Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

I just wanna be a lover, not a red-eyed screamin' ghoul!

Traumatic personal and familial experiences echo, resonate, and keep me from being rational. Who'da guessed?

Traumatic personal and familial experiences echo, resonate, and keep me from being rational. Who'da guessed?

I feel bad that I now suspect any meme of "post [photo of self/fungi/undead/etc]" of being someone trying to skim images for AI.

Like "is this leftist just another antisemite?" or "is this awesome metal group more fucking Nazis?" another bit of joy tainted by reasons for suspicion.

1) I'm still really thinking about how this big nasty assumption at the core of my despair isn't that I'm especially deserving of misery or that the universe requires me to be miserable, but that I *will* be made miserable to convenience someone else. This was definitely true in childhood and I think it's a lot harder to challenge than "I am a shitty person" etc.

2) Probably related is noticing how jumpy I am about any place which could lead to censure (being the wrong gender, ethnicity, age, having the wrong opinion, etc), including the illogic that at some level I'm always afraid friends are going to completely go off on me, which feels terrible. I think some recent events really pushed those buttons as a worry.

3) I told myself I was going to take today off and yet I worry about doing so.

Fine.

SHAFT IN MORIA!

the dwarves delved too deep and too greedily

they got SHAFT!

Right up to HERE!

*waves empty hand in air during the appropriate part of "I'd Do Anything for Love" since my lighter's down in the car

actually I lied. Pretty much 70% of "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do THAT!)" is the part of the song where you wave your lighter in the air

I am angry. I mean it's infuriating enough to tell me my dreams are dead, that the future is about more antisemitism, rent increases, F150s, square condominiums and disruptive technology. But it's another thing to slam down on the dreams of artists WAY better than me. This truly, deeply sucks.

"Hey, I found cougar scat on the trail!"

"How can you tell it's cougar scat?"

COUGAR "a di da diddy da ba da da DA"

quickly, ungulate your belly!

*belly dancer digests vegetation slowly in multiple chambered stomach*

HOT TAKE mashed potatoes are basically the savory equivalent to ice cream

Anyway, I got a lane change wrong and some lady badly dinged my passenger side door because she couldn't slow down in time. So I did some cooking while kinda in shock and I may be off for the next little bit so please be okay with me

great, let's have waterworks in semi public about Vincent Price dying in Edward Scissorhands, it'll be CATHARTIC

remembering the time me and Sammi caught Ed Wood on TV, and about 1/3 of the way through I asked to stop.

"But we're both REALLY enjoying this, so why?"
"I can see where this is going. Lugosi's gonna die, and I'm going to cry like crazy about it."
"Let's keep going."

And sure enough, Lugosi kicked it and set off epic waterworks.

sure, let's listen to the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack, the Elfmanest score. The only way it could get Elfmanier is if the movie had featured a circus.

*suddenly and for no real reason feels weepy*

Danny Elfman drinking game;

play about 10-15 seconds from any Danny Elfman track. Whoever says "CHRISTMASTIME!" when it is actually from a movie set at/featuring Christmas, wins.

... brought to you by the "Clown Dream" from Pee Wee's Big Adventure

oh YEAH! even though I think most people will disagree about the best song The Cure ever did, I'm pretty sure nearly everyone will rank Friday I'm in Love as somewhere 1-3rd best.

WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?
WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?

hands in the air, assume the position!

WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?
WHAT CAN YOU SEE INSIDE OF ME?

ev'ryone make their best dead faces!

PRO VISION L 3!
PRO VISION L 3!
PRO VISION L 3!
CULTURE OF SUSPICION!

*throws heavy objects*
*obscene gesture*
*gobs*

I'm now seeing there's a suffering-makes-you-worthy component in my fucked up childhood baggage.

Suffering to achieve worth is a superficially appealing alternative to accepting the world throws out endless cruelties, arbitrary but for the lack of ability for the already hurt to cope with it.

But what that sets up is; it's never apparently turned around (and why would it? Turning the situation around takes the sort of confidence as well as energy that you're not going to have if you're slammed constantly, like I was as a kid). This clearly means I'm not really worthwhile and maybe I'm not even suffering right? And then you've got the adult world telling me that what I'm going through isn't even vaguely worthy, that things are ideal, that they've provided so much, that I'm privileged all over the map.

I think I'm thinking of it as part of the "I need to be miserable so the good people can get what they want" baggage I've been trying to break through, lately, since one way in which people were officially good was that they had suffered and therefore I had to bend over backwards for them.