Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

So I was think about how some of today’s bad feelings are basically con drop. I WAS special, valuable and worthwhile to someone, work, parents and apartment makes me feel not special, valuable or worthwhile. Maybe the issue is in part I never learned how to carry feeling special/valuable/worthwhile into dismissive spaces because my childhood was going from one dismissive “space” to another.

Maybe I can hack feeling this bad by remembering it’s an artifact of not being granted freedom as a kid.

Just feeling really broken today. About to eat now, and in 3+ hours I get off shift and maybe drawing will help too.

Just a lot of “childhood trained me that regardless of who I actually was, I am profoundly ugly, stupid, without inherent worth and futureless,” and “I bought into my lack of future so much that if it’s even possible, I’m unsure how I get anything I actually want now.”

I really wish I didn’t have all this baggage about being stupid. Having people scream that I was at me kinda has that effect.

Me: just kinda depressed right now. Going from the stress of a day with my parents to the good feelings of last night really emotionally hit hard.

Also me: heh heh medieval music all sounds like it should have some dude making fart noises with his hands in time.

tell me I have plenty of food in the house and don't need to visit the Lynnwood H-Mart probably during a bad time of the week, to try to buy chicken livers.

I’m convinced that, had he lived longer, Lovecraft would have eventually had friends who were Black, and also would’ve completely not understood why saying the most horrifyingly racist shit upset them.

Lovecraft’s fiction; I found the flayed face and hands of Henry Akely, whose brain was winging its way to Pluto even then, transported by sentient fungus who communicate by flashing light!

Lovecraft himself; it was COLD! And there was A FISH MARKET! And JEWISH PEOPLE, like Bob Bloch! I JUST CAN’T COPE!

oh no, the world continues to fall apart, I continue to want to draw dumb stuff, and it's actually okay out outside, and I'm supposed to spend today with my parents.

It's only now, after three weeks between jobs, and one week of work, that I feel like what I honestly need is a *vacation*, vacation. Going camping for a long weekend definitely did some of the convention/vacation things I've wanted for ages, but it'd feel nice to have more.

Oingo Boingo's song "Little Guns" references "little tanks no bigger than your thumb!" Assuming a big tank is a Koenigstiger or M1 Abrams which would be 4-4.33" long Danny is singing about 1/72 scale, something relatively easy to find in 80s SoCal.

@noelle elaborate setup for a joke on birdsite, reminded me of you; https://twitter.com/lucyasnyder/status/1563304207993950209?s=21&t=bfMQUOH8AhGIafEJ0b_UoA

#drawings today were an elf knight charging a goblin billman, and three metahuman Shadowrunners breaking into a building! You can’t tell when the Henry V soundtrack ended and I switched to Peturbator, at all!

I figure the dystopian future looks pretty Queer. The GOOD LOOKING dystopian future, not whatever the fuck this is.

come on over and do the twist, uh-huh!
overdo it and have a fit, uh-huh!
love you so much it makes me sick, uh-huh!
come on over, shoot the shit, uh-huh!
beep beep I'm a sheep (beat it! beat it!)
beep beep I'm a sheep (beat it! beat it!)
beep beep I'm a sheep (beat it! beat it!)

WELL HE NEVER BLEEDS
AND HE NEVER FUCKS
AND HE NEVER LEAVES
CAUSE HE'S GOT BAD LUCK YEAH
WELL HE NEVER READS
AND HE NEVER DRAWS
AND HE NEVER SLEEPS
'CAUSE HE'S GOT BAD BLOOD YEAH
I'M A STAIN!
I'M A STAIN!

She should've stood out in a crowd
She should've made her mother proud
She should've fallen on her stance
She should've had another chance
She should have been a son
She should have been a son

REPTILES have pretty scales
run real fast, like to bite
SOME HAVE TAILS!

SAMURAI like their water hot
very brave, eat raw fish
THEY FIGHT A LOT!

And with generational distrust (Boomers, GenX and Millenials are all convinced that *they’re* the hard working ones being crapped on; you can probably guess my bias here).

A thing with debt forgiveness reminds me of discussing white privilege; it IS possible to have privileges AND still be disadvantaged AND still work hard. I think part of it’s that, thanks to growing up around duality, blame and punitive thinking, we’re quick to assume any accusation of privilege is an accusation of innate moral flaw, and punishable. That last part’s on a collision course with the folk belief that ordinary people, rather than the obscenely rich, will be dinged by tax increases.