Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

@arilin [🐯​] I may be biased as, you know, a gigantic fucking tiger, but I have bad news about the scariness of your yawn. *tiny fearless scritch*

Just started watching Uncut Gems. I think most of my friends would probably be allergic to it since among other things it's really MALE, but wow, Adam Sandler really is killing it in a dramatic role here. And I don't know how I'm going to feel about the rest of the film, but the music direction is really hitting me so far, it's all ambient and whooshy and not at all what I expected in a neo-noir.

@sig (I spent all my brainmatter looking at Numberphile videos, but I am SO COMFORTED to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way. There is something rotten in Social Justice Land, and I don't want to leave, but damned if I don't feel like I'm gonna end up having to live as an outlaw here sooner or later...)

I had a lovely evening with Peggy, watching Midnight Gospel and Youtube videos about the sort of numbers that make theists out of mathematicians, and my sense of wonder has been momentarily restored. If John Conway could live with the boundless existential agony of never quite knowing why the Monster Group exists, I can deal with a little quarantine angst.

I suppose I owe people the consolation of knowing the above isn't targeted at anyone in particular, just at the general Federated Gestalt Mind, which can basically consider itself to have had a rock thrown at its moralistic callout pulpit.

I'm just tired of this place, tired of every other place, tired of my allies, tired of my enemies, and while not really tired at any of you lot as individuals, I'm just... tired. That popping sound you heard was just my fuse.

#moodsnapshot #stgroucho

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHash5takWU

No.

I have been eating healthy shit like kale and fish all week long, and tonight I have made a judicious and civilized decision to stuff my face with cheesy Tex-Mex crap.

And drink a little horchata spiked with a lot of gin.

@typhlosion I'm afraid I'm so old I'm from the "floating silver ball and no entertainment whatsoever because all we got is Dusty's Treehouse and eight hours of Pinwheel" era of Nickelodeon. n.n; The big orange splat was after my time!

@joshua [🐯​] If you happen by Mars, say hi! I promise I won't let the other Martian tigers eat you! Hell, we'll save you a fish. =^_^=

(SPOILER: the above is an alternate version of their postal mark... with a cute little face. This is wholly official.)

〠

Pretty sure I saw Shadow's Baby Daddy prowling around our little backyard. Orange and white tomcat, an Absolute Unit. If he's the one, yeah, i can see why Shemp is so much bigger than his mom and sis. Cute fella. Tried to make friendly noises at him and toss him a little food, but by time I got back from the kitchen he was across the factory lot behind us, darting under a truck.

Godspeed, you little Casanova. And thanks for the three more freakin' kittens probably. 😽​🖕​ No hard feelings, and if you ever want a place to Not Live with your girlfriend, we can open the negotations.

It also doesn't help that my current dominant inner narrative of what happened in Seattle is "well, number one, you weren't [young, cute, gay, colorful, fashionable, pagan, cheerful] enough to matter, once your usefulness to the community was exhausted..."

Have you ever been watching a mediocre Hollywood film and a scene lasted... way too long, and you find yourself about to scream "Cut to the next scene, already!" That's what life feels like right now. It's the eternal 10-minutes-of-Manos-driving-footage of the soul, and I'm just sitting here waiting for a plot point. I can't go back and there's not much to move on to.

Sorry if any of the above toot came off as callous. I'm just feeling a little cold and cut off today. I've been stressing myself out about the very likely event that when I finally do get out of New Orleans and spend a week or two at "home"... most of the things I originally fell in love with Seattle for will no longer be there, or will no longer exist for *me*... and I'm going to be putting a bunch of badly needed recuperation time into things that feel kinda distant and vestigial right now.

I still care about the people. When I get out there, I probably will break down and overextend myself like I always do. I'm just marveling at how different my life is now than it was then, and trying to find a silver lining in it. I miss the hell out of having any real sense of community with anybody. I miss the possibility of social connection and emotional intimacy. I don't miss the constant guessing games, heartbreaks, shyness bouts, and disappointments that got in the way of them.

I think I'm watching myself slough off some of my social development from the last 20 years, adapting to a life that's a lot like what it was in high school, mostly solitary give or take a couple of people. I'm not sure it's actually good for me, but it's good to ponder some of the hurt, and unreciprocated affection, and constant anxiety that I might finally get to leave behind.

I got hurt real bad in Seattle. That's complicated, because some people I really care about are still there, and then some more people that I would really care about if I had the faintest fucking idea where I stand with them. And I think for a moment I just found it comforting to think, "What if I just totally gave into this?" I still might, but I'd really like to find something better.

@Leucrotta And anybody who finds me can demand their £5. :D

It's nice to be able to sit here and take inventory of all the things I no longer have to give a shit about.

I may have built a small part of this circus. My name might still be on some of the rides, in cracked and peeling paint. But I've got no more monkeys to feed, and the only clown I have left to worry about is a pretty & reasonably lo-hijink dragon harlequin. She might perform occasional acts of glamour and illusion, but she almost never *honks*.

I get lonely sometimes but the quiet feels good, man. Maybe I'll swing by the big top incognito again one of these days. Just to make sure the lions are getting proper exercise. But I'm not gonna tell anyone who I am.

I'm sorely tempted to tell a maximum of three people when/if I visit Seattle.

My morale was about to hit rock bottom again...

...which means tonight was a real opportune time to have the best meal I've had in New Orleans(!). Ethiopian place down the road just started doing delivery. My mouth is on fire and I can't remember what I was sad about.

@kelseyhusky @mawr We're putting the "cyon" back in procyonid! *wags in hopes of getting food* =(^)_(^)=