Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

As part of getting older, I want to accept that I won’t need to storm the gates of Heaven and be remembered for decades, to have made a difference in my life. And I want to accept too that something will take me out and it probably won’t be quick or painless. But the idea that I’ll be one of the personally unremembered millions who die of disease, exposure or purposeful genocide, still makes me pucker.

The only more positive outcome I can imagine is if there’s some sort of huge change in consciousness- say among Millennials or younger outnumbering a declining number of ancient obstructionists. And even then that too is a miracle of sorts.

I certainly don’t think anything that would drive real change will be something *I’ll* survive, though of course everyone wants to survive and thrive.

The Democrats won’t really challenge anything unless there’s campaign reform, which’d ensure them needing to rely on votes. Beyond that change will take people dying to slam into public consciousness. From health/climate change/gun control/labor/race issues which are obviously resolvable or while protesting... and then *if* the media allows the horrors to be big stories.

But who wants to be assured death protesting especially if the media conveniently turns away?

Re last boost; called it in, which won’t do a damn thing because Democrats. I really wish my political opinion wasn’t informed by hopelessness. Living with this political and economic inequality has always been like living with cancer, but under 45 every month is like finding it’s metastasized to a new location.

Mmm, “turkey bacon chocolate cake.” My favorite treat at Starbucks!

I am conscious in an airport; I don't even know whether it's LA or Seattle, just that I bought a ticket and left. It turns out to be Seattle. Somehow I find one of my friends outside the airport, ask if I can sleep on their couch for a few days and call my agency to bail on my current job. And then for some reason my entire old gaming group has met up (which makes even less sense). When I'm not playing Pathfinder with them I'm crying.

Gee thanks subconscious THAT was subtle.

I guess given that there really aren't balaenocetes on e621 I shouldn't be surprised there's no "odontocete" tag.

yay, turns out that my guess was right, that I did need to do more to start this next temp job, and it's MORE PAPERWORK.

The sheer amount of paperwork I've ground through for a job that hasn't paid me a cent yet, makes me cranky and bitter.

I’m worst at what I do best,
And for this gift I feel blessed!
Our little group has always been,
And always will until the end.
#songlyrics

I’m seriously thinking of taking tomorrow as a mental health day. My stay at this job has been grueling, the weekend never feels like enough, and my next temp gig starts Monday.

It’s amazing how, with literal Nazis running around, a disgusting parody of human life as president, and rents constantly rising, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos manage to inspire such utter hostility. Seriously these turkeys almost singlehandedly disqualify the whole idea that this is a meritocracy, and they make a more convincing case for violent revolution more than all the communists in the world. At least Bill Gates does philanthropy and tries to sound vaguely human in interviews.

By the way fuck the University of Fucking Georgia and how I apparently need to now jump through my anus on their order. Fuck them and fuck their shitty state.

Just want to go home and nap, draw, read my Forgotten Realms book.

But people at a park don’t perceive how much money gets generated; instead they perceive public stuff; hanging out with their kids, jogging, meeting a lightsaber practice group, making out etc.

The way Facebook, YouTube and Twitter especially work is very much like knowing your every movement in the park is used as a predictor and suddenly something’s being advertised. You’re suddenly keenly aware the space isn’t truly public and the way you’re being commodified is clumsy.

Again the Internet is this weird not quite public not quite private space, which gets weird as part of capitalism, focused on metrics to predict spending patterns and ads to influence them.

It’s like; the profitability of a park plays out in real estate prices nearby, immediate stuff like ice cream or weenies, related stuff that gets used in the park like bikes, weed, condoms etc.

Today I am working to correct a (single) inputting mistake I made in early April - including trying to step away from beating myself up about being an innately inept fuck-up with no future, whose death would be better for everyone etc.

Being more aware and trying to retain perspective is definitely progress, but I still feel wrecked. I definitely think the open office setting aggravates my issues and that working at NTS really pushed back my progress about catastrophizing.

So you know how I grew up around catastrophizing, where there just weren’t minor mistakes and everything could be punished disproportionately? And how that stacked badly with a disastrous childhood accident which had this implication of being “punished disproportionately”?

And how I spent 2017 in an abusive company which did a lot of catastrophizing?

And how I’ve been grinding on how there’s actually nuance to my world, for instance how not all mistakes are dire calamities?

Infected Mushroom and crummy sleep going in. Feel like I did better drawing a boundary for myself and defusing a bit of self hate.

Um #tmituesday anyone?