Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

this whole thing where everything riffed off everything else; self-hate as a coping mechanism for fear and anxiety (distraction, personalization means problem can be under my control etc) but then, because I was so sure at some level that I'd fuck it up/was innately a fuck up that amplified anxiety as bad as anything I got from the basic fear of being slammed at any time by stuff out of my control.

And remembering that the accident sits right in the weak spot about self-determination leading to failure, over in Erickson's stages of childhood development, so it really did open me up to buying into "what if stuff *I* did wrong is what people don't like/what will lead to losing comfort and safety?"

Having mostly gotten past the self hate, and having gotten part through at least the related "what happens to me does not reflect my worth and whether I'm actually doing things well," gets me back to anxiety and as part of that, RSD. I'm really terrified that I'll say or do the wrong thing and alienate people, caught up in wanting everyone to like me.

no, *you* ate half an edible to deal with anxiety and now you're alternating cat videos and the "Friends on Mushrooms" album

MINUTES LATER
it's okay to cry about cats, right?

Also here’s some pan fried polenta with garlic parsley tomato glop, made to use up the polenta and half a can of tomatoes.

#drawings this evening are pushing on inks, see if I can do more of what I liked earlier. Fire giant attacking a human warrior; anthro fennec with a cup of tea, and wereshark with flensing hook.

the bisexual urge to lean forward, arms folded, thumb and two fingers out on each hand, and to SKREEEEE during the appropriate parts of the Jurassic World soundtrack

Okay talked to another recruiter. Gonna do that paperwork tomorrow, I want to push on inking for a bit.

apparently "puck drop" is a term in hockey

and yet it's NOT about how you're kinda depressed that the hockey game is over and you have to go back to your day job.

singing along to Dan Dubuque covers means the accent comes out.

Dan Dubuque as music GOH for a furry con, who's with me?

job hunt finished, perhaps John Barry's theme for "Zulu" will provide me with motivation to go cook/eat something which isn't a pastry and a cup of coffee. #uSuthu

one two three fo
Spider Man Spider Man
does whatever a spider can
throws sticky webs when under stress
someone else cleans up his mess
look out here comes the Spider Man

Spider Man Spider Man
what the fuck is up with Spider Man
is he tough listen chum
he's got radioactive cum

friends here talking about bears suddenly brought up the memory of her saying "Bears are brutal and murderous, they're not cute" and I said "yeah but I'm a hyena [the fursona she knew me by] and *they're* cute"

damn it why was it her and not me? She was a great artist! She had a wife who loved her!

oh boy do I want to work in Bellevue for $17/hour? Would I like to be an executive assistant for $19-21/hour and under 40 hours weekly in downtown Seattle? Would I like to move to Bremerton? Would I like to be a delivery driver for Amazon?

crap, anyone need to a blow job? I think I'm good at it and it'd be a lot more spiritually and fiscally rewarding than this bullshit.

When Germany turned to fascism, their country had been half-wrecked after decades of building prosperity and national identity, and they followed a war veteran who wrote an only semi-coherent book while in prison. When American turned to fascism it was a follow up to 40 years of total bullshit rooted in our long history of racism, where we wrecked *ourselves*, and a nigh illiterate snake oil salesman who slimes his way out of any chance of facing prison. This doesn't say great things about Americans.

The moral arc of the universe bends towards rich assholes pushing whatever egregious shit they currently want.

Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Trying to figure out more of the movements and feeling out lighting choices inking #drawings from last month. Harpy surprises halfling wizard; a deer centauress and Ravenloft’s “wolfwere” Hakon Lukasz; two undead.

On The Road Again https://youtu.be/eW6BN_fTpAk via @YouTube

as long as I'm torturing myself, something about this track really seems to describe the atmosphere of cons

guess who impulse bought two big yams, roasted 'em up, and is now trying not to eat all of it?

Okay, I needed some time at Starsucks to read. I got mustard greens and yams so I’m gonna use Starbucks closing early as a jumping off point to cook some.

ran into two more things that support ADHD as an elegant explanation of what happened;

* discussion of how PF2e rules aren't really user friendly (especially presentation) explains why I have problems focusing on the rules despite how I love D&D and similar, but also got into "dyscalcula" being partly the person hate *hates* being on the spot to churn out basic math

* discussion of someone who innately associates cleaning up with being punished thanks to the abusive manner in which it was presented

The Cure's "A Forest" has actual lyrics, no matter how much you associate it with werewolves do not accompany it by tilting your chin up and howling, especially not in the food court