Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

This is one of those days where taking Buddhist classes in college comes in real, real fucking handy. I'm sitting here just picking parts off of today's anxiety attack, Ship of Theseus style, in the hopes of proving once and for all that the causes behind it are completely Empty of any reality outside my own mental constructs.

I... I think I should be petting a cat for this, though. That wasn't in the original instructions. It's just a self-evidently good idea. Gotta go straight to the experts.

@duske And yet you reminded me that my own tormented nervous system LOVES too much spicy food. Thank you, you may have found me a relatively fast way out of today's bad brain weather. <3

ME: "Thanks, everybody! I'm nearly recovere--"

TWITTER: "Oh, we forgot, today is going to be full of before and after pictures of happy people who transitioned over the last four years! You're comfortable with that, right?"

ME: *aims fork at own eyeball, taking great comfort in the fact the brain, and thus the source of all my problems, awaits just behind it*

ME: "Sure. Sure, why the fuck not."

It's really difficult to convince yourself "the only thing that is actually broken is the alarm system itself" when it's wailing and flashing imminent doom at you, and it's always been the only system you have for detecting such, utterly misconfigured or not.

going back to bed until i can actually like things, anything at all, again

it's not that bad, should only take an hour or two

and yeah, there are major neurochemical factors going on that explain ALL of this, i just don't feel like talking about them rt now

i'll be fine, just need a venty/weepy box <3 might need it more often than usual in the coming weeks, though, so your patience is humbly requested <3

@Leucrotta This just sounds so fucking broken to me. We have a lot of similar issues with vague guidelines and stuff... but our management is EXTREMELY responsive to issues, even if it's just friendly commiseration and "yeah, we are getting around to fixing that, it's not you, we promise." The damage sounds less and less like it's starting on your end.

yeah

@Leucrotta And managerial culture is so ACTIVELY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY dumb at ignoring those distinctions, and using its own power to just bulldoze through any of the problems that ignorance causes -- and blaming anybody but itself -- instead of FUCKING FIXING them.

@anthracite It's... it's so much better in here. *sweatdrops* I love you so much and love your company but i had not realized until this morning just how much having to work in the immediate promixity of ANY other living being larger than a mosquito messes up my focus and sanity...

I LOATHE Discord but I'm getting real desperate. Does anyone know ANY good RP channels there that they could recommend, ideally strict IC-only.

If not, um, could somebody maybe start one? O:) I have the exact opposite of the energies needed to play Mike Callahan* these days. I have something more like MIKE** from Twin Peaks energy. >_<

*https://callahans.fandom.com/wiki/Callahan%27s_Place

**https://twinpeaks.fandom.com/wiki/Mike -- and i'm half-ready to (metaphorically) cut off my arm, for any Lynch fans who know what i'm talking about here -- though, heh, the kittens were bad enough, last i need is a tiny denizen of the Black Lodge running around the apartment raving backwards at me >_<

It would be so fucking therapeutic right now to go somewhere that I don't have to be "me" nor pretend to have any interest in being "me."

And as mixed of an experience as Tapestries -- hell, as Puzzlebox and 12Fold -- were, I never seriously thought that option would just be *gone* from my life like this.

Back in gear. FINALLY got to sit down and work uninterrupted and now that I've poked at some checkpoints (and corrected some really "interesting" mistakes) I feel fairly intelligent and grown-up again, a comfort that was sorely lacking an hour ago. :)

@kistaro haha, yes, that does help considerably <3

The worst part is that when I get like this, my brain loses all ability to tell one potential source of worry from another and they all blend together.

Right now my world is a formless dragon-cat-job-awoo-hospital-thing who is simultaneously exasperated because we kept getting in each other's personal space while trying to concentrate, auditing my timesheets from the last quarter for discrepancies, upset with me for poking at a delicate subject, dunning me for $120 my insurance should have covered, and yowling at the window for food.

I can't even go back to bed and try to reset. No time.

Yup. I called it. Total weeping breakdown at Peg over a bunch of ambiguous social signals and other trivial things.

We're OK now. We have some relationship heuristics that need a little repair work, like how to share space in an increasingly unusable apartment. She did an amazing job of reassuring me after I blew up though.

This is just more stress from more different directions than I can handle right now.

@spacewastrel@yiff.life "..." *shrug*

@spacewastrel@yiff.life You're lucky I don't have time for a sporting argument this morning. :)

For now, I'll just try to make a concession and admit I really like Legion and Doom Patrol, and Wandavision still has some potential.

But we're bookmarking this one, old friend.

So I broke down and accepted PredictIt's $46 matched despoit offer for Biden's inauguration.

And then I looked into PredictIt's trustworthiness. I should have done it first, but what the hell, it's just $46.

And I have to say, while they're listed with an F from the Better Business Bureau, I'm relieved by the very high percentage of people who are butthurt Trump cultists who are angry because PredictIt called the election for Biden "prematurely" over "fake news".

Shit, I'll bet the right person can make a mint off of Trumpist delusions right now. I'm not that person because that sure sounds like work, but I'm still willing to dip my toes in this mess.

@dodec I mean, I'd play an NITW platformer...

@Leucrotta Back in the day I think I fulfilled that expectation for a lot of people.

I was probably a lot nicer then, and a lot more delusional about my likely success at ever transitioning. n.n;