Goldkin @Goldkin@awoo.space

There is a hecking good rainbow out there right now:
https://awoo.space/media/zFKT9czfm66hapE__EY

In short: ramble ramble, flail, flop, I wish I knew how to holiday anymore.

I did do a bit of social gaming, which was very good for me during the holiday proper. My mood crashed when I came up for air from that, and that... isn’t something I’m used to.

I’ll also assuredly be okay. But I... think I should be doing more than mood stabilization and self-care? I’m not sure.

I just wish I knew what to do other than feel kind of adrift and appreciative at a distance, while continuing to self-isolate from old anxiety.

My holidays with friends were the best I ever had, and I miss them so very, very much right now.

I’ll be doing a small thanksfeasting thing tomorrow with my roommate’s friends and family, and that will be good, I think.

I’m putting this here, mostly, because I want to figure this out. I miss my once-friends, I miss my once-community, and I don’t know how to work through any of the complexity that caused me to isolate in the first place.

I know I keep saying I'm going to be better at this, that I should try to reach out to people again, and that that keeps kind of falling onto the floor. I guess I've kind of forgotten _how_, for lack of practice and higher levels of anxiety than my baseline in 2014/2015.

I guess the recurring theme is, I really want to stop being the person that holds things together. I really shouldn't have to be, and I really want to just be a person again. Y'know?

I've come to realize that I come off as surly and distant because I spend way too much time tending to obligations (house, work, finances), and too little actually having fun or interacting anymore.

I keep justifying this to myself as putting off fun for another day to keep everything stable. But I... don't like constantly being the person that does that.

I guess that also makes it really easy for people to grow distant, too, which makes it hard to break the pattern.

This time of year is always hardest for me, because I want to be with the people I care about, but often cannot be.

The past few years, I put work and family obligations ahead of seeing friends and being around people that were genuinely good for me. I've found that has left me reticent and anxious when I... would much rather spend the holidays with folks I enjoy spending them with.

I'm trying to break that pattern. Probably imperfectly this year, but still, progress.

Update: Spyro 2 has a distinct lack of dragon dads, and it makes me want to play the first one again.

Also, Copano is my favorite. 💖