Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

Please just understand that I don't want anything but company and reassurance right now. Nobody else is expected to come in and just fix this. Nobody is expected to radically change their behavior.

I just need a place where I can talk out loud about this stuff. Having it all just echo around in my head by itself is scary.

These words, and Peggy, are basically all I feel like I have left. Losing more family ain't helping.

Thank you for those who have borne with me here.

I miss everybody. I honestly don't know what more I can do to fix things, from this state of low energy.

Trying to get back into therapy is turning into a bureaucratic clusterfuck and a painful reminder of class issues, and it's not helping that it seems to be people's first and only answer for dealing with these things.

And honestly, I've only had one therapist who's ever really been worth a damn. Not sure therapy is really good for my anarchist sensibilities. >_<

There's only so much I can do to make depression, verbal self-evisceration, and crushing separation anxiety interesting.

I know what happens to people who get on this cycle. I lived it all through college, and more importantly, I watched Daria.

I don't want to become the Misery Chick. Or more likely, given my utter resignation on gender issues, the Misery Dude. Or as I slowly, sadly drift away from you all on uspol, the Misery Shitlord.

#SamplesRepresentActualMoods

#ButAreNotActualSize

Meanwhile, I guess I'm just back on my bullshit. Been brooding about death in general and the world's willingness to give good people a Bad End out of nowhere for no real reason. And shitheads like me, out of somewhere, because we've fucked up so many times.

Despite fine efforts on other people's part, I'm still picking myself apart over old guilt. That's probably just gonna happen for a while, and is probably healthy in the long run. Guess I needed it. *shrug*

Finally heard from home. Turned out mom had been one digit off on my cousin's cell #.

My uncle had an aortic aneurysm which burst during surgery. He did not want a service. He will be cremated as per his wishes and scattered at the pond in Quebec where he and my granddad used to fish.

I'm okayish. Mom's slightly okayish so far, just really stunned. Cousin's going to be okayish. I will probably remain in Seattle though I'm gonna offer to come home if Mom needs me.

I really wish we could revive the old Discordian insult, "minion of Greyface." It sums up so many of the things that make me wary of people, in such a tidy little mythical package.

http://discordia.wikia.com/wiki/Greyface

http://discordia.wikia.com/wiki/Curse_of_Greyface

Basically okay. Thinking yeah, it was a real good idea to get my other emotional cloggery dealt with, and that went all right.

Still haven't heard anything back from Mom. We don't even know yet what happened to him. Popped her a note of support and am gonna spend the rest of the evening as normally as possible. Having some work hours due will help.

Thank you all again.

One step down, the biggest one. That was easier than I thought, and yeah, it does feel a lot better.

...she's not really involved directly in the things that were already upsetting me. I might need to get a lot of personal baggage about myself and my social circle sorted really fast, because if I have to deal with that on top of everything else... nothing good is going to come of it for anyone, including some family who really needs the best version of me around right now.

I need a lot of help patching up a lot of stuff, fast.

My Uncle Bob just died. I just got the phone call. Mom was wrecked.

I was already in bad shape over other stuff. Bob and I weren't super-close, and as far as that goes I'm okay. It's still hitting. But it's devastating my mom and stepdad, and I might have to be spending a lot of emotional resources on other people's sanity.

I don't have those resources right now. I don't know where to turn for help regaining them. Peg is doing all she can, but...

Aaaand... that would be a mood crash.

It was coming. I spent most of today stress-eating, running away from opportunities for social contact, sleeping, and trying to stuff down emotions better suited to another stage of my life.

Everything else just piles up and falls apart under the sense of futility and inadequacy. I feel like it's my moral obligation to go hide until Things Are OK & I'm OK, but every time I think there's progress it's an illusion.

I'm so bored & tired.

Hey, @Momentrabbit​?

She's home. <3 Pics soon as I get my desk presentable again. :)

#AntlerMom #jackalopes #questcompletion

https://awoo.space/media/KmbU8yXZX9Sivh4smII

source: Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_

So, apparently Oblivaeon will be out very soon...

...and he has 10,000 HP. That is not, as they repeatedly emphasize in their preview materials, a typo.

I'm really looking forward to this expansion.