Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

Loosely speaking, my life right now is all about "losing out on the safety of a mediocre amount of serotonin, in the pursuit of the joys of just a bit too much serotonin."

I miss the small regulated reserve of serotonin I had. It's really weird to go back to the flaky, twitchy state of mind I was in when last unmedicated *with the permission* of the only person who matters.

Short version: we finally pinned the slow death of my libido on my citalopram prescription and dammit I really missed not only fucking, but the imaginative drive I used to get from actually being able to feel anything at all from my kinks on an emotional level.

We'll see how it goes. For now, all I can say is we have our dealer showing up tomorrow, cannabis basically cures ALL the above issues and I'm still so angry it's not legal, it's much more effective when I'm off my other less actually helpful "meds", and I intend to enjoy the hell out of fucking Peggy in a dreamstate for as much of the weekend as possible, preferably in a headspace that's not "mine" vis a vis the human dullard on my driver's license.

Blocking Alexandra Erin (aka "smug orange hat lady who calls her followers 'babies'") was the smartest thing I've ever done on Twitter. It's a grand privilege and a joyous ceremony to block her again with each new account. She is the living avatar of everything I dislike about my own allies.

@LexYeen I mean, it's probably hot to someone who thinks the SNL sketch I was reacting to is really really edgy comedy. ;D

The total clogbrained inability of Normal People to look at a goth and tell the difference between "morbid self-hating depression" and "an affinity for dark romance" is all the justification goths ever needed for their own existence.

*flips through English-German dictionary for the "I miss you and want to say hi to you but I'm terrified if I do I'll find out you've since befriended every single person who hates me and I will be deservedly pelted with rotten garbage for all my past sins" entry*

@Soreth o/` Sad TERF! She's regretting her positions in life... o/`

<3 <3 <3

@001zlnv natch

my heaven will be:

* my ideal body, including scratchy feline claws
* a blackboard
* an antique victrola
* a wild man fischer 45
* a vuvuzela
* a copy of "sexing the body"
* a vocoder that makes me sound like Gilbert Gottfried
* a terf with sensitive hearing, sentenced to hell

@Austin_Dern do you just spin your ankles round and round sometimes just to squick people?

'cause i sure would :D

it's so brave of you to own us by playing that mediocre buggy game and ignore all of those valid social justice issues we raised about it

i wish you could see the ten minute standing ovation i am about to give you

in miniature

with both my middle fingers

Doing much better today, incidentally!

The short version is, a change has been made to my brain meds regimen, I didn't want to talk about it for Historical Reasons Pertaining To A Former Residence, and I was a right grumpy pain in the butt yesterday.

I got into a small tiff with Peg that neither of us wanted to be in, over the fact I couldn't find a safe low-stimulus place in the apartment to do my day job and wasted FOUR HOURS trying. My mood crashed due to the guilt and frustration at myself, and it just snowballed for most of the day.

But Peg handled it with CONSUMMATE draconic grace and patience, and ultimately just solved the problem by dragging me out and stuffing a much-needed pizza into my face. And today I feel fine.

@frameacloud I mean, I could invent scenarios where it could be manipulative if called upon to do so? My general rule of thumb is that *any* speech act can carry *any* emotion under the right circumstances and context.

But in general? Yeah, it just sounds like basic politeness and would... require extraordinary circumstances to read as "manipulative" just for a thank you.

It's been such a comforting feeling, in the otherwise nightmarish environs of social media, to know that any given furry "novelty" account has a non-zero chance of being someone I knew and liked Way Back When.

This is emphatically NOT a request for anyone to out themselves. I like it much better this way, same way I miss all the anonymity of Taps. Don't break the illusion. This is WONDERFUL. <3

@PennyPennyPenny Go forth and conquer gender on our behalf! It's comforting to know that any changes you make will be mirrored 2↑↑↑↑↑x (where x = "meow") times throughout the multiverse. 💜​

You know what I'd be 100% in the perfect mood for this week?

A giallo* TTRPG. Something really garish and bloody and decadent that doesn't take itself too seriously. Something that gives my Inner Nutcase an excuse to get stabby and melodramatic in a harmless padded environment.

Ooh. Even better, base it in the Over The Edge RPG. Al Amarja is already canonically set just south of Sicily. It's probably the closest thing to a giallo RPG ever made.

Shit. If I had any faith I'd have the energy for this in the coming months, I'd be tempted to RUN something like this. I know there aren't a lot of horror fans here... and I'd need months to give myself a good enough refresher on giallo to write a good adventure, but...

Would anyone actually join me for this madness, maybe even help co-GM? I know I sure have a lot of Stabby saved up from the last four years, and I would love to offer some valid targets for it.

(I promise you a LOATHESOME antagonist. I already have ideas.)

*a genre of vivid, stylish Italian shock-thrillers from the 70s

@LexYeen Sadly we JUST got done recycling our impressively large collection of Miniature Cat Hotels this weekend.

Haha, you're so right though. The kitten room was SO FULL of shredded little cardboard strips when we mucked it out. XD

Bizarrely, the two biggest non-Peggy, non-you-folks things that had the most immediate and obvious positive impact on my depression today:

(1) Finding out our neighbor across the street is also really fond of our cats. OK, that one's not really that surprising. ^__^

(2) Watching a video of cuneiform being written on a clay tablet with a stylus, and finally realizing, "Oh! Those letterforms actually make a LOT of sense if these are your writing tools!"

My brain keeps screaming out an anxiety alert, but no matter how hard I look for a real issue, all that seems to be there is "I'm desperately hungry for something that I don't strictly require to stay alive, no I can't tell you what, and yes I'm going to keep screaming until I get it."

Christ.

I really do have an Inner Cat.

@spacewastrel@yiff.life Nah, honestly, a lot of this is expected bad brain weather due to medical-related stuff that is a known issue I just am not ready to talk about. (I'm intact and should remain so, promise! :) )

The suicidal ideations bubbling up are concerned but not at all surprising, and I know them well enough to know their chance of escaping into action are 0%. I just have too many Nice Things in my life right now to listen.

But venting it all out here in the meantime is EXTREMELY therapeutic as a way of organizing all this in front of friendly witnesses. Hope I'm not worrying y'all too much. Really, you're all doing exactly what I need, already, just by listening. <3