imposter.
The rain is falling
I am both appreciative of and a bit intimidated by the folks around me. I don't have the big words on concepts that they do. I do not know the philosophy or Sciences. I believe that I would have, had I not strayed so far from myself in my early life. These folks have contributed so much and are working on so much, and I barely know what I am doing these days. Struggling to keep my orthocosmic body ticking?
crisis
The real admission here is that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I went to school to be a developer, after "solving" my dilemma of what I wanted to do with my life. Art or technology. Writing or development. Part of what I have been going through recently has been a complete crisis insofar as the direction of my life.
crisis
The reality being that I didn't solve anything. I just said "I'll get more out of going to school for software. I can always write in my spare time"
And then what little attention I could focus on things was spent on school and no projects and now a job.
And I haven't written anything.
And I know that I won't
Or I will struggle…
crisis
It all seems like another thing that's not fair.
About the lives we -must- lead to survive.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
And I feel like it's too late…
And so many things that I've valued doing… MUCKS, role-play… it's all largely in the past.
And I can't seem to even get a job doing what i went to school for.
crisis
So where does that leave me?
with the same question.
what do I do with my life?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Survive?
Maybe I was never someone who would get the benefit of knowing. Maybe all I can do in this world stare at the window
and dream…
crisis
… because everything else hurts too much. Everything else feels like compromise. Everything else makes me want to scream.
I'M NOT FROM HERE.
I DON'T KNOW THIS PLACE. AND THESE BARRIERS AND RULES.
WHERE IS THE NET. I just want to do what i love AND NOT DIE IN POVERTY FOR IT.
crisis
Somehow it all comes down to that.
It always seems to come down to that.
That I'm not human.
That I'm not from here.
That I don't understand these rules
and I don't understand this game
And everything always seems wrong
So terribly, terribly wrong
crisis
In a society I was never supposed to be a part of
on the world I was never supposed to be on
and a body I was never supposed to be in
dreaming of what should have been
and crying
and surviving
imposter.
@Oneironott Everyone started somewhere, dear. Everyone felt like that at one point. Some of us still do sometime. And even so, you, what you say, what you do, how you think? You inspire me. I wish I could talk so forthrightly and openly and passionately about this all myself.
@Oneironott *sends hugs*
This world is crap, I know. But there are a lot of people working to make it not-crap, so that whether you were supposed to be here or not you can at least be comfortable and do what you like... hopefully, that will be coming soon.
crisis
@Oneironott it isn't too late. I have also spent far too much of my life doing what I had to, surviving... but the other things, the worthwhile things, are still here. they will wait for you. I promise. *sends gentle hug thoughts*
crisis
@Oneironott I picked tech. It was the wrong choice. But only because I made the wrong choice am I going to be given the option to exercise the right one with any degree of freedom, and that non-dualism is important. They're all the right choices, because they all bring part of us out that is important.
I'm amazed and impressed by your continued willingness to strive. You're doing good work. I see you and I'm proud of you.
crisis
@literorrery thank you… it means so much to hear
imposter.
@Oneironott Just remember, you can always learn.
imposter.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I've only just started following the path that I should have been on years ago. There is so much I don't know but there is folks can teach me.