Soreth @Soreth@awoo.space

So one of the things I did at therapy was ask straight out, "Am I traumatized by my experiences?" and she nodded and dug out the DSM and we ran through it. She had been treating me as someone with at least borderline ptsd since I started coming in, but we went down the checklist today.

Yeah, I have a pretty significant number of symptoms. Like, a lot. I didn't really want to think of myself as being hurt that bad, but I was. Am.

And the panic stuff?

Now THAT was an excellent concert!

Oh my friends, I am sorry for the terrible day we are all having. Let's hope for tomorrow.

And in eight hours I have to get up to go back in.

So that was about six and a half hours spent on a support call. It was quite apparent for most of that call that it was not actually an issue with the product I support.

This is hell. I'm only now eating dinner, my pills for the evening are five hours out of time, so my hormones are out of whack, and I nearly got locked in a stairwell on my way out the building.

There's still 24 hours left to get your name on Mars:

https://mars.jpl.nasa.gov/participate/send-your-name/insight/

Got a flu shot today. The form asked gender and had you circle M or F. I didn't circle either and everything happened just fine.

Oh yeah, almost forgot to end it with:

Girls!

And now I'm thinking, "Yeah, girls are pretty awesome, and I'm in a relationship with a girl, and if someone called us a pair of lesbians I'd be kind of flattered while also flustered".

Guys can still be pretty hot, but that attraction has gotten a lot more complicated in a lot of ways. It was ALWAYS complicated, and I'm starting to realize that a lot of my "gay" hangups were, well, because I wasn't really a guy.

I can also remember having a strong "No, that's not right" reaction when doing RP scenes online in partial girlmode with another girl and having it described as a lesbian scene. I think I was forbidding myself from acknowledging that there was something to all this roleplay-as-feminine stuff, because clearly I was "a guy".

In the same way that I obviously was "straight" because I liked girls growing up and therefore couldn't be into guys.

As a teen/young person, I used to find the supposed allure of the lesbian a huge turn-off; contrary to other young louts in my approximate age bracket, I recognized that they wouldn't want anything to do with me sexually and so there wasn't any point in chasing that particular forbidden fruit. It was like a signpost, proclaiming "You're not welcome here, this is not for you".

...I seem to be liking it a bit more these days, for somewhat obvious reasons.

Okay, is there something about being trans and getting the urge to re-invent a divination method? I'm staring at the Tarot and thinking "Goddamn could you use some work."

AND I KNOW PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS.

Also my nose will now run forever.

20-something minute bike ride and it feels like my tonsils are frozen solid. Air is too cold, need heating please.