Rain Dog @Leucrotta@awoo.space

So like in the future, they can put you in any body you want as long as it’s really boring.

Watching this drek on Altered Carbon, chummer. Nuyen BTL chips Redmond Barrens Stuffer Shack, chummer.

My mood has really been plunging today although I’m really trying to keep going. Could I please ask for reassurance that my perspective is currently real broken and I have a chance at a more fulfilling life?

And this is a thing cause at some point all the little stuff- I’m an NPC in the “important” stories, my government sees me as disposable yet worth taxing, I’m trapped in the Bay Area, I’m an H-list artist in furry fandom, I can’t afford martial arts or weightlifting that would help me chill out, etc, none of it’s HUGE- adds up and I go straight from this is stressful to wanting to put a knife in myself.

The less little stuff I have in my life the better.

I'm reminded that I live here because it's familiar and I can't afford to move.

I don't hate it and bailing out of here isn't an emergency situation but it's definitely one of those things, like being trapped in the Bay Area, that grinds through emotional resources.

remembering how as a kid there were these reconstructions of a hypothetical Troodon descendant - which looked a lot like a Gray Alien.

But of course there ARE intelligent, social, tool-using manaraptoran descendants, and they don't look like that, because they're crows and ravens.

found http://kycaka-san.tumblr.com/

and they're an awesome artist, but an odd detail is I parse the name as "Koosaka."

I've been in this headspace where it's really easy to feel overwhelmed, doomed and angry. I'm getting better at noticing it's perception rather than unchanging truth of the world or whatever, but it's still hard going and honestly I wish I had the resources to take a legit vacation.

I love how if someone's a repressive asshole these days they're on about their freeeedoms.

Like it's vital to have the freedom of religion, which is about harshing Queers and prohibiting abortions, not about hey maybe someone wants to face Mecca to pray or make hajj someday. Or it's vital to be able to vent your opinion, as long as that opinion's about murdering my relatives.

so this is what I was working on for freakin' four hours straight this evening, trying to work a little more like Murayama Ryota. I do think it's progress!

oh, and CW for some kinda gross fantasy violence.

https://awoo.space/media/pqWcUe0xPRxGxBv5JJU

okay so I'm doing some experimental painting at Starbucks and they're playing a batch of Motown, R&B etc I assume 'cause it's Black History Month...

AND IT'S SO WHOLESOME. I'm listening to "If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)" right freakin' NOW!

AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

The great diner mistake;

It’s always way more cost efficient to just buy a whole pie (and it’s not like I won’t eat it). Somehow I keep forgetting that.

Although yeah. It took way more time than usual but this place reminds me the world’s bigger than I usually see.

Let’s walk on the beach here and try to remember there’s some redeeming features to this shithole.

When I first came to the Bay Area it was fucking magical, but this place is in the dictionary next to the word “banal.” I’m tired of being a walk on extra in someone else’s fap fantasy. It looks increasingly likely I’ll leave via a knife and a sink full of hot water but I’d way rather move to Portland.

Some really specific words make me all squirmy. And some of them aren't very predictable at all.

If you rate kink on a 1-10 scale, where 1 is het missionary sex position in a bedroom in the dark and 8 gets you stuff that can only be done online; wanting specific weird words is like what, 3-4?

I still feel really shy about it, I think because it's an overlap of various uncomfy anti-intellectual, masculinity and sexual expectations.

Because there are a lot of artists who do more cartoony stuff, analog media or line heavy work. Peter de Seve, JAW Cooper, Richard Whitters, Claire Wendling, heck even Terryl Whitlatch or Iain McCaig himself. They're definitely wanted, they're definitely people I admire, and some even get into Spectrum regularly.

I currently work near enough an independent bookstore that I can walk there in time for them to close normally. Yesterday I got out early, so I was able to scope out Spectrum 24.

Normally Spectrum makes me feel really hopeless. Intersects with my major baggage about how there are valued people and no matter what I do, it'll be decided I'm not one of them. And yeah, I got that, but I feel weirdly encouraged now.

and now the part of the evening where wanting to make fun of Wagner somehow leads to reading the ENTIRE VOLUSPA, which is just awesome.