green except too damn hot @green@awoo.space

@KawaSeadrake gnargh, that tempts me a lot to push to get on testosterone--but I'm afraid of having to jump through the "I don't want to be *male*, I want to be *ambiguous/neither*" therapy hoops to get it. *sigh*

anyway I wanted to vent about that this morning. vent over. :P

I've had other exes who have been bad for me for various reasons--most spectacularly the one I refer to as Assmonkey, without a speck of affection, but Assmonkey was a mean-spirited coward. these other two, the ones I've conflated in my mind, were actively evil. they enjoyed manipulating people, they loved being able to cause pain, they had no loyalty to anything but their own amusement and ego.

they set a standard of cruelty, and demand that anyone who wants to be their Special Friend display the same level. cutting down other Special Friends is fine; when it's just you and Special Friend, they'll actively participate in this, but in public they stand apart, either (overtly) ignoring the interactions or (subtly) lending support to one side or another, on their whim.

"you're better than everybody else because [characteristic]," they tell these people. multiple people at once, too; that's important, because the point of this isn't to cultivate a few special friends; it's to force people to compete with each other for attention and affection. IT IS A GAME FOR THEM. it's a blood sport for their amusement.

the two exes have blurred into each other to the point where they were both represented in one person in my dream last night. they were superficially physically similar, but more important, they both played the "be my friend" game.

to play that game, a person needs to be very charming, to set the bait. the more people *want* to be friends with them, the greater their power. then they pick the most interesting/useful people in their sphere of power and groom them.

I remember several things I dreamed about this morning--cutting my own hair, finding kittens and puppies, a knife in the Harry Potter universe that makes unhealable wounds because it "cuts the soul" (cool idea!)--but the one I want to talk about here a little bit is about two exes of mine, and why they were so incredibly damaging.

okay sleep now. gnight awoos.

I will also be thinking "thank jezus crisps I did not have kids" and I'm thinking that right now in fact

in a week I'll be thinking "JEZUS CRISPS THOSE FLEDGLING CROWS WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP SO MUCH ANGRY KAZOO" but for now it's still cute. XD

I think I'm going to have to start shelling the peanuts for the crows--save the parents as much work as possible; the fledglings are starting to try to steal the peanuts in the shell and swallow them whole because IT'S FOOD DAMMIT, GIVE IT TO ME WHY AREN'T YOU GIVING IT TO ME NOW *very loud angry kazoo noises*

kakapo fursona I meant. also shut up

... I think I want to make a kakapo furry. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kakapo

chubby, flightless, nocturnal, and green. also vegetarian, but enh--I'll be that rare kakapo that decides to supplement my diet with the occasional unwary mouse. :D or bacon sandwich...

ALSO I DID NOT KNOW kakapos live on average 95 YEARS. daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

@zebratron2084 eyyyy I sent you a DM over on That Other Place (because I can't figure out how to do DMs here lolol)

the trees are full of angry kazoo sounds, and frantic crow parents trying to shove food down their gullets. XD

*looks outside at cloudless sky*
*sighs heavily*
*decides to go outside anyway*
at least there's a nice breeze... maybe that'll make up for the TERRIBLE UNRELENTING SUMMER. :|

https://medium.com/@adampowers/the-only-poly-people-youll-ever-date-973649847b4e

Vaguely Gothic Geeky Feminist, most definitely, though more proto-punk than goth. I used to know a bunch of the Poly Blogsphere Celebrities back when they were Poly Usenet Celebrities...

there's fledglings of all kinds pecking around in the sunny grass of the lawn outside today. I can't figure out what most of them are, but I think there's a couple of spotted towhee kids (based on who's keeping a watchful eye on them) and one completely unidentified ball of grey feathers.