-> @oneironott@vulpine.club @Oneironott@awoo.space

As it turns out, @emanate is incredibly tactile and i just… am still speechess at what just happened, and i don't have the words.

Long story short i feel/felt my phantom webs and tail more vividly than i ever have. It felt REAL asside from the fact that it wasnt there. No exaggeration.
And its still here as im drifting off and just
I'm in awe. I didnt know that this level of feeling was possible.

Anyway I cried a little and am still really emotional and in awe.

Walking around the city and seeing so much casually accepted queerness is amazing. Not getting stared at wherever i go is amazing. Being able to present as Me without this stares and awkward conversation breaks or stress is amazing

I get that I'm seeing it from someone visiting. But… its nice. I'm not… I'm not afraid here

I feared i was blowing this out of proportion and putting this tribe, city, and everything on a pedestal but now that I'm here experiencing it i see it realistically and I'm… yup still very much in love with this place and this community.

First day was quiet recovery followed by spontaneously fucking raving in a warehouse with @KawaSeadrake and @starkatt
This trip is amazing so far and everything has been IMMENSELY fluid. It feels like I've known everyone for so so many years and I'm returning home.
It has made me emotional how many folks have said "welcome home" and i just… gods.

Day 0 (yesterday) i flew out. It was smooth but long. I surprised @emanate with this picture drawn by my good local friend Blu. We kissed a lot. It was mostly kissing. I can't stop kissing this bird.
https://awoo.space/media/NuE_4oT2mcImh1IVF60

Planning myself loose schedule out and it feels like it's half dates so far
I think i can be assured I'm getting the Poly Seattle experience lol

A year ago I never thought I'd know beings like this, let along be one. and be traveling so far out to see them. To leave the glamour at the door and relax...
... and start to see what my life could be like in half a year or so.

What an otherworldly feeling. All of this combined. It seems like only yesterday I mingled in with such folks and started to see myself for the first time in over a decade. only yesterday that I felt my world view gradually shifting.

The closer this gets, the more surreal it feels. The furthest west I've ever gone has been barely far at all (chicago).
This past year and so have been wilder than I ever imagined possible, and here I am hiking it up there for a trip. So many things are lining up to happen during that time that it feels surreal that all of this is actually happening and so far hasn't hit any snags.

There's just this growing frustration there of like "yeah, they wouldn't go that to you and you wouldn't do that to others do you assume others wouldn't do that to me"

But like
It doesn't work the way
And you're better most people
Ugh

I am getting irritated at the number of cis people that, upon hearing that i want to move to Seattle, get this really skeptical "well it's really expensive and too many people are moving there and"

It highlights this gap of like… a lot of my cis friends here are wonderful, but don't understand what it's like to be trans in Cleveland. Many times when i end up expressing my worries (re: flying Friday for example) i get this dismissive "they/people wouldn't do that"

What do you do when you'll never look how you are on the inside?
What do you do when the dissonance keeps pushing you to forget, and to not feel it like I would feel if it were tangible.

What do you do when you look at your body and realize
that you will die like this
and there's nothing you can do.

Do I even know how to let go?
do I even know how to not be so human..?
How long have I waded in poison for me
and how much longer do I have to?

I read this comic about dysphoria that had a positive ending of like... "keep at it and you'll be who you see inside"

It honestly just made me start crying.