Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

All right, I'm going to back to listening to blaxploitation funk and trying to not have feelings again until this all blows over.

Again, I worry that I'm headed towards a selfish and hurtful place here, so I'm going to try to wrap it up with something positive:

Okay, fucking listen.

You would NOT BELIEVE how tiny some of your gestures that have brought me back from the brink have been. Sometimes, this summer, it was literally a Masto fave or "hey, hon" that kept me away a safe distance from the knife rack.

Thank you, those who were there in those small ways.

But if we're gonna talk about this, let's talk about it. Depression and suicidal risk are intensely alienating and isolating, and feeling like you've been tossed in the "Trouble Box" is one of the worst parts.

Let's not pretend we don't do this to people. Let's not pretend I haven't done this to people. Let's not pretend it's not normal and understandable. Let's not pretend it doesn't still make a state of despair and worthlessness a lot worse.

Again, I'm not in any danger. My mom and my partner root me pretty firmly in this reality, because I have obligations dammit, and I dare not spread the contagion of despair any further than my own vaults.

But yeah. I still feel pretty broken after my own suicide threat this summer, and I still ideate. A lot. (And if your solution is "see a therapist," so help me, I will end you. That is a complex prospect right now, and a glib solution.)

Stuck in that limbo space between "they just got done saying to take care of yourself and reach out, go ahead and ask for help if you're in a bad place tonight," and "you're incredibly toxic and horrible for thinking about anybody but the bereaved."

I don't know what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not, but here goes: for people who have been in that danger zone, it can be hard not to look at this and go "wow, all I have to do to be forgiven is die?"

I have some really dark and complicated feelings about suicide and loss, and recent events have hit them a bit hard.

I'm at very low risk for harming myself right now, but... there are some things about all this that are leading to some really difficult cognitive dissonance for me, stuff I don't think it would be respectful or productive to talk about out loud.

You have my utmost sympathies and offers of support, but I'm mostly going to try to put the subject out of my mind.

I want to start an urban legend that the ghost of Charles Sumner still roams the Senate floor, just waiting for a southern Republican to open his fat ugly racist mouth and get a colossal revenge-caning from beyond.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caning_of_Charles_Sumner

I can't believe I'm STILL debating The Cry of Mann with the Reddit community. (If you don't mind spoilers, see https://www.reddit.com/r/TroolTime/ for a glimpse at some of the weird debate this show has inspired.)

Honestly, it's given me hope. I'm even excited about Parallax again. I built up so much bitterness about how fandoms react to things they "love."

The success of TCoM reassures me that there are still people who not only will appreciate being fucked with... but might pay money for it. XD

I am very, very surprised how much time I've spent discussing an Adult Swim livestream, and how genuinely philosophically fulfilling it's been.

I really need to write at length about The Cry of Mann sometime. Partly because there's a lot there worth telling people about. Partly because a good summary will spare you the monumental annoyance and confusion of actually watching it.

SPOILER: The color orange symbolizes the friends we made along the way. On the ghost telephones. @_@;

#moodsnapshot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R15LkyO8gq8

Why do I keep putting salt in my eyes? :) #badhabits

basically what i want is everything in Dream Corp LLC done to me except consensually and competently

it's not required that it still be by the guy who played Lazlo Hollyfeld in Real Genius, but you know, i'd be fine with it

I'm starting to get them pretty hard again. I'm honestly not sure if it's a sign of stress and fracture, or a sign of recovery.

I think it's both, a sign of a good strong healthy immune reaction as frightened bits of my subconscious stop hiding underneath the couch one by one. :)

I've been wanting to talk more about my history as a "highly fantasy-prone person," for want for better jargon. And my "mystical rationalist" streak and how it changes my perspective on kinstuff. Someday.

...is pretty good!

Gotta tie up my whole work week today, but it's fine, it's all hindbrain stuff at this point. Gonna catch up on Nick Nocturne videos in the background while I finish up.

My uncle has been cremated. Mom has asked for a little satchel to scatter next to Grandma and Grandpa.

Mom is holding up under the circumstances, which was my main concern -- I forget, sometimes, that woman has CON 18, WILL 18.

Anyone who thinks Facts Are Just Facts and we can ever know final, objective truth should be condemned to spend 12 months moderating an REM lyrics discussion fansite. >_>;;

This person gets it. https://awoo.space/media/ttCWixkE6IpHvPWOsdU

#halloween

Oops, no, I'm not, because an even darker and more surreal power has taken over: cable providers. No cable, no livestream. >__<

Oh, well, guess I'm dressing up as a pirate for Halloween again!

And gods help me, I'm about to watch some more of it. It's on part six, and all I know is that... orange things? Are bad? Or liberating? And maybe blue. Or grey. And George Washington. Lemon muffins, cheese cubes, and possibly Gurdjieff. Also, orange. O__o;

Also, Jack has some nice fucking boots.

The Cry of Mann is the most interesting media experiment I've seen in several years and I absolutely don't recommend you watch it.

Boy, there sure is a lot of it.

I'll talk more about it once I figure out what it is. Probably 3-4 weeks after it's over.

(Best I can do: media tricksters Wham City got a six-part livestream on Adult Swim. It's a Lynchian soap opera. It's improvised. It's a call-in show. It's willfull awkward, like Catherine: A Story in 12 Parts. And it's ALMOST working. O_o; )