Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

I just realized my real name anagrams to "Zen in a brick," and I am disproportionately happy about this. That's a pretty good summary of my social goals.

@hystericempress https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDmjnOOV0BY

@anthracite Ain't your fault, no partner can fulfill EVERY emotional need, and you are extremely good at being a weird magic lizard friend. <3

@Verdigris I have succeeded before! But I've also failed MISERABLY and gotten a guy who diagnosed me with MPD after one session bbbbbasically because I was a queer roleplayer and trusted him way more with my imaginative life than I should have.

We'll see! My two therapists who were good were absolutely *lovely* people. I don't think that they pulled off any long-term fixes, but they were certainly a relief to chat with.

And thank you. <3

@Soreth Well, the good news is that 2 out of 4 of my therapists have been pretty helpful, understanding people.

The bad news is that one of those four snap-diagnosed me with "pathological narcissism" based on ONE session and the fact I did a lot of roleplaying and said I worried what other people thought of me.

I'm a lot of shitty things, but I think the record shows I'm quite capable of doing things a narcissist isn't-- like say "I'm sorry, you were right," accept flaws in myself, and fretting myself absolutely crazy about my friends' well-being.

But that bastard still made me question whether I was nothing but a manipulative piece of shit for, like, six months.

And one of the two *good* therapists was also Keet's therapist and Orrery was paying for her. And I stopped seeing her because Kristy was paying for it and... it was a big traumatic and humiliating THING.

So yeah. I've got some fears to get over. But I think I'm ready. After Orrery, gods bless 'em, I needed a year or two with NOBODY WITH THEIR FINGERS STUCK IN MY HEAD, but I think I can trust someone to start digging around in there with tools again. Maybe. Gotta be done, 'cause my brain is clearly not letting go of this until I've had SOME kind of moral trial and closure...

Anyhow. Thanks for giving me the excuse to talk this stuff out, sis. <3 <3 <3

@mawr I accidentally left this video looping in the background without realizing it and it was DRIVING ME BATSHIT, and it felt absolutely WONDERFUL to figure it out and pause it, so thank you for that positive experience. *giggle* :D <3

@frameacloud This is actually a huge relief because I still had a not-really-informed half-notion in my head that, say, Peg was gonna have a short lifespan... purely because of something a trans friend blurted about HRT wrecking people's livers. I never followed up on it or really questioned it, just assumed it was one of the "deal with it when we come to it" sort of things...

I've gotten to the point where I don't really recognize my work personality from my real personality or my online personality.

And I've also gotten to the point where I very distinctly like the work me better than any other me. For the first time in my life, I'm less afraid of breaking a major social norm or embarrassing myself at work than I am... say... here. Or at a con.

And that scares the fuck out of me.

It's quite clear by now that I've never really healed from the guilt and damage left over from Transliminal Station exploding. The pariah feels are still horrible, and still consistently keeping me from reaching out.

I've been using the lockdown as an excuse to put off therapy, but it's probably the only thing left to do.

Meh. Not looking forward to opening The Pain Vaults to a stranger.

The most fundamental and defining (if not necessarily unique) human emotion is the capacity for grievance over purely symbolic affronts.

@Phorm @anthracite We have a saying where I come from: "Don't be right, Sparky." <3

@Phorm @anthracite

@Phorm IT'S A LION!

@Phorm Oh, look at how cool those papes look!

"When you're young, it seems like there's people everywhere-- even when you don't want there to be. But then you get older and it's like... where did everybody go?"

--David (Nathan Fielder), "David: The Story of David" (findable on Vimeo)

Feelin' this one hard today.

@chimerror Those follows are always a right laugh. :D

@anthracite "Underfoot." *mrap* ​ *mrap* ​ *mrap* ​ *mrap* ​ *mrap* ​ *mrap* ​ *mrap* ​ *mrap* ​

Just a moment of appreciation.

While chatting with Peg, I reflected on how there is so much I would just come right out and TALK about here on Masto that I never would on Twitte.

Twitter feels like Outside with everybody watching. Twitter feels like a crowded TGIFridays in your hometown, where you always might be twenty feet away from some motherfucker who knows you JUST well enough to feel entitled to come in and tell you off, if you say something they don't like.

Masto doesn't feel like my home, and it doesn't feel like a party, and there are entire rooms it's better if I just never open the doors to. But it at least feels like it's Indoors, and anybody I gotta deal with will probably at least have some context and sympathy.

It's interesting. I mean: I'm notoriously contentious, and probably obnoxious, as fuck. I am not known for holding back online. But I don't fight here. Like, ever. It's a place where a rhetorical brawl is unlikely to break out, and there's plenty of incentive to call it off immediately if it starts.

This, to my shame, is part of the reason I went back to Twitter. Sometimes I do want to walk straight into a Wretched Hive and pick a good old honest bar fight. But it feels really good to have a place where I don't feel like I have to watch my back, put up a front, or most importantly, listen to ideologies that make me want to smack people.

@anthracite Yes but Shadow does not have THE POWER OF DETERMINATION nor the POWER OF TORTIES BEING NOTORIOUSLY DEMANDING PAINS IN THE BUTT XD

@anthracite I also strongly suggest you put one of these up in the vicinity/block every time you see a rainbow flag in town...