Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

"You're gonna see the credits roll. Then there's gonna be 30 seconds of black silence. Then you're gonna see the pee tape." -- Anthy, re: the final episode of "Drumpf!"

*now with free bonus context!

On top of everything else, the news about my brothers is redlining all my phobias about mortality. I already worry, literally every day, about dying young and leaving people like Peg and my mom to fend for themselves.

It puts this weird pressure on me of "okay, if my stepbrother is in mortal peril, I DEFINITELY am not allowed to die." And let's face it, I have never been a real fit person. My dad dying young-- younger than I am now-- from heart problems fucked me up pretty good. And now my stepbrother is fixing to leave us at about the same age Dad was, and it's just... a lot.

I shouldn't start mourning for Matt just yet. We haven't even gotten a formal diagnosis. Though I have something terrible to confess: I had already mourned for my stepdad before he pulled off his miracle and puled through for us all. And I'm glad I did. It made everything feel like a gift after he made it.

I don't know. Matt's from exactly the same stock. His dad and grandpa have both survived some real shit, and his grandma didn't go easy. Maybe he'll be okay. Maybe there'll be someone there for my mom when my stepdad's gone, after all. Maybe I won't have to drag Peg all the way to god-forsaken Ohio someday to watch me do Dutiful Italian Son things.

Maybe I'll be lucky if I make it that long. But fuck, I've been convinced I would be dead within a year since I was... hmmm... around 12? I swore when I turned 40 I would give myself the present of just not sweating this stuff anymore, but... every time my heart skips a beat or I don't pee right or my back seizes or whatever, I remember that shit HAS to start going wrong eventually.

And sometimes it just all breaks, right out of the blue, and if you're lucky you get enough time to say goodbye. And I'm just now realizing I haven't ever really lost anyone my own age, and I just want to punch a god in the nuts right now because this can't possibly be how being a human being works.

I was a fool to run away. I'm just gonna swallow my pride and say it.

The cis slurs -- and YES, they were clearly slurs in this case, they were literally making a pun off "cistern" and comparing cis people to toilets -- got to me, and they will probably continue to get to me.

But that's not any of your faults. None of you have ever been a problem -- it's just what I get when I wander into any _other_ Masto neighborhood. I don't think I can endure the next few months without y'all.

I do really need to cut down radically on my social media stuff, though. It doesn't feel... good anymore.

But anyway. You were basically amazing with the outpouring of support today. I'll keep you up to date on my stepbrother's condition. We really don't know that much yet, and right now I'm just trying to figure out what my job is right now, emotionally and in terms of what the fuck I can do for my family.

I'm overwhelmed, but I'm grateful you're here. I will probably still be really quiet here for a while unless I need commiseration, and I apologize if I am (if I remain?) a net drain on people's emotional resources. Better days are ahead, surely?

@mawr Oh shit. Been there, Mawr, I'm so sorry.

@Balina You should be receiving your special venom-safe kevlar manticore-petting gloves, along with a VIP pass and your honorary Martian citizenship papers, within 10-12 weeks. <3

@001zlnv Most likely. ^___^ This isn't goodbye-goodbye, just need to go take a little hermitage and figure some stuff out... <3

@Balina I'll be back! My friends here ain't generally the problem, but the culture here in my neighborhood of Masto is turning ugly in a way I can no longer deny. I don't feel like I can be totally safe and respected here unless I pretend to be things I'm not too sure I am.

At the least, I need some time out of The Radical Queerpol Bubble so I can figure out who the hell I _actually_ am. I don't think I can do that here, no matter how well-meaning the pressure to be Not A Mere Cis Dude is...

Yeah, after three more toots from friends-of-friends making really low attacks on cis people... I think I'm ready to take that social media break I was talking about.

This account will still take DMs. I might post occasionally. But heartwise, my bags are basically packed. I don't belong here like I used to, nor like some of you have generously insisted I do.

Bye. Sorry none of this worked.

I was about to make a joke about a "white-goo" scenario, but then I remembered just how many vulpines watch this account, and I didn't wanna get y'all all excited. =^___~=

Okay, so I guess "When The Yogurt Took Over" is basically Greg Bear's "Milk Music?" ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_Music_(novel) )

Fuuuuuck. Our new place in NOLA is a ten-block walk away from Louis Armstrong's birthplace.

@Leucrotta @Troodon@occult.camp "You are listing my broken dreams..."</fat_tony>

Kenneth Parcell from 30 Rock checks into Room #1408 of the Dolphin Hotel...

@Leucrotta @Xinjinmeng@mastodon.social @Fenchurch Peg suggests "some cruel English fairy, anything that looks like it belongs in a Froud book."

@kelseyhusky *weak grin* Hey, I tried... I think I may have failed miserably, but I did my part! n.n;

*maniacal cackling* They've discovered our plan, but it's far, far too late...

https://boingboing.net/2019/03/28/conservative-commentator-tran.html

@anthracite Ask for something funny, like "a bag of four grapes." That way, you'll get MY household gods in on it too...

Once again, I have marshaled that bewildered contraption of eggbeater parts, bubblegum, and spit that passes for my brain into completing a full day of work.

I'd make some snide comment about being ready to run off into the woods and eat grubs, or something, because that brain-ish device I mentioned is exhausted with adulting. But I've already got a far better plan: running off into the swamp with Anthy and eating crawdads.

@anthracite You can't deny it's got huge MP recovery bonus, though, compared to Seattle. You said it yourself! And I've been thinking of picking up some magic-user levels after I get that Manticore upgrade...