Self Doubt, Memory [1/2]
Tonight I watched an actor I adore and have seen many times before in a film I didn't expect to see him in. I remember looking at him and thinking he looked familiar... but I didn't get that it was him until the credits rolled.
...I think I might have some form of face blindness? 'cause this happens a LOT to me, even with people I know well. I always feel awful about it.
This opened me up to thinking about my memory and how terrible it is; something I think about a lot.
Self Doubt, Memory [2/3]
I've always had a bad memory for recalling things on my own. I forget names of people I see and talk to every day; I forget words -- and not weird words like antidisestablishmentarianism or cantankerous, but really basic words like fire or bread.
I can't remember major life events until someone can remind me of their contents; then they start coming back.
I'm so frequently embarrassed by my memory that I'll often pretend to remember things I don't. >..<
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
I've been in a handful of really emotionally abusive relationships over the course of my life, and in most of them, I've been gaslit pretty badly. I'm very susceptible to gaslighting because of my awful memory... and I have a theory that the gaslighting I've been subjected to has caused me not to trust what I _do_ remember.
I don't know what to do about this. I've been through brain function tests with no memory anomalies... could it just be psychosomatic?!
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@starkatt Reminding as requested-- I'd really like to hear what you have to say on this topic. ♥️
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr So I actually don't have a ton more to say but basically like... yeah, dissociation is really bad for biographical memory. In the first place it fucks with memory formation, but depending on what exact flavor of stuff is going on it can also make retrieval not work great either.
Memory/Dissociation
@mawr I figured out the other day that there was some actions of mine not that long ago that I literally did not remember because of dissociation. I had events on either side, but not the middle.
Memory/Dissociation
@starkatt I never really understood what dissociation meant until a year or so ago when I finally looked it up and realized it's a thing that happens to me more often than I'm comfortable admitting. :x
Memory/Dissociation
@mawr @starkatt *looks up* ... oh. huh. uh... yeah.
I know I've had a depressive disorder my entire life; there wasn't anything particularly traumatic about my childhood, but it's possible that I developed dissociative habits in attempting to cope with the depression. now that my depression is mostly in remission, I don't have as many episodes of it as I used to...
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr have you mentioned this to a therapist? I have a feeling they would know how to address this.
@Daxarhagron I've brought it up with several, yeah. That's what resulted in the brain function test.
@mawr Ahh gotcha, hope you can find someone who delves into it rather than defaulting to a test immediately.
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr this is extremely relatable :/ i have a lot of the same issues re: last gaslighting leading my to distrust my own memories. I don't remember a lot of things i should, and also end up pretending to remember things a LOT.
I end up worrying a lot about the possibility of having false memories, and honestly would have no idea if i had them or not.
I definitely offer you a lot of hugs and solidarity. I'm right there with you
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr I don't really know what to do about it either. I have to trust the importance of the memories that i do have, because they matter to my internal self, false or no. Aside from that i try to drop things like grudges and minimize situations like that where memory might lead me to make judgement calls.
It's difficult..
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@Oneironott Thank you, hon. It's at least good to know that a lot of these things aren't unique, y'know? :x
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr @Oneironott I dunno if I'm glad to not be alone, or sorry other people have these problems too D:
fuck, I wanna just give both of you the biggest hugs right now D:
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@Draekos @Oneironott @mawr I can't say it's due to gaslighting but I have a pretty bad memory too due to (I think) some mental-breakdown stuff a few years ago. So I know something of how you feel :x
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr ohmygosh, I have such memory problems. I specifically have difficulty with context: I'll know I've seen a person's face before, but can't remember where or when; I'll recognize a name, but can't attach a face or any particular memory to it. and I have a bunch of "false memories", some back in childhood, that I have no idea if they're real or not--some I know for sure aren't, but parse *exactly* like the "real" ones.
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr nowdays I have no ability to remember how long ago anything happened. unless I can attach a specific date to it, like "last Wednesday" or "November 1998," my brain insists it happened "sometime in the past, maybe last month, maybe last year, maybe a decade ago? idklol"
part of my fascination with narratives is that I'm constantly having to reconstruct my own memories by making up narratives, of "first x happened, then y, that led to z..."
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr fwiw afaik none of my memory problems are specifically related to trauma, though I've had my share of abusive relationships and gaslighting attempts--I'm actually pretty resistant to gaslighting *because* of my bad memory; if I want to remember something I'll often write it down, and when gaslit about it later be like "no... see, here's where/when that happened..." :P
@green This is extremely relatable. :x
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr Oh man, I know those feels. I can't even begin to describe how much not being able to trust your own feelings and memories hurts. >.< *hugs tight* Zoe's helping me, but it's a long goddamned road to go down. Definitely the core of GAD as far as I'm concerned.
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr Remind me to talk about this tomorrow/soon because it's my bedtime now but: dissociation does really bad things to memory.