Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

"We the people of Ardentia! We have suffered since you blasted our kingdom! We can offer you nothing this year but our loyalty."
"Excellent. We prize nothing more than loyalty. Now tell Us, how great is this loyalty to your Emperor?"
"Without measure."
"We are delighted. Fall on your sword."
"Death to Ming!" *zotz*

Today, I'm noticing that I have this childhood training which affects how I respond to failure.

1) something happens which I don't want.

2) I've been trained that this is never just something that just kinda happens, or even that it feels worse because of poor sleep or not eating, but because of something I did wrong, typically being stupid, unable to focus, or not working hard enough

3) how other people are treated complicates this. Either I want what they want, which carries the implication they are innately better than me (or will always be innately luckier), OR it's not something they want, which implies I'm bad for wanting something a good person wouldn't want.

4) related, I feel completely alone; either I feel alone in wanting whatever, or I feel alone in washing out of whatever.

5) lastly I'm not supposed to have a negative reaction to this at all - I'm not supposed to be frustrated, sad, angry, or give up (unless it's something GOOD people wouldn't want). This is especially bad if the reason I failed was already my fault. And obviously I'm not supposed to be unhappy with being punished fairly (and it's always officially fair), so by now this compounds with the initial frustration and comparison to other people.

I’d packed my tablet and still had coffee so immediately after job hunting I flatted a couple of drawings. I’m nowhere near good at choosing colors, but it’s so different from any other art thing I do that it’s really fun for me. Depression’s still eating me, but a bit less now.

Worrying about Trump because he's having problems with senile dementia is like saying the danger of a nuclear exchange is that people affected by material carried by weather patterns are at higher risk for cancer.

let's listen to something other than NIN. I know. Schostakovich is pretty easier going while depressed.

* 3 minutes later *

DEATH

💀​

TO ALL THOSE WHO STAND IN THE WAY

OF FREEDOM FOR WORKING PEOPLE

the me that you know is now made out of WIRES
and even when I'm right with you
I'm so far away
I could try to get away
but I strap myself in
I can try to scratch away
the sound in my ears
I can see it killing away
all of my bad parts
I don't wanna listen
but it's all too clear

it won't give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head

I have the futuwe in my hands I can devouwuh
I'm hawd as fucking steew and I, I have the powuh
I'm evewy inch a man and I'll show you somehow
me and my fucking gun
no scwewy wabbit gonna stop me now!

time for this joke again

ME CIRCA 1997: oh wow. It's all in here - abuse, religion, rage, entrapment, despair. Trent Reznor really GETS it man. It's like he was there all through my childhood.

TRENT REZNOR: there was a GIIIIIIRL and she didn't LET ME SCHTUPP HEEEEEEEER

1996's Rollins Band release, "PUNCH SOMETHING!" Nearly a full hour of urban alienation and unsuccessful attempts to medicate nigh-suicidal depression with sheer rage. Oh YEAH!

and here I am, keen eyed
my mind is low to the ground
and in my mind, real time is mine
and I know what I know.
I step up and get none;
I step up and get none.
I take less and less and less and less and less than none.

Kung Fu Panda 4 introduced a fun new character and I am truly surprised I didn't know about this beforehand through having found several reams of porn about them.

heck I'm surprised nobody's drawn extravagant porn of the villain in this one. Except she's way more @anthracite's aesthetic and I'm unsure if Peggy utterly despises the entire series or not.

I was also surprised that the follow up to Po's biological father meeting his adoptive one reads this strongly as a married Gay couple.

I want... something, this morning. Affection? Sleeping safely next to someone? Actual acknowledgement by my parents of my differences and boundaries as an individual? Different societal takes on ethnic differences? More books I don't have or make enough time to read?

A croissant?

Realizing that I desperately want to be acknowledged as ADHD, which to be fair is like acknowledging I have green eyes, because I want my horrible failures to be not an intrinsic moral flaw or pure fucking egocentric stupidity which merits punishment. ADHD doesn’t stack great with CPTSD.

oh HEY

I realize the chance of anyone celebrating actually reading this are roughly about nil, and besides Eid's tomorrow in India

but blessed Eid to anyone celebrating.

Gatorade ADULT! Same great flavor you've always <strike>loved</strike><strike>tolerated</strike>accepted, but now 8% ABV!

GHOST RIDAH MOTO-PSYCHO HEEEERO
GHOST RIDAH MOTO-PSYCHO HEEEERO
OH BABY BABY BABY HE'S BLAZIN' AWAY
LIKE THE STAR STAR STARS IN THE UNIVERSE YEAH
BABY BABY BABY HE'S LOOKIN' SO CUTE YEAH
RIDIN' AROUND IN A BLUE TRUNK SUIT YEAH
BABY BABY BABY HE'S SCREAMIN' THE TRUTH
AMERICA IS KILLIN' ITS YOUTH!

"what does integrity mean to you?" I dunno, I'm LYING about especially wanting this job because I need to survive. Believe me, I try to lie only when I have to, and that means to people in power.

perhaps 11 minutes of Henry Rollins yelling about childhood abuse will make me feel better

https://youtu.be/DDjdTxlA-FU?si=Ju7EHIUzE3B8zqvg

"Put your hand in the box."
"What's in the box?"
"Bean pie."
"I sure do love pie!"
"STOP. I hold at your neck the gom jabbar. This one kills only animals."
"Are you suggesting there's no pie?"
"NO! I'm suggesting you might be human!"
"Not even marionberry?"
"NO. You feel an itching burning... flesh crisping... nerves on fire..."
"THE PIEEEEEE!"
"Kuhl wahlad! No woman child ever withstood so much!"

no, you fuckers, I have exactly NO desire to dye my gray/white hair back to brown as a confidence boost

If I'm gonna color my hair I'd prefer unrealistic bright orange, or possibly green. The ONLY reason I have not done this is I need to kiss up to my father and potential employers.