mh related journaling
Right now I have;
* job loss, cost of living etc telling me that my survival hinges on someone who doesn't and can't really know me deciding that I am a valuable, worthwhile person
* my connection to my parents which is rooted in being what they consider valuable and good, rather than any informed idea of who I actually am
* political stuff which heavily implies that all people like me are monsters playing on easy mode who should be exterminated without regret
All of these really call out my childhood thinking in which I wanted to be the best in every possible respect so I could be considered worthwhile enough to be safe, and where I felt goals would always be moved to ensure that I could be safely dismissed as worthless and bad and therefore punishable.
mh related
Something I never expected as part of gaining greater self worth; viewing myself as a stupid, inept, ugly, unlikable, worthless failure was a coping mechanism, not a fun one. As I step beyond it, I find myself running into places where it would help me cope, but no longer does. Even when I fall back into self hate, it's like how someone might wind up smoking, drinking or caffeine again after quitting, for a little bit rather than a complete return to old habits. Either way I still have to figure out how to confront what's getting to me.
stoned coyote sings along with Kyuss
oh sunshine
your loving beauty passed me by
should I waste my time
in your valley beneath your sky
aaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaa
aaaaaa
I am home!
you move your own mountain
the trees have grown
the trees have grown
now it's over
now it's over and I'm going home
aaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaa
aaaaaa
I am home!
oh honey, you know that you can (and will) lick my doo!
oh honey, you know that you can (and will) lick my big fat dooooooo!
Lots of random gunk, but some drawings and cooking talk too. Obsesses about DnD and related topics. Left-leaning/profoundly frustrated politics. Black lives matter; trans rights are human rights.
Occasionally NSFW art and discussion, please do follow if you're 18+.