Sparrow 🐦 @Sparrow@awoo.space

Well. Conversation with roommate just now dredged up SO many childhood/early teen issues for me just now that I don't know what to do with myself.

Going to go to sleep, I think, and maybe start looking for therapy now that I have health care.

Which. By the way.

I HAVE HEALTHCARE NOW! Woo!

I also have been off my prosac (used to be on 50 mg/day) for 1 month now.

But I was bitter and resentful while I was taking prosac too, so I think this is more of a CBT/mindfulness problem than a chemical one.

Maybe I could try keeping a journal?

I use a mood-tracker app just to track overall patterns and shit, but it's not *expressive* the way a journal is.

I haven't had success at keeping a journal since I was 18-21 (when I was weirdly *super super* good at it) but I could give it another try.

I'm actually not bitchy, I'm bitter, which is worse (kinda) because I'm not expressing it- just swallowing it up.

I think I need to do a serious re-evaluation because I don't *like* being this bitter/grumpy all the time. *

(*it's not actually "all the time", but it's more often than I'd like. Usually at home, after a long day)

Today was hard, but I:

- Mostly kept up my low-carb meal plan (went a little sweet on a smoothie)
- Made a yummy smoothie for tonight and prepped chai tea chia pudding for breakfast
- Opened up about my stress with a friend and my mama, which *surprised* helped me feel a lot better
- Kept my spending low this past week
- Set a boundary about how long I'm willing to work late tomorrow
- Made specific plans to call healthcare options tomorrow

Goals:

By April 2018, I will:

- Have a regular doctor that I visit and get prescriptions from
- A summer job lined up
- Plans for a *full time, with benefits* job for the fall
- CBEST underway

I just feel gross and disappointed because I really wanted to enjoy and do well at it, but I'm already feeling burned out and I've only been working there for 3 months.

I'm feeling so depressed about healthcare, *my* state of health (/lack thereof), and how exhausting my job is.

I feel especially guilty because I just became a registered behavior therapist, and I'm already questioning this path because it's a) really tiring and hard on my physical health, and b) doesn't provide benefits at my 15 hours/week.

Oh yeah I forgot to share

I had a cute enby moment at Sprouts earlier tonight.

My cashier had a they/them pin, & I showed them my trans flag keychain. We talked about being cool & how ugh being "ma'amed" is.

I was so happy nervous I had butterflies ten minutes afterwards.

@SpaceBoyfriend@cybre.space Hi, followed because your gender description in your bio is fucking amazing.

Also hi I'm Sparrow. :3

And for dessert:

This weird nonsense!

Lookit me, livin' wild, mushrooms in my cocoa~ https://awoo.space/media/2R_N8uEcqwYQP5z3liU

Side dish:

Baby carrots! Hummus! Basic af!

(Sorry for the unsexy picture, I ate my plated version real fast)

Main dish: roasted cauliflower, oyster, & shiitake mushrooms

So I'm tryna keep my daily carb intake low because I'm diabetic and shit.

Anyway, lookit what I had for dinner tonight!

Kay, I met my fitness goals for the week. Now to convince my body it's bedtime, even though I just went for an extremely refreshing jog in 44 degree weather.

In the past two hours:
8 pm: 559 (highest BG since I was diagnosed, holy shit)
9 pm: 460 (still incredibly bad)
10 pm: 296 (STILL incredibly bad but okay, I can jog now)

Jsfc. Sorry Okinawa Boba Tea, but I think I''ll have to avoid you next time.

Lmao I subscribe to both Yoga With Adriene and Chris Fleming, and I almost clicked on Chris because I wasn't wearing my glasses and the Gayle getup is very Yoga Mom

Wow I went on reddit to read about how other Type 1 Diabetics handle losing healthcare, and

Oh god.

The state of healthcare in the U.S. is really, REALLY scary.
- 18 y/o "aged out" of health care in Texas
- One kid got fired from his job for "going to the doctor too much". He used vacation time to do pump training.
- That one report of a 26 year/old dying alone in his apartment because he ran out of insulin.

Just...

I think my goal is not to do a full-on keto diet, but to drastically reduce my carbs. Ideally I want to take the same amount of fast-acting (humalog) insulin/day as I do long-acting (lantus).

Right now I take 13 L/day. 13 H (at 1 H/ 12 grams carbs) comes out to 156 grams of carbs/day. Which is WAY less than I eat now, but enough that I can still reasonably cook vegetarian meals around.