've kept a decent wrap on things anyway? ^^'
We do tend to act different. I mean it's... slight personality shifts, trains of thought and.. probably most obvious is phantom limbs ^^'

@Felthry @Draekos I guess it's like... If it's real okay. If it's 'play' than also okay that's cool too.

@Oneironott @Draekos And yeah, I'd agree with that. Just... Not knowing which one it is can get to me, sometimes. I just... want to be comfortable playing as characters again. I haven't in ages, outside of a few very specific contexts.

I dunno. This stuff's hard.

@Felthry @Draekos It is. I can't explain why I'm simultaneously plural and a writer with hundreds of characters that -aren't- headmates either ._.' I try not to focus on "what" it is and focus more "that" it is.

@Oneironott @Draekos That's what I want to be able to do. To just accept that things are how they are, without worrying about what precisely how they are is.

@Oneironott @Felthry I've noticed that myself. As well, as headmates/characters stepping over the lines. I guess some strike a cord just right and others fill narrative gaps.

@Draekos @Oneironott Part of my problem is that due to my history with such things, I'm not...entirely comfortable having headmates. And I worry about them stepping over the lines, as you put it. It may be an irrational fear, but it's one I have regardless.

My ideal situation, the one I'm trying to write into my brain, is one being with multiple 'presentations'. like, well, two frontends to a single backend I guess?

@Oneironott @Draekos It would be really nice to figure this stuff out in such a way that I stop feeling all uncomfortable with the topic. Because it's not a negative or bad topic in any way and I want to stop being uncomfortable around multiple people just because I used to be multiple.

Maybe part of the problem I had was that I/we tried to push it further than it would go, tried to get greater separation than was possible and/or wise, and that kind of snapped back.

@Draekos @Oneironott also thank you to both of you for listening and having valuable input. It's greatly appreciated.

@Felthry @Draekos Anytime :) We are here for each other <3

@Oneironott @Draekos Thank you. You are a good otterfriend. <3