Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

part II : crying to Smashing Pumpkins

fortunately at a dark time like this I can always find distraction in that great Californian liberal past time, being pissed off about why the fuck doesn’t Diane Feinstein step down/didn’t step down about a decade back

@Kyresti thank you! I’m still trying to figure out what’s eventually going to happen with this but it’s incredibly reassuring that someone else considers this fucky.

Then they had me shadow a senior CSR so G-d knows. I’m going to stick with see how Friday plays out, talk to folks on Telegram and draw to chill out this evening.

Trainer/supervisor who’d been critical all this time decided to throw me a practice call in which the theoretical caller was determined to flip his shit at someone. I did the practice as best possible since I could not discontinue or immediately refer the call, set up a callback, and got criticized for poor caller verification again and also my phrasing had invited the caller’s aggression. This on top of a all your calls are flawed, felt awful.

@Chip_Unicorn that’s the thing; childhood informs me that if only I were smart and worthy, I could be a GOOD PERSON and safe. 90s and more recently provided IT/programming as a tempting GOOD PEOPLE - after all there’s high salaries and a peer group right?

But rationally I know not just that problems don’t vanish/coders frequently are profoundly overworked, but also that I don’t have the interest to actually be good at and enjoy this specific, artisanal skill.

Essentially taking out self hate puts me back at; look this isn’t comfortable, do I trust I could land somewhere more comfortable enough to say naw, not worth it, worth the discomfort of looking and feeling unsafe that way, instead?

@Kyresti bad overlap of public school (the GOOD people get to be safe/I’m worthless), my Dad (I’m incredibly stupid and every thing I touch turns to shit/costs money), and all sorts of social baggage about suicide.

This used to be a lot worse; right now I feel stressed and want to chill out instead, rather than being caught in looping self hate and ideation.

… and, this is the point where my thoughts quickly cycle to “I wish I were actually smart and worthwhile, I should have become a programmer or a car mechanic and I’d be safe from this, but I was/am too weak and fucking stupid” then “I am never going to be safe, I should kill myself and escape but I’m too cowardly.” None of these are productive or helpful thoughts.

Training for this job continues to be incredibly discouraging and makes me feel I’d be no good at the real deal. I’m still planning to give it another day and a half before telling my agency this isn’t working and asking them to find a different position. I HATE this there’s always something you’re getting wrong; even without it actually inviting a (possibly screamed) harangue about how stupid and inept I am, it’s profoundly distressing.

Matrix Matrix Revolution, in which Neo wins a dance off with Smith and other agents because while preternaturally skilled and fast they’re still limited to normal dancing in the Matrix, whereas as The One, our hero can truly bust some freaky moves.

@rey “Inman Park, Reynoldstown” is a phrase I’ll probably remember on my deathbed.

Finally drew werewolves for #WerewolfWednesday! #drawing non human eye contact

looking through the PF2 Bestiary while on the toilet and in the Grim Reaper section they talk about "Lesser Deaths" and imho they should be a dungeon hazard, like they pop out of treasure chests whenever you're looking for ham and stuff.

welcome to Heavenly Haven!

warning, citizen riot in progress!
#MovieQuote

is it time to listen to Smashing Pumpkins after the Crow soundtrack and really wish I could do the 90s over again, with being young back but without all the fucking self-hate?

@SummerJackel dog dog dog dog dog 💙​

sometimes it rains inside my head
when the words run dryyyy
walls are breathing, hands are reaching up
to touch my thiiighs
no they don't have to take you away
no they don't have to take you away
no they don't have to take you away
no they don't have to take you away

@GraySpots I don’t think I could have coped even 8 years back. It’s nigh impossible to gauge whether I’m any good at this and, even if I am, whether it’s still not worth it. This is several degrees more difficult than prior phone work as reception/switchboard. I’m hoping I will have a better handle on whether I can/want to continue, soon. Meanwhile I reserve the right to call my supervisors (who tbf are basically okay) complete nimrods when they harsh me for what feels like bullshit.

@GraySpots this has been training, b/c this call center has some really strict confidentiality rules and mixes strict adherence to authorized wording with trying to stay personal and relatable (intended to avoid setting up callers screaming abuse at the CSRs). I had not quite realized I’d be playing on hard mode. The down side; facing what might be difficult material for anyone but definitely for me, making and slowly correcting mistakes, means facing lots of not-good-enough messages.