Empress of Mars: Undisputed @zebratron2084@awoo.space

My inner demons have been safely cudgeled, stuffed in a sack, and sat upon.

Thank you all for your help and reassurance. I realize I've been a colossal pain in the ass, but I also know this is a vicious circle and I am GONNA break it for you, and return in my full powers someday. <3

(and of course, what this really means is that I'm starting to process some of the bad shit, me and my weird english friend -- as long as I'm not listening to "Lady Godiva's Operation" with my head flat on my desktop and a pizza cutter between my legs, you probably don't have to worry too much -- i have survived far worse than ok computer and a little self-loathing :) )

Aw, geeze.

Speaking of Nuclear Throne... Peg just gave me a little gift. A tiny Robot friend. I cried a little. And I feel a little better.

We're gonna see if we can get a little shovel friend for it. ^___^

Angst level is down to... Add N to X, I guess. *beepboops amusedly*

ZEBRA ANGST ADVISORY SYSTEM:

Stereolab
Love Tractor
The Feelies
Talking Heads
The Buggles
Galaxie 500
Dinosaur Jr.
Modest Mouse
Radiohead <<< CURRENT STATUS
Leonard Cohen

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

this bout of weepage has been brought to you by Charles Earland Industries: bringing you the best in pensive, mellifluous jazz funk since... since... since before he came to a horrible impoverished end in some shanty, probably.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h63iuGai9yk

oh wait, they made that one, binding of isaac, but it reminds me of the people i fucked everything up with

well, at least i'd start with a big power up -- zebra tears start pretty huge

maybe i'll play gungeon instead

i hear that if you can hit the high dragun in the heart with a charmed bow just enough times, it'll scoop you up in its arms and let you cry while nestled against its main rocket magazines, and ask you "why can't you just open up and say you need company and reassurance, instead of couching everything in weak forced humor, surely somebody out there still loves you"

or maybe i'll find a game where tears kill everything

shit, apparently you don't get emotional catharsis until loop 3

you need the frog pistol to unlock "convince your friends that their increasing willingness to dehumanize enemies is scaring the shit out of you"

the "confident enough to walk into Transliminal without feeling like a pariah" skin for Chicken is an urban legend

and you have to beat the throne unarmed in order to get your ex-boyfriend to give you closure from the wounds he caused you when he said you were always a bad match

haha, no, seriously, I'm just gonna play nuclear throne and cry all evening

at least in the wasteland there's a sense that there's something that survived the explosion

To you unenlightened people, it may seem like I have fallen into procrastination in order to nurse my pent-up frustration and self-hatred.

But to an enlightened traveler of the wastelands like me, this is a spiritual journey.

I'm pretty sure I read on the Nuclear Throne wiki that after Loop 3, you get your libido back, the president dies, you get a password to a social medium where you always feel welcomed and heard, and your estranged sisters love you again.

See you there, fellow mutant.

"What's that, nap?"

"You say you're just like death, except I get to come back, and in the meantime I get to process all the ways in which I hate myself out of my subconscious?"

"That's a great idea. Where were you before? Let's do that. A lot. Like, for 16-24 hours."

All right, I'm going to back to listening to blaxploitation funk and trying to not have feelings again until this all blows over.

Again, I worry that I'm headed towards a selfish and hurtful place here, so I'm going to try to wrap it up with something positive:

Okay, fucking listen.

You would NOT BELIEVE how tiny some of your gestures that have brought me back from the brink have been. Sometimes, this summer, it was literally a Masto fave or "hey, hon" that kept me away a safe distance from the knife rack.

Thank you, those who were there in those small ways.

But if we're gonna talk about this, let's talk about it. Depression and suicidal risk are intensely alienating and isolating, and feeling like you've been tossed in the "Trouble Box" is one of the worst parts.

Let's not pretend we don't do this to people. Let's not pretend I haven't done this to people. Let's not pretend it's not normal and understandable. Let's not pretend it doesn't still make a state of despair and worthlessness a lot worse.

Again, I'm not in any danger. My mom and my partner root me pretty firmly in this reality, because I have obligations dammit, and I dare not spread the contagion of despair any further than my own vaults.

But yeah. I still feel pretty broken after my own suicide threat this summer, and I still ideate. A lot. (And if your solution is "see a therapist," so help me, I will end you. That is a complex prospect right now, and a glib solution.)

Stuck in that limbo space between "they just got done saying to take care of yourself and reach out, go ahead and ask for help if you're in a bad place tonight," and "you're incredibly toxic and horrible for thinking about anybody but the bereaved."

I don't know what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not, but here goes: for people who have been in that danger zone, it can be hard not to look at this and go "wow, all I have to do to be forgiven is die?"

I have some really dark and complicated feelings about suicide and loss, and recent events have hit them a bit hard.

I'm at very low risk for harming myself right now, but... there are some things about all this that are leading to some really difficult cognitive dissonance for me, stuff I don't think it would be respectful or productive to talk about out loud.

You have my utmost sympathies and offers of support, but I'm mostly going to try to put the subject out of my mind.

I want to start an urban legend that the ghost of Charles Sumner still roams the Senate floor, just waiting for a southern Republican to open his fat ugly racist mouth and get a colossal revenge-caning from beyond.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caning_of_Charles_Sumner