Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

That was a relatively OK visit, but my shoulders hurt like I’ve been firing a Nagant. don’t ask me how I know what that feels like.

Not surprising but; I don’t really want to spend all Saturday with my folks. I’ll do it, it’ll be done, I’ll eat half an edible and listen to Maazel’s “Ring Ohne Worte” or something, it’ll be okay.

I'm starting to see my really fearful, hostile view of the world as a by product of just being sort of naturally nervous. This doesn't work great with the ADHD hope for, need for quick dopamine fixes.

Something negative happens, and before the cortisols have really cleared my brain something negative happens, and more stacks. On a conscious level my mind looks for a logic behind why such awful stuff would be happening, and comes up with this intentionally hurtful universe - or how completely shitty I am.

The first few days of my life were emergency situations, I'm told that sticks at some level. Nearly dying in the accident didn't help. The anemia in 5th grade or so didn't help. And for the first 18 years of my life, negatives were constantly happening without enough space to really recover. And for the first 18 years of my life, I really WAS getting told this universe was intentionally hurtful, that other people were legitimately better than me, and that I was completely shitty.

So honestly all of this, all of this terrible take on life is at base my jumpiness. Nothing more OR LESS meaningful. Just ADHD and anxiety and exactly none of it being acknowledged and honored.

brb getting myself blocked from Danny Elfman's YouTube channel by commenting CHRISTMASTIME! HEE HEE HEE HEE! on pretty much every track

https://youtu.be/6Rqe7mhSYIY?si=h6SYKxpJSmdl1a6F

Colored another #drawing today.

YES I KNOW MY ENEMY
THEY'RE THE TEACHERS WHO TAUGHT ME TO FIGHT ME
COMPROMISE
CONFORMITY
ASSIMILATION
SUBMISSION
IGNORANCE
HYPOCRISY
BRUTALITY
THE ELITE

crorb

so there's Cope's Law which says organisms become larger over time

Bergmann's law which suggests volume increases much more than surface area in colder areas

and carcinizaion.

all of which combined suggest that the ultimate life form in northern regions is going to be a HUGE ROUND CRAB.

next time I have a red bean cake I'm getting some vanilla (fake) ice cream and dumping it on there, but I don't know what'd be an appropriate topping for the whole thing

I fess up to remembering this sundae based on taiyaki. I don't remember what the topping was on that.

"Give a specific example of a time you provided great customer service?"

oh you mean how every time I have a customer facing job at all, I haven't yet told customers to go fuck themselves with an XL Chance but without lube?

I'm basically a seemingly bottomless pit of rage and loss who also likes cats, hikes, cooks, and draws but not nearly often enough.

https://youtu.be/57yUp-gYJdE?si=34wWj1SuUHyN5yNf

How does it look from there, Charles? Still fighting the good fight? From HERE, it doesn't look like they're playing by your rules.

there's something very ironic about getting a "are you having an [psychiatric] emergency? dial [number]" message pop up on a clinic site while trying to apply for jobs, something which regularly makes me think about killing myself (and this application isn't an exception)

THE FUCK? AN ACHAEAN SOLDIER WEARING A FUCKING LORICA SEGMENTATA, DUMBASS MUSCLE CUIRASSES ON THE TROJANS, AND SAYING HE HAS A DELIVERY FOR ATHENA (BUT NOT APHRODITE)? I mean yeah I know selling Oreos not exactly Aegean snack food BUT STILL FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

"verifying that you are human"

y'know, about that...

as usual when I shave my legs I am struck by the thought

what the hell is the hair around my knees made from, space shuttle tile? If you could synthetically duplicate this stuff you'd have the most durable fabric out there.

gettin' those "shit I should be talking out in therapy" blues again this mornin'

twang twang plink

dude DUDE apparently Acid Mammoth released an album earlier this year, I am so STOKED!

I finally realized that if I REALLY needed the bathroom I could spend my break on this - some coworkers were talking to each other - and the next floor down was a wedding, but I snuck past on the stairs, found there was a huge gate mostly closing off the wedding (it'd be nigh impossible to get in anyway), got to the next floor, snuck past the singers (all Black, in contrast to the very white wedding guests), and there off to the side was this little shower/bathroom with wood paneling.

I finally managed to get it to lock and I was on the pot taking a shit when one of my coworkers UNLOCKED IT and walked in intending to use it, and she apologized and asked me to bring something back up to the third floor when I was done.

wanted to journal it since this is just every feeling of being someone else's convenience/being shut off percolating into my subconscious.