Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

@SangriaSnake I mean, it was Franz Kafka, so it was actually holding together surprisingly well—kinda like the other night when I decided to watch John Wick 3 at 16x speed. XD

Today on Stupid Tiger Tricks, see Empress Derpycat get three chapters through an audiobook before they notice they left iTunes on shuffle...

@anthracite Li'l ainjil. *winds up and aims* 😻​

@Phorm I lost SO MUCH CASH betting on the Rottens. I really thought they had a couple of those for sure. I'm pretty sure those refs got paid off in pick-i-nick baskets. >_<

@Phorm That guy? No, you don't have to worry about them. I know a guy at Warehouse 23, and there's a rumor going around that... well... you know that whole "THIS IS NOT A PLACE OF HONOR" project? The place where they're hiding all that "nuclear waste?"

Yeah. There's contamination and then there's contamination. Yabble-fuckin-dabble. >__<

@Phorm I like the way you think. I'll see if I can get you a group discount from Acme. You can call the episode "The No-Face Space Chase!" It sounds hilarious, honestly.

And buck up, genie. It could be worse. They could have an Orbitty. *shudder* Or a Snarf.

@Phorm Afterthought...

Wait, you're in space?! There's no reason for you to be in space.

(*sees your costume—orbit rings, radio-antenna, galaxy-smoke, "mask," and all—and nosebleeds* OK, I was wrong, there is EVERY reason for you to be In Space. @anthracite? I NEED YOU TO DRAW SOMETHING FOR ME, STAT... :O )

@Phorm I think those all sound like great ideas. You'll probably want to make sure there's a vegan option in the kitchen, by the way. Hippie comic relief can be surprisingly picky eaters these days. (Medibles are risky but can be super-fun if you're not angling for a TV Y-7.)

However, I'd recommend against using red herrings unless the animal mascot is a cat.) We're... kind of stupid that way. =>_>;= Or the smart one is Norwegian. They're... kind of stupid that way.

*cackles cynically and forwards your reply to the Acme Ballhood Company in anticipation of her commission*

@Phorm Just be careful, okay?! There's a REASON people don't do stuff like that. It's bound to attract bands of kooky teenaged adventurers and their talking animal friends.

If you absolutely insist on pursuing this, please, for the sake of your friends and those who care about you—PLAN YOUR TRAPS WELL IN ADVANCE, and DO NOT LET THEIR ADVENTURING PARTY SPLIT UP.

I know that contradicts everything we were taught in Villain School, but trust me: that's not just how the kooky ones get into chase scenes—a MAJOR hijinx hazard that can easily slip out of your control—it's how the clever one finds the clues. Capture and brainwash her FIRST if possible, else see if you can break her glasses. Do NOT capture and brainwash the ditzy blonde under any circumstances! SHE *WILL* FIRE ANY WAND YOU GIVE HER BACKWARDS.

And just in case you do get captured, get yourself a mask that absolutely can not be removed in the finale. O:)

Oh! I forgot to mention the dream I had last night. Dream write-ups are the ultimate "you had to be there," but trust me, this was a 10/10, one of the best I can remember.

I was in a transhumanist mall, FFS. It started off in a relatively ordinary mall, as a quest to find a Japanese coin-op game that had a particularly beautiful score, and an argument with the well-meaning but inept proprietor of the restaurant I found it in.

But the second time I went inside, the arcade had expanded in side by two orders of magnitude. And by the time I left it, the rest of the mall had turned into a hyperreal megacomplex full of bizarre glass architecture, mile-long skywalks with glowing people-movers, and *gorgeous* cyborg shoppers painted up in metallic enamels.

Unfortunately, the mall started suffering a existential-level hazard before I could get there. Entire parts of the simulation we were in were corrupting, and we were warned by the mall's "security physicist" that about 50% of us could be expected to "be turned into zeroes" before we could expect. I made some remark about preferring to be turned into a 5, wandered off to find the food court, and woke up.

It's funny, I kinda *feel* like a five today.

@001zlnv No phrenology was mentioned. :)

Oh lord, watching Mindhunter immediately after binging S1 of Life On Mars was a terrible idea. I had already finished watching the whole Sensitive Cop Fantasy play out with great skill and passion. Mindhunter wouldn't have stood a chance even if the script didn't play out like a tenth-grade essay on What Criminal Psychology Means To Me.

One thing I really didn't get: what was the obsession with making all the "old school" cops talk about how criminals were just plain born bad? Wouldn't the conventional moralistic position have been "people decide to commit crimes because they have chosen A Path Of Evil?" Isn't the whole fucking point of criminal psychology that some people have organic disorders that cause them to behave antisocially?

Anyhow, the whole thing felt like a mess to me—one put through a blender and served up on a spoon by someone who didn't think I could process anything harder.

Oh, and using "surveilling Yoko" as a deliberately weak-ass example of FBI misdeeds so we could keep empathizing with Our Hero—instead of, say, "relentlessly persecuting civil rights leaders" didn't win them any points either. What the hell do the critics see in this show?!

A note of reassurance, courtesy of Wikipedia:

@hummingrain I'm afraid we're fresh out of Emmentaler, sir.

*impish Michael Palin grin*

#TheCatsEatenIt

Aww. Apparently Martian cultural hero Montecore died in 2014.

I didn't even know he was sick! :(

(Montecore's the one who mauled Roy of Siegfried and Roy a bit during a performance. I make IC jokes about him being a Martian hero for rising up against the human oppressors.

But in reality—I might be biased here—the evidence was very strong that he was trying to protect Roy after an audience member spooked the poor cat. He just... kinda forgot that you can't nip a human and drag it away the same way you do a tough little tiger cub. That was Roy's stated opinion, and nobody knew Montecore better.

Regardless, Montecore was a good kitty and lived a good life after Roy's insistence that he not be put down nor harmed for the "attack." He lived to be 17, a ripe old age.)

@mmsword Okay. Okay, maybe.

But (a) you have to wait until October and (b) you have to make them in the shape of little vampire bats.

I, Rezeya Montecore-St-Hobbes, Arbiter Of Musubi, have spoken.

emoji are a virus from outer space

@hummingrain No, no, that's a common and reasonable misconception—but that particular branch of the Milk Hotel, being Swiss, is *politically* neutral. The milk is perfectly normal. And their Emmentaler is quite exceptional!

Fuck the aliens. Land on Europa.

@mawr Is this working?