Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

listened to the mashup enough that as soon as the Ghostbusters theme comes on I immediately think "DON'T tell me to smile/you stick around I'll make it worth your while/got numbers beyond what you can dial/maybe it's cause I'm so versatile"

today's recontextualizing things as ADHD, I now realize that even when I think terrible things, I'm not an out of control monster like I've been told, I'm just frustrated which builds up differently than for someone with a "normal" brain.

The bad news is "the worst people in the world doing not just mean but intrinsically impractical bullshit with out money, like all abusers they can slam you at any time, and nothing that should stop them does" is pretty much the definition of frustration.

Non furry fantasy #drawing last night

Last night’s #drawings, furry stuff

I AM THE GOD OF CLAM CHOWDER! And I bring you

CHOWDER doo doo doo!
I’LL TAKE YOU TO LEARN doo doo doo doo doo
CHOWDER doo doo doo!
I’LL TAKE YOU TO BURN doo doo doo doo doo
I’LL SEE YOU BURN doo doo doo doo dooooooo!

Originally Bowie was going to make the song about “let’s fart!” with appropriate noises

But then he was worried that people wouldn’t take the moonlight seriously enough.

but there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Literally Some of Everything marched against the armies of Mordor who were also a mix of Everyone, if you read the Silmarillion, and there on the very slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for lower rents, shorter hours, and legalized marijuana.

the world has changed. I smell it in the water. I taste it in the air. I hear it in the wind. I see it in the leaves. I feel it in my bungho....

*offstage* GET ON WITH IT THEN

much that once was, isn't. for there are few now who still remember it.

it began with the rings of power. not a nasty, slimy ring, full of cruelty and malice, but a hobbit ring and that means comfort.

First I realized that neurotypicals' understanding of criticism isn't the same as mine (and I circled back to it today). They might see their criticism as merely intended to instruct me in a task, BUT they figure this is a quick deal thrown at someone with a relatively functional ego (after all, would I be doing this if I didn't know I was smart?). On my side, though, it's a lot of you-fucked-up for what feels like half of forever, when I'm already dumping energy into uninteresting tasks and the hypervigilence of expecting attack (and, having been repeatedly told I'm stupid/weak/clumsy/ugly/unfunny/undesirable adds to not feeling I'm competent at things, so I'm not as capable of setting criticism aside as "yeah, but I'm good elsewhere.")

All it takes is a *little* maliciousness - a few times when I really *was* set up to fail, or an adult screaming at me or similar because I failed to do it perfectly, or an adult screaming at me because I had a meltdown (which they parsed as that I was innately an uncontrollable, hateful little monster) -

- a little earnest messaging that this dreck I didn't want to do in the first place was CRUCIALLY VITAL TO THE REST OF MY EXISTENCE FOREVER , especially because my childhood was really focused on punishment, so what the neurotypicals considered a reward was stuff I considered even more frequent or more difficult tasks as a setup to fail -

- and a little obvious unfairness and favoritism -

- and I came to believe that any criticism was intended maliciously to crush me and make me an emotional void useful to someone else. I've learned over the years that it takes very little actual malicious intent to be parsed as constantly malicious.

Next while walking I realized my understanding of reward and consequence is different from theirs. To them, you need to do step A => step B => step C => reward. And getting criticized, making sense of it, and using that to give the next steps more technical proficiency, is just one more of those steps. And they'll expect me to be grateful for them trying to teach me, instead of me resenting them dumping criticism on me for failing to perfectly accomplish stuff I was never actually interested in.

But to me, not only is the logic step A=> reward which inspires me to try step B => reward which inspires me to try step C, but the longer I wait for reward, the more chance there is someone will dump additional tasks or additional steps into the process, and reward will never arrive. Step A => step B => steps 1-5 of a completely different and uninteresting but mandatory process => step C =>step D => step E => step F. => reward... but only maybe, if there's not another thing more vitally important, and besides the reward is probably going to someone who's already considered the good person for whatever reason (usually appearance or money).

And the reward I usually want is either praise (impossible if I've fucked up, or if I perceive or actually experience someone else always being valued above me), or time and energy for what does interest me (which now feels more and more squeezed out because I feel constantly expected to put in more and more work on what these adults and peers consider vital, *and* feel grateful for it).

Last night’s #drawing

#drawings last night

this town is coming like a ghost town
(why must the youth fight against themself?
government leaving the youth on the shelf)
this place is coming like a ghost town
(no job to be found in this country)
can't go on no more
(people getting angry)
YAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAAAA

so I saw this WWII poster with a giant worker and tiny ships and tanks, and just wasted way too much time on the below shitpost;

Ridiculously nice things! The print is by Shimi and the cup is from Erin Middendorf (still noticing details of it).

This synagogue I've been trying out describes themselves as "Meditative Judaism" (they are, actually), and can loosely be described as Reform. I grew up with fairly orthodox Judaism, but for a while there I wanted to become a monk.So ironically, meditating in schul is familiar and comforting but chorus with musical instruments singing in English scandalizes me (most congregants are older and I figure if they can handle the latter, I can suck it up).

you know, as regards AI as a disability aid?

I draw with the hand I had to relearn using.

Haolong?
not long
cause what you reap
is what you sew
#ungh #shit

papparashi, journalists who chase after Talmudic scholars

so there's at most four worldwide

https://youtu.be/X6FA-15_aGQ

ha HA! parry 3, cut to 5, retreat upwards up steps, beat to 4, lunge, flash rakish smile

I COULD BE A GIRL
SHE COULD BE ME
I DON'T EVEN CARE
WE COULD BE ALL FREE

https://youtu.be/ayWpN3EHXqY