Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

well he never reads and he never fucks
and he never leaves, 'cause he's got bad luck yeaaaaah
I'm a STAIN!
I'm a STAIN!
I'm a STAIN!
I'm a STAIN!

oWo bwains

screeeeeeee
even in his youth even in his youth even in his youth he was NOTHING
kept his body clean kept his body clean kept his body clean goin' NOWHERE
daddy was ashamed daddy was ashamed daddy was ashamed he was NOTHING
disgrace the family name disgrace the family name disgrace the family name he was SOMETHING

leave the check before you're through
I've got nothing left to prove
if I die before I wake
hope I don't come back again
INSTRUMENTAL!

How has this only been four hours, I’ve had acid trips which were shorter.

more weekend shitposts;

"The existence of 'strategic cheese reserves' suggests the counterpart of strategic cheese is *tactical* cheese, in either gunmetal or MARPAT."
"... with rails."

Today’s #drawings though are all cranking out rough gunk. You can probably tell I spent the weekend in the woods with furries, reading the Pathfinder Book of the Dead.

A fairly tight #drawing from Thursday, Howling Banshee aspect warriors attacking the Mon-Keigh.

Apparently what I really wanted to draw today is Thin People With Real Spindly Limbs. Beats me, maaaan.

Werewolf the For the Last Time Stop Thinking the Get of Fenris Ahroun is Hot that's a Litany Violation

A batch of stuff happened this weekend, I'm still processing it, and somehow I haven't entirely yet synthesized those thoughts with "it's getting hot and maybe I should get out of the chair, shower and head somewhere with both air conditioning and better coffee."

honestly I'm right back at how we need to differentiate the concept of "monster" as "awesome looking creature and that's REALLY GOOD" from "consistently harmful person, and that's not so good."

I mean if we're not running with the AD&D "a monster is anything you run into which might oppose you," which is probably pretty telling about the late Mr. Gygax's worldview in ways I would far rather not think about.

I'm old enough that when I was a kid there was this amazing thing, a manual typewriter. One of the things about these all-analog things was that if you hit keys close together, the blocks at the end of the levers, marking the paper could get stuck together; you'd get this clump of metal keys to gently pry apart.

I've been thinking about how manual typewriters can get fucked up, as an analogy about the "emotional refractory period" suggested by Paul Ekman, where being able to change my emotional response is basically a function of time (and I guess my neurons clearing the last batch of chemicals etc) thanks to both intensity and frequency of stimuli.

A single really shitty action, even an intense one, means it's easy to step back my emotions. But a batch of stuff to deal with all at once can wreck me, even if it's low intensity. In fact especially if it's low intensity because I'm less likely to notice I'm headed for feeling crappy.

That definitely matches my observation about abuse, where it's not like the really big horrible shit happened all the time, but smaller horrible shit or just simply hypervigilance happened all the time. I don't need to get into fistfights with halfbacks every day in 9th grade to be traumatized by this; all I need is the occasional bullying to happen, and spending the rest of 9th grade half-expecting it, made worse by say, crap sleep, not enough food, just simply the constant low key stimulus of being trapped in high school where the only other place I might go is back to my parents' house. (Now I am realizing that this is also biased by growing up with catastrophizing, that obviously something that fucks me up has to be COMPLETELY TERRIBLE AND AWFUL and not just a whole batch of just kinda bad experience.)

I'm thinking about this now because this weekend really *really* re-iterated one of the first, biggest things I learned on psychadelics, where experienced reality is a lot more about perception than some unwavering truth the external world possesses (and perception can be hugely internalized thought process as well as stimuli coming in). So right now the world is cranking along at the normal pace; back alongside the river, out in the woods exists, so does my old job with it's CONSTANT INCREDIBLY URGENT NEED TO RUSH ON THINGS AND WHY ISN'T IT PERFECT, and a few blocks over, at Shari's, people are shoveling hash browns into their mouth and experiencing an almost completely different reality than the people working the grill.

Heck, just typing this out I realized there could be far more amazing and wonderful realities going on which I'm not experiencing nor conceptualizing because I'm *from* this place of there being no future, no hope.

Reality is perception, and if I'm calm enough it's possible to go okay, my perception's fuxx0red, I can step back. Just when I'm so completely caught up in a batch of (mostly or entirely low intensity) upset, I'm not going to have the wherewithal to take that important "perception's fuxx0red" step.

ooooorgh why did I say yes to seeing my folks tomorrow WHY

Tintin et les Incroyables Stereotypes Racistes

more weekend shitposts, transcribed for your reading pleasure

"Shit, I got water on my book about the Navy!"

I found myself faced with wilderness survival tasks (put up/take down a tent, build fires, chop firewood, use Coleman stove, use rudimentary latrine), which I was anywhere from terrible to good at thanks to unfamiliarity, alongside *very* competent people.

I found that when low on blood sugar (and sleep's been only okay this weekend), and combined with some of the usual sources of self-hate (body image, intelligence as accomplishment) I can really beat myself up/get fear twinges about being judged even while in what's clearly a safe space with clearly safe people. This is also a bad time self-doubt wise thanks to my very recent job's "well you make too many mistakes which take too much time to correct" accusation.

There were also a couple of immense ego boosts in terms of my ability, this weekend.

I put all this together and come out of it noticing more the perfect-or-nothing narrative about skills in my childhood, that there just wasn't an understanding of skills as developing over time. I'm now thinking that if a skill's necessary (driving) or meaningful (drawing) enough to me, I simply force through the whole gifted class/gym class/math "well you SUCK at it now as a complete n00b and therefore should NEVER TOUCH THIS AGAIN," so I'm still not good at accepting skills as cumulative.

also I *will* block rightwingers immediately. Here and on Twitter. I have nothing polite to say to people who want to kill and destroy everything and everyone I value. I have no interest in saying anything or sharing artwork that might amuse them.

«Повар? Что это такое?»

«Туполев, выисокмерныи отсель! Ты НАС убит!»
#MovieQuotes #huntforredoctober

«Капитан ворошитесь Американцы !»

«Вы будет получить Ордера Ленина за этом, Товарищ Капитан!»

#MovieQuotes #huntforredoctober

* heavy fake accent *
CATERPEEELAR DRIVE
TOVARISCH KAPITAN
* massive Basil Poledouris music *