Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

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Pretty sure I saw Shadow's Baby Daddy prowling around our little backyard. Orange and white tomcat, an Absolute Unit. If he's the one, yeah, i can see why Shemp is so much bigger than his mom and sis. Cute fella. Tried to make friendly noises at him and toss him a little food, but by time I got back from the kitchen he was across the factory lot behind us, darting under a truck.

Godspeed, you little Casanova. And thanks for the three more freakin' kittens probably. 😽​🖕​ No hard feelings, and if you ever want a place to Not Live with your girlfriend, we can open the negotations.

It also doesn't help that my current dominant inner narrative of what happened in Seattle is "well, number one, you weren't [young, cute, gay, colorful, fashionable, pagan, cheerful] enough to matter, once your usefulness to the community was exhausted..."

Have you ever been watching a mediocre Hollywood film and a scene lasted... way too long, and you find yourself about to scream "Cut to the next scene, already!" That's what life feels like right now. It's the eternal 10-minutes-of-Manos-driving-footage of the soul, and I'm just sitting here waiting for a plot point. I can't go back and there's not much to move on to.

Sorry if any of the above toot came off as callous. I'm just feeling a little cold and cut off today. I've been stressing myself out about the very likely event that when I finally do get out of New Orleans and spend a week or two at "home"... most of the things I originally fell in love with Seattle for will no longer be there, or will no longer exist for *me*... and I'm going to be putting a bunch of badly needed recuperation time into things that feel kinda distant and vestigial right now.

I still care about the people. When I get out there, I probably will break down and overextend myself like I always do. I'm just marveling at how different my life is now than it was then, and trying to find a silver lining in it. I miss the hell out of having any real sense of community with anybody. I miss the possibility of social connection and emotional intimacy. I don't miss the constant guessing games, heartbreaks, shyness bouts, and disappointments that got in the way of them.

I think I'm watching myself slough off some of my social development from the last 20 years, adapting to a life that's a lot like what it was in high school, mostly solitary give or take a couple of people. I'm not sure it's actually good for me, but it's good to ponder some of the hurt, and unreciprocated affection, and constant anxiety that I might finally get to leave behind.

I got hurt real bad in Seattle. That's complicated, because some people I really care about are still there, and then some more people that I would really care about if I had the faintest fucking idea where I stand with them. And I think for a moment I just found it comforting to think, "What if I just totally gave into this?" I still might, but I'd really like to find something better.

@Leucrotta And anybody who finds me can demand their £5. :D

It's nice to be able to sit here and take inventory of all the things I no longer have to give a shit about.

I may have built a small part of this circus. My name might still be on some of the rides, in cracked and peeling paint. But I've got no more monkeys to feed, and the only clown I have left to worry about is a pretty & reasonably lo-hijink dragon harlequin. She might perform occasional acts of glamour and illusion, but she almost never *honks*.

I get lonely sometimes but the quiet feels good, man. Maybe I'll swing by the big top incognito again one of these days. Just to make sure the lions are getting proper exercise. But I'm not gonna tell anyone who I am.

I'm sorely tempted to tell a maximum of three people when/if I visit Seattle.

My morale was about to hit rock bottom again...

...which means tonight was a real opportune time to have the best meal I've had in New Orleans(!). Ethiopian place down the road just started doing delivery. My mouth is on fire and I can't remember what I was sad about.

@kelseyhusky @mawr We're putting the "cyon" back in procyonid! *wags in hopes of getting food* =(^)_(^)=

@Leucrotta Actually I was thinking "huh, I could stand to see Captain Blood again and see how it's aged"...

@arilin There's just something so _comforting_ about musty old word books.

If you're interested in expanding your collection, I highly recommend The Synonym Finder. Best thesaurus I've ever had.

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/the-synonym-finder_ji-rodale/246312/

@mawr am ​ but felt was my birthright to have whatever dogs have 🤷​

@mawr

[​] *peers up distractedly from their workbench, where they are industriously mailing expired crawfish stuffed with rusty threepenny nails to the president*

"Huh? What? Hmmph."

*shrugs and returns to wrapping each little package in a used, frothy napkin*

@kistaro @OCRbot@fedi.lynnesbian.space

And then you have Chef Boyardee's offering, "lasagna adjacent to protein."

Or for the Homestar Runner fans out there: "Lasagna b/w Meat."

hurt mean people / break things / make scary noises / befriend monsters / get bellyrubs / eat everything / knock stuff off shelves / be endangered / die fat and happy

@mawr But... but... its home planet needed it! Now who will save them from Lord Plumbor?

still pondering the notion of suicide by cheesecake and hot wings tbh

i'm kidding but i'm not, you know? if it weren't for my parents and my stupid sexy dragon keeping me obliged to stick around...

i'm just so fucking bored and done with everyone's bullshit

Of fucking COURSE you're a LaVeyan Satanist. It was the only remaining personality trait that could have possibly made you more smug and annoying. Your identity jigsaw is now a fully assembled panorama of banal cliches.

@chimerror I have been known to refer to "taking one of those shits that has its own Act and Scene structure..."

@zx3 @Soreth @anthracite Laugh while you can, robot boy!

@Soreth @anthracite Well, don't tell us! We already know all these things! You've got to tell the world's great intellectuals and scholars, by which I mean, the Critical Shower Thoughts subreddit!