Goldkin @Goldkin@awoo.space

I just flew 9 timezones West (UTC+2 -> UTC-7), so my sleep schedule is pretty messed up right now.

So far, my dreams the first two nights have been:

* Learning to craft a game engine out of primitives, in episodic, 1-hour broken sleep segments, with a Black Mirror/Transistor-style plot format

* Unbroken sleep for several hours, in which my brain perfectly simulated a 22/22 big key run in A Link to the Past Randomizer (left first, big key in Tile Room)

It's unfair how delicious Norwegian roadside diners make their food. The flat steak and burgers are just: ;..;

The sheep here are very curious about people.

@Goldkin And the good weeks, that 2 of 52, remind me I am not broken, that I am still good at caring for people, and that I am not the varying horrors that drove me from those old places.

I just wish I were better at pulling it all together, and at not being terribly afraid of a repeat of the fallings out and accusations and pain. Because I know that passes, too, even if it scars.

For now, I should probably sneak back to enjoying the rest of this trip and making the best of the time.

@Goldkin My feeling is that too much weight has been put into wishing for specific collections of people again, and just putting things off until a nearly unending list of practical demands are met. This is also not sustainable for me.

I don't really know what to do about it. I spend much of the remainder stewing in my own feelings of self-doubt that I do not fit in and replaying the specific events that cast me out of my older communities. And all that does is comfort and stall action.

It is not emotionally maintainable for me to spend 2 weeks out of every 52 reconnecting with people and feeling like I belong again, sometimes flying half a world away to do so (NDG), while letting the other 50 remain fallow.

Which is another way of saying NDG is going well, and that I miss people the remainder of the time. Not just specific people, but any sense of community again.

That is not an impossible thing, even in the dark times. Especially in the dark times.

I'm currently out of town, and I want to frame the view outside the window.

Apparently this has been around awhile, but it’s new to me: https://www.oldweather.org/

NOAA scientists are asking folks to transcribe old arctic and whaling logs that are difficult to OCR, in an effort to study climate change. There also appears to be a great deal of data that already exists that you can help archive.

I just finished Obra Dinn, which is basically this in game form. I think I might try transcribing a few pages later.

The crow committee is very pleased with our latest offering of birdseed, tree nuts, and almond slices. They’ve felt comfortable enough to show their individual personalities around the feeder, ambling about and playing in the rain, while still keeping a wary eye on the tricksy humans and their feline.

Also realizing that my one power fantasy is living in a world in which sociopaths and billionaires do not exist, because its extremely cool to enjoy life and build each other up without systemic oppression.

At this point, I feel like I’m just holding together while Rome burns.

I am good at working in the moment and making the most of stressful situations (it’s why I’m good with devops and security). But, I am wholly unequipped for the entire system being broken, while those in power seek to ride the storm and direct the whirlwind.

I’ve been doing my best to find meaning again (in art, mostly), and to do my best to make my voice heard by those that can fix this. It’s not much, but it helps.

Our local corvids are pleased by our latest tribute of mixed nuts and seeds. I’ve also refilled our hummingbird feeder before it got too low, and also spied one of our woodpeckers picking through the underbrush this weekend.

Bird traffic here is definitely lower now that we’ve gone from Spring to Summer, but the locals seem quite happy.